Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

He’s Just Not That Into Me & I’m Kinda Bummed

So I had that on Tuesday night. The one that was really short.  He still hasn’t gotten in contact with me.  I haven’t gotten in contact with him, either.  And I have no intention of doing so.  I’m 100% positive that, in this case, it would be the wrong thing to do.

It took us ages to arrange this date.  We first met online months ago.  There was a brief flurry of emails and then he disappeared for a long while.  I don’t take stuff like that seriously, as per my Lesson #1 for surviving Online Dating.  And then he reemerged with an apology about being completely consumed with work.  And then there was a slow trickle of emails, a brief phone conversation, a failed attempt at another get together and then finally that date.  I very much got the sense that it was low on his priority list.  But I didn’t take it personally, if that makes sense.  He hadn’t met me yet, why should he prioritize me?

And then that date, yes.  He was more than 10 minutes late (a fact I didn’t mention because I tend to leave out the negatives when I like someone, as per my blog policy) and did not apologize for being so.  He picked the place.  And as I’ve already mentioned, he and I live 2 blocks apart.  We both walked there (I assume, I guess he could’ve been really lazy and taken a cab the 12 blocks).  So he couldn’t have been held up by a slow subway train, or something like that.  He just didn’t make the effort to be on time.

And then he had to leave early because he had someplace to be.

All of his actions scream, I have no time for you/you are so low on my priority list I can barely spare an hour for our date.

He made a rather big show of apologizing for having to go early and saying how much he enjoyed my company and that he wanted to see me again.  He said something about the movies.  I don’t know why a guy would bother to say stuff like that if he wasn’t interested.  He could have just as easily have left with a, “it was nice meeting you”.  Polite but not interested.

But I know it makes absolutely no sense to text, email or call Mr. Too Busy to see if he wants to get together again.  Even if the answer is yes.  Then I’ve just created a relationship dynamic that I really don’t want.

If he really does like me, it will occur to him some time in the next day or so that he hasn’t called.  And I’ll cut him some slack about not getting in touch sooner.  But, honestly, I think he’s probably just not that into me.  And I’m kinda bummed.


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7 to “He’s Just Not That Into Me & I’m Kinda Bummed”


  1. TerrySimpson says:

    Sometimes we want more what is not available. Sometimes we see something in someone that we want to explore.
    Sometimes we put into people what we want – when it is not there.
    But you know this-

  2. drumdance says:

    The cynic in me thinks he might be using pickup artist techniques. Being late and not apologizing is an asshole-y way to project confidence. Leaving quickly creates scarcity. I’ve never done stuff like this but read about it. He may not be doing it intentionally, but the fact that you’re ruminating on it suggests it works on some level. How do you think you’ll feel if he calls you in 2-3 days? Happy, perhaps even relieved, to hear from him? Pissed that he didn’t call sooner?

  3. LPS says:

    My first thought: “Shame.” My second: “He’s such a loser.” I don’t know why! But those were the instinctual mutterings of my inner mind. :( Obviously, I don’t know the guy, but I’m not impressed with this one. Be bummed…but it’s cool, life will throw you something nice to focus in its place in a few days.

    I picked up a cute fridge magnet today decorated with the typical 1950s drawings on it. It read: “So many men, so many reasons to sleep alone.” Sorry dudes, I’m not dissing the entire gender here, but it did make me laugh out loud. My mum & her ladies were with me, & we all had a 2-generational giggle, a moment where everyone is in sync, very cute.

  4. hershoeaddiction says:

    If he comes in handy keep him. If you can do it yourself let him go.

  5. Simone Grant says:

    -Terry,
    Oh I know. And I know that I don’t know this guy and so he could just be another arrogant jerk. Or really involved with another woman. Or a lot of things. I’m not going to wasted anymore time thinking about it.
    -drumdance
    Anything is possible. If he called me now, or in a day or two and didn’t give me an explanation for the delay, I wouldn’t be interested. If he called and apologized for not calling sooner, then I’d see him again. I have no tolerance for games.
    As to whether I’d feel relieved – no, that’s not it. Right now I feel annoyed that he misrepresented his feelings/intentions. Is he contacted me and came me a reason to see him again (an apology) then I’d be less annoyed.
    -LPS
    Yeah, not too impressed myself. When it comes down to it, he’s a human male. Not a god. And he hasn’t given me too many reasons to like him. He has given me several to not like him…
    -hershoeaddiction
    Good advice, in general. In this case I think he’s already gone.

  6. Singletude: A Positive Blog for Singles says:

    “I don’t know why a guy would bother to say stuff like that if he wasn’t interested. He could have just as easily have left with a, ‘it was nice meeting you’.”

    YES! I don’t have a problem with it if a guy decides he’s not interested. That’s cool. Whatever. But please, please, PLEASE don’t talk it up like you’re so thrilled you met me, can’t wait to see me again, and already know exactly where you want to take me next time…and then never call me again. I HATE that. I try to be so careful not to raise false expectations if I don’t like someone that way. I don’t understand why some guys seem unable to do the same. Maybe, in retrospect, they think it over and realize there were some things they didn’t like and/or someone else seems more appealing. But that’s why I think people need to be careful about what they say and not make false promises or misrepresent their intentions. It’s really not fair to the other person.

  7. Simone Grant says:

    -Singletude
    I agree. I try to not say much more than, it was nice meeting you, at the end of a date. I don’t know. I think for some guys it’s a form of external validation.