Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Superwoman Doesn’t Live Here

I think that anyone who’s ever read more than a dozen of my blog posts probably has a pretty good sense that I’m not an unhappy single.  I like my life.  At least most of the time.

I like dating and like my alone time and have written often about the fact that I have no real desire to get married and have kids.

Further, I’m 100% certain that if things had worked out differently with any of my exes and we’d stayed together, those marriages would have ended in divorce. I am SO better off without any of those men.  No doubt in my mind.

But that doesn’t mean that my life is perfect.  IMO, no one’s is.  And anyone who tells you otherwise is either lying or incredibly shallow.

I’m one of those people who thinks a lot. Too much.  And sometimes I rethink my past.  Sometimes I’ll rethink the same coversation over and over, trying to figure out how things could be different, or better.  I guess, there’s an element of regret in there.  But not so much.  More it’s about how I might do things differently in the future.

Anyway, as some of you know, I write for a few different places.  And over the weekend I wrote a post for one of those other sites: SIngle Women Rule.  It’s a site I like a lot.  It’s very go single grrls go, rah, rah, rah. I wasn’t sure if it was appropriate for them, and if they didn’t want it I figured I’d use it here.  It was one of my more reflective posts, where I basically admit that even I, ‘Ms. I don’t want to get married and have kids and am perfectly fine on my own’ sometimes think about what life might be like if I had a husband.  How some things would be easier.  Because I do believe that there have been times that it might have been easier if I had a husband (assuming we had a good, strong, functional ).  Like when I was laid off.  Or when my mom died.  And recently I’ve had some work/businesses stuff go south and YES it would have been nice to have someone there who loved me unconditionally.  To hold me up when I was falling down.

Whatever, my post was not received in the way it was intended.

It happens.  I’m not mad.  OK, maybe a little irritated.

Here’s my thing.  I’m of the belief that all humans are frail.  That we all have moments of weakness.  And that when we refuse to publicly admit our weaknesses that it gives the wrong impression.

And so I am a little irritated that as a strong, independant woman I received such a negative reaction when I said, out loud, sometimes I think about how nice it would be to have someone to share my burden.

I have about as much patience for macho women as I do for macho men.  Actually, less.


Tags: ,

10 to “Superwoman Doesn’t Live Here”


  1. Singlegal says:

    Gawd, who would get on your case for that? I am enjoying my single life and all that it entails, but I *loved* being married. LOVED IT. I loved that we were a team. I loved that the duties were split between two. I loved the financial security that came out of it, and I loved that there was someone to come home to at night. Yes, I obviously chose the wrong player, but you will never, ever catch me saying that I wouldn’t want someone to share my burden with! People can call me weak, or co-dependent, or whatever sounds good in their head – but I’m not denying myself, or anyone else.
    Good for you for standing up, too!

  2. iamalejandra says:

    I can’t get over the title of the book Keysha’s reading … “Solemale”, get it?? SOLEmate!! So clever!! And funny!! I’m running to the store to get it!! (Ok, maybe I’m not running, and maybe I didn’t find it funny, or clever.)

  3. Erin Korogodsky says:

    That is annoying.

    As a single woman, I feel like I’m constantly having to walk the line of being happy and independent but not too independent where as I give the impression that I don’t need anyone. And if I need or want someone, I have to be careful not to put too much pressure on, where I might be considered needy. Like hoping to get married some day means that I don’t even care who it is – the wedding is planned, the baby names are picked out and I only need the man to fit into the tux.

    More annoying traps: If I only want sex, then I’m just a slut. If I’ hold out for a few dates, then I’m a prude. If I work out, then I’m a gym whore. If I don’t work out, then I’m lazy. If I like to go out to dinner, I’m a gold digger. If I don’t like to go out to dinner, then I’m boring.

    The truth is that I want to be with someone because we can make each other’s lives better then the are today. That’s a tall order, because my life is pretty good and I wouldn’t give it up just to be able to say “I’m Married.” I would change my life to add in a partner, to care for each other, to build a life together that where we’re both invested and care about making each other happy (happier).

    HEY PEOPLE – enough with the labels and adjectives already! NO ONE is happy all the time. NO ONE. And believe me, I have some friends and family that are married and would switch places with me in a SECOND.

    I love that you wrote about this!!

  4. OpinionatedGift says:

    I hate dogma. Hate it…dogmatically. It’s always structured out of fear and it sounds like you ran smack dab right into it. You rock, they suck.

    OG

  5. Quirkyeconomist says:

    When I saw the post on SWR, I totally wondered what you would think of the bizarre response that was added! (I’m the Jenn that commented on that post, btw). It’s beginning to really bother me that a lot of people in the ‘happily single’ community seem to be so black-and-white about things – anyone who says anything that suggests being coupled might be a good thing suddenly must be buying into the ‘myths’ and/or isn’t REALLY happy being single. So lame! I thought both this post and the one on SWR were great!

  6. AbsBlabs says:

    Lord. It was a good, strong post. I understand what you mean, and yes – macho women are very annoying.

  7. Devon aka Dru says:

    Your post was brilliant, human and something that I know I can relate to at this point in my life. I think all of us single people have felt that way at least once if not more, and I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. I think it’s as natural as people in marriages entertaining the thought of what single life would be like again. Your blog posts I will always read, but Solemate is something I won’t be reading with Keysha any time soon.

  8. onedatewonder says:

    In my not so humble experience, people who feel the need to posture like that are often the most insecure among us. Those of us a tad but more comfortable in our skin are ok admitting that sometimes we wonder, sometimes we are lonely, sometimes we think “What if”. Honestly, it’s a human thing to do, and people who swear they never do are most likely stretching the truth. The difference between it being human an dangerous is what you do with those thoughts. You seem content to look at them, then file them away where they belong. It would only be a slippery slope if they remained out on your coffee table and you rifled through them every day.

  9. Simone Grant says:

    First, whew. I was a teensy bit afraid that I’d get more shit for this. I should know better. You guys rock.
    -Singlegal
    I think it’s so great that you can such a healthy perspective on it all. Thanks for chiming in with the voice of very relevant experience and wisdom.
    -iamalejandra
    OMG, I hadn’t even noticed that. Now I’m laughing.
    -Erin Korogodsky
    Wow. Thank you sweetie. You’re so right. We are asked to walk a very careful line. And sometimes I really feel like no matter what I do or say, there’s going to be someone there wagging there finger at me. Well, screw ‘em. We don’t need their judginess.
    -OpinionatedGift
    No, you rock.
    -Quirkyeconomist
    Thanks darling. I should’ve guessed that that smart response on SWR was from you. That black and white response you talk about – I don’t get it. It seems so traditional and closed minded and yet it’s coming from people who should be anything but.
    -AbsBlabs
    First, welcome to the blog. And thank you.
    -Devon aka Dru
    Thank you. And what a great comparison. We expect married people to think about what their life might be like if they were single. Seriously.
    -onedatewonder
    Such eloquence. Yes, the what ifs are human. And potentially very dangerous. I try to always remember that.

  10. Singletude: A Positive Blog for Singles says:

    While I get where SWR was coming from–that significant others aren’t always reliable–it was clear to me from your article that you were longing for the kind of significant other who IS reliable. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s true that “two heads are better than one” when there’s a problem to solve, and we can’t know the benefit of a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on if we’re alone in the room.

    Some singles can get that kind of unconditional support from other sources (eg., I get mine from family), but some really don’t have anyone who can drop everything and be there in a heartbeat or just be there consistently, day after day. For those people, the need for a relationship partner is probably even greater.

    Is it possible that a relationship will sour and a partner won’t be there for you in the way you hoped? Yes, of course. If people choose not to be in relationships to avoid that possibility, fine. But that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with wanting a relationship partner who WILL be there for you. Having adequate support in our lives is one of THE best indicators of health and happiness.

    I hate to use the term “just jealous” because it’s so overused and often inaccurately, but I really suspect that people who can’t stand it when others admit to wanting or needing support are people who have had to tough it out alone themselves and resent it when others get a helping hand. They learn to take pride in what they’ve achieved alone, and that’s good, but it’s NOT so good to shame anyone who hasn’t, can’t, or doesn’t want to work for those same things alone.