Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Loneliness

I write a lot about dating. The ups and the downs.  My constant bewilderment.  Some may call it cluelessness.

And I write a lot about what it means, to me, to be a woman in her late thirties.

What I don’t mention often is the loneliness that comes with both those things.  I guess because, honestly, I try not to think of it.  Sure, I’m sometimes.  Probably no more or less than any other person who lives alone.  But I try hard not to dwell on it.

I find that the habit of not thinking of loneliness (not thinking about something can become a habit) actually makes me feel lonely less often.  Or maybe I’m just fooling myself.  I honestly don’t know.

But I’ve read several posts from other bloggers recently who were pondering their own loneliness and it made me think I should ponder my own, publicly.

Here’s some food for thought, for all of us, the loneliest people I’ve even known were not singles.  They were in dysfunctional (sometimes marriages).  In fact, the loneliest I have ever been was when I was in a relationship.

Anyway, I don’t think there is anything wrong, per se, with being lonely.  It’s not the plague or anything.


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12 to “Loneliness”


  1. Singlegal says:

    My lonely time was in my marriage too. Makes me wonder what I miss sometimes. But you’re right – lonely happens, and there is nothing wrong with it.

  2. dazediva says:

    Lonely … what a funny looking word right ? or is it just me ? ironic that such a word correlates with being unhappy, sad, alone etc …

    But loneliness does come about every now and then … whether you’re in a relationship, single, married, or just swamped with work … even if you have a dozen friends at hand, sometimes just because they don’t ‘understand’ where you’re coming from – it can be lonely ….

    The good thing about lonely is that you get to sort through all that is going on around you and decide how you want to put the pieces together and create a new picture from it :)

  3. @icounsel4food says:

    Some of the loneliest people I’ve worked with in session have been in committed relationships… something tells me that being single has less to do with feeling lonely than we think it does. I don’t have the whole scoop, but I do know that it takes more than having someone “there” to stave away lonely feelings.

  4. bbbex says:

    I was more lonely when I was married. Sad, but true.

  5. Tales From A Bar Stool says:

    Sometimes it’s definitely hard to admit it when you are lonely. And it’s absolutely possible to be lonely when surrounded by people or when in a relationship.

    I go through my lonely spells but I too push that emotion to the back of my head. Get on the phone with a friend, go out for coffee… whatever it takes.

    Then at other times, I really embrace being lone… sometimes it’s nice to be alone.

  6. svo says:

    I always find I feel lonely when I’m unsure about where my life is going or what it’s about. But really that just means I wished I had somebody to act as a distraction from my bigger issues. The last thing people need to do who feel lonely is latch onto somebody else and rush into a co-dependent relationship.

    Great blog btw.

  7. AF says:

    You’re so right. Loneliness is of course nothing whatsoever with being alone – it’s a state of mind where a person feels “unconnected” with others and that is probably most frequently experienced for more than a short while by those who are in bad relationships. You don’t want to be with or cannot connect with the one you’re “with”, but feel impotent to change that, either by moving on or by fixing what you realise only too well is broken and possibly beyond repair.

  8. Simone Grant says:

    -Singlegal
    Funny how that works, that we can be less lonely when we are actually alone.
    -dazediva
    What a lovely way of putting it – deciding how you want to put the pieces together. It really is a decision.
    -aguy
    WOW – if you have general complaints about the blog I have 2 suggestions: 1) message me, 2) stop reading it. Your current comment has nothing to do with this post. I will address it, though. That post you were referring to was meant to be funny but also a way to let off a little steam. I was out with a group of friends who all got dressed up to go out and flirt with men and we were met with dozens of guys who look like they don’t own mirrors. And as this is my blog, I decided I wanted to bitch about that. And MANY of my readers decided to join in. Some of my male readers sent me messages with their personal complaints about women. I offered to link to any guy’s list – no one took me up on that.

    Anyway, if you find my content unappealing, just stop reading.

    -@icounsel4food
    Perhaps we need to start a campaign, educating people about the fact that 1 is not the loneliest number. I’m serious. There is something unhealthy about the way that some people assume that they’ll be less lonely with a partner.
    -bbbex
    It is sad. But I also think it’s true for millions of people. Just hidden.
    -Tales From A Bar Stool
    I embrace being alone. And I guess that’s why I’m not so stuck with this idea that alone – lonely. I’ve traveled, pretty extensively, on my own and have lived alone for a decade. I’m damn good company.
    -svo
    Welcome and thank you so much. What a great point – my loneliness also pops up when I’m dealing with uncertainty. Funny, huh?
    -AF
    Loneliness is a state of mind. Very much so. One of my least favorite states of might, at that.

  9. X caliber says:

    Two is the loneliest number when one really sucks.

  10. Singletude says:

    “Anyway, I don’t think there is anyone wrong, per se, with being lonely. It’s not the plague or anything.”

    That’s an interesting perspective and, I think, a really healthy one! So many of our struggles come from an unwillingness to accept that life isn’t perfect, that there will be “down” times, and those include loneliness.

    It’s amazing to me how many people imagine a relationship will permanently cure loneliness. The loneliness of singleness can often be alleviated by distraction or the hope of more companionship in the future, but when you’re in a relationship and lonely, you’re trapped in that loneliness and also have to deal with your failed expectations for unconditional understanding or companionship.

    Oh, and I don’t think you’re fooling yourself! When you’re not lonely, you’re not lonely. Period. I know denial exists, but we go to extremes when we think what we feel can’t be genuine just because it doesn’t fit with a cultural norm, in this case the norm that says we should always be lonely if we’re single.

  11. Black Iris says:

    This doesn’t come across as very believable to me. It sounds to me like you’re trying to convince yourself that loneliness has nothing to do with being single and isn’t a problem anyway. I think most people are more lonely when they’re single, especially if you live in a society like ours where not being married usually means living by yourself. That does NOT mean anyone should run out and get married. Being unhappy in a relationship can be worse than being lonely.