Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Dating Mind Meld

The other day I got an email from one of my favorite people, a really great guy friend (the one who’s an ex).  He was bummed.   The latest woman in his life turned out to be a total non-starter.  They’d had one date and plans for the second one and then everything fell to shit.

I felt bad that he felt bad, but honestly I was relieved.  For him.  I didn’t know this woman.  But everything he’d told me about her made me think she was bad news.   She seemed like one of those high maintenance girls who used the people in her life to get what she wanted.

But, of course, he could only see the good in her (she was a knock-out and lots of fun).

Now, if things went differently and that second date happened and a 3rd date and so on, I would’ve had to keep my opinions of her to myself.  That’s what people do.   And then, eventually, when they stopped seeing each other, I would’ve been able to say something along the lines of, “you were too good for her”.  And if she did horrible things and hurt him along the way, I would’ve had to sit by and watch. Because that’s what people do.  We don’t call our up and say, “about your girlfriend, she’s a bitch and you should stop seeing her”.

Which totally sucks, as far as I’m concerned.  I want my friends to tell me when I’m an asshole.  They won’t.  They’ll wait until the relationship with the asshole is over and then say, “I’m so glad that’s over”.

If only there were a way that friends could tap into each other’s thoughts about this stuff.  A kind of dating mind meld (for those of you who do not get the Star Trek reference, please click here).  Then I could find out what my friends really thought of the guys I dated (early on) and they could know what I really felt about the people they dated.

I think that would be cool.

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10 to “Dating Mind Meld”

  1. T Elle Harrison says:

    I don’t know…I’ve called my friends up and said those exact words before. I think that one of the great things about friendship is that you can tell each other anything. My best friend and I are completely uncensored with each other. Of course, both of us are often accused of being abrasive and sometimes a bit crass but I think that if I’m dating someone that my friends don’t like they should tell me. After all, they probably know me better than I know myself and can see me making a mistake long before I’m aware of it.

  2. Veka says:

    ^ I 100% agree with you.

    My best friend and I aren’t afraid to share our opinions of the guys each other is dating. We don’t wait until the problems have been ongoing; we say it straight up. Like, “That guy seems flaky.” Or “That guy seems like he’s playing you.” But no matter what you say to her or what she says to you, the person in the relationship will turn a blind eye because you want to see the best in the person you’re dating. Then, when the relationship ends, the best friend can say, “I told you so.” It sucks, but not many people break up with someone because of their friends’ opinions, even if they’re right. You just have to learn for yourself, the hard way.

  3. iamalejandra says:

    I am famous in my little world for telling people exactly what I think. However I usually don’t give out my opinion because people don’t really want to know the truth. Like Veka says, they’ll turn a blind eye and people think that despite what the outside world sees, they are the ones who REALLY know what’s going on (myself included).
    So, I just don’t waste my breath anymore. Besides my friends can tell when I like or don’t like a person without me saying anything about it.
    People usually come to me for advice or opinions when they have already exhausted all other resources, lol.

  4. CrystalHerb says:

    Mmmm.. I had one friend, well, more of an acquaintance really, tell me several months back precisely what a using, playing, two-timing, dishonest sleep-around my new boyfriend was. Well, although I must admit it surprised me, I think my intuition was ahead of her.. but I decided to ignore both. And now the truth is out, he wasn’t actually an honest, decent guy at all. But you do have to find out for yourself. Shame really that men (and women) couldn’t have some sort of “decency” stamp on their foreheads lol! I have a friend who has been in a terribly abusive relationship for a few years now and none of us can get through to her. You can tell her but she won’t listen….

  5. Dressaholic says:

    I’ve told friends in the past when I think a guy has been bad news. Usually, they ignore me, carry on, then when things get worse it becomes difficult for them to discuss it as I already have a low opinion of the guy so I’m biased! In fairness, I’ve done the same. It’s difficult to admit a friend is right sometimes!

  6. onedatewonder says:

    If a friend is dating a no good person, I will calmly and gently tell them once what I think of it. More than that, and the friendship can sometimes get damaged. If they choose not to pay attention, then as a friend all you can do is be there to love and support them. In my experience, real friendship is never saying “I told you so.” Even when you did. But I’ll always try that once in case it helps. And I know several of my friends have followed the same rule for me in the past.

    I like to think it helps speed up the wake up process for all of us. Sure, it doesn’t make us immediately run off and break up with a guy. But it if makes them (or me) come to grips with reality a bit sooner, then it’s still not in vain.

  7. jenmata says:

    I don’t know if I agree. I find my friends have very different taste in men than I do. So sometimes they don’t like the guys I date or I don’t like the guys they date, but it works for us, or at least for what we need to go through at that time. I think we meet the people we do in our lives for a reason, and who am I to tell you that person is not for you? So I rather have no meld in my friend pool, besides my friends tend to say what’s on their mind anyways.

  8. @icounsel4food says:

    a mind meld would sure as hell make my job easier.

    Anyway, many times it’s a good idea to maintain the National Geographic videographer approach (i.e. watch from afar & don’t interfere) but some discretion is needed when we decide to break this “rule”. Nobody likes to hear that their friend thinks their mate sucks but when our friend is in danger or clearly being self-destructive with the relationship, then hopefully we love our friend enough to be willing to risk alienating them in the name of helping them dodge a bullet.

    Unsolicited suggestion: If your friend gave you this impression of this woman because of the words that he chose then deep down inside he knew she was wrong. But if you got that feeling because it pushed some button in you or reminded you of someone in particular, a little introspection/exploration of this on your own might prove insightful.

  9. Simone Grant says:

    Hmm, I don’t know if this is an age thing or what. I certainly have open and supportive relationships with my closest friends, but I’d never tell them what I thought of the people they were dating. That seems to cross some kind of line. ESPECIALLY my guy friends (straight or gay). I’ll have to investigate this further.

    Ooh, welcome to the blog T Elle Harrison. I hope we’ll see more of you.

  10. Isabella says:

    Although you’d like to think that if a good friend is telling you that your boyfriend is a douche. You’d listen. 8 times out of 10 you don’t. Many of my friends have had boyfriends that haven’t sat well with me. I let them now, they take it in consideration…and throw it out the window! It sucks when the relationship end badly and they know my response, although left unsed, is “i told you so.”