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I Love You, But I Love Another More?

I’m not a big fan of reality shows (with a few exceptions – I’m completely in love with Top Chef and had a mild flirtation with the Millionaire Matchmaker, but couldn’t stand her past season 1).  The shows that I really don’t get are the Bachelor and the Bachelorette.  The whole formula just doesn’t make sense to me.

Anyway, I was reading TresSugar the other day and she did a a review of the Bachelorette’s finale.  I guess this chick fell for more than one guy?  Whatever.  I didn’t see the show or the series and so I’m not going to weigh in with my opinion as to whether she was being real or just going for good TV, but I find it hard to believe that anyone can really be all that conflicted about a big decision like that.  Because when it comes right down to it, I’m not sure I believe that people can really be in love with more than one person at the same time.

What about you, do you believe that people are capable of being in love with more than one person at the same time?

  • Yes, absolutely. It happens all the time. (42 votes)
  • Not really. I think people have to fall out of love with one person to with another. (32 votes)
  • I’m not sure. (19 votes)
  • Other. Please explain in the comments. (4 votes)

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11 to “I Love You, But I Love Another More?”

  1. aGirlNamedMe says:

    Because we love different people in our lives in different ways (children, parents, lovers, friends), it makes sense that we could then find another person and fall in love with that person – it wouldn’t be the same kind of love. With one person, you could be in committed love and with another person, it is more of a romantic love. I absolutely think it’s possible, but that doesn’t mean I like it! xoxo

  2. Hammer86 says:

    There is a polyamory gene that a large percentage of the population has (somewhere in the 20-40% of men range). Men with this gene are essentially incapable of being faithful. Those people are capable of loving more than one person at a time, but most of us are not.

    I totally understand where you’re coming not being able to relate to this experience though, because I really can’t either. I just sort of have faith on an intellectual level that it’s true, but I am still incapable of wrapping my head around it because when I’m in love with someone no other women exist to me. In my experience, if I’m having trouble choosing between two people, I probably don’t like either one that much.

  3. pansophy says:

    Got to start with this:

    Add on top of that different connection points (spiritual, emotional, intellectual, physical) amplified by a lot of brain chemicals and I don’t know how you couldn’t fall in love with more than one person on a show like that.

    Having said that I don’t think that relationships can occupy the same metaphysical space, so either the guys she ‘fell in love’ with were either very different or neither really filled the space and her ‘feelings’ were primarily oxytocin driven.

  4. TheB0y says:

    Not sure where I remember this from, but it stuck with me: The human heart has an infinite capacity to love. While there may be some ‘anatomical’ issues with the statement, I do believe it.

    There’s of course different kinds of love, like loving your children or parents (would suck if you could only love one of those), loving your pets (just don’t love them *that* way). I believe you can also be in love with more than one person in a relationship kinda way.
    There are certain things at may attract us to a person, that may make us fall in love with them (try naming reasons why you loved the last person, there’s often silly little things on the list). As long as that person doesn’t do anything to change that, why shouldn’t you be able to love someone else as well, maybe not for all the same reasons?

    As for the TV show you refer to, I’ve never seen it, or any reality TV for that matter, and I’m skeptical that they just happened to be able to pick the one guy, let alone two, that she would actually fall in love with, (how long/how many dates have you tried to find *that* guy?), so her thing might have just been (arguably) good TV.

  5. klawless says:

    Hummm… I watch occasionally, but like some people would watch a train wreck. It does provide great blog topics for me. *grin* I’m with you on the basic flaw in the setup of those shows — besides, if you watch her story lines carefully and how she’s thinking about these guys — 90% of it is lust driven. He’s hot, makes me fluttery, I can’t stop wanting to kiss him now that I know he can keep it up… ergo, he must be the guy for me. *sigh* Anyone want to lay bets on how long that’ll last? In my book — lust does not equal love.

    As for “twuuuuuuu wuuuuuvvvvv,” I’m thinking it’s possible love someone but not be “in love.” So — like the commenters above — yes to multiple loves but in different ways and for different reasons. But I really do believe that proactively loving someone over the long haul (as in “in love”) is a choice. If you choose to be “in love” with multiple people, then you are choosing to nurture that but most people really don’t have the energy or desire to hold onto past, present and future loves all at the same time.


  6. PiscesInPurple says:

    I don’t really think it’s possible to be totally in love with two people at the same time. Lust? Sure. But that’s different. I’m pretty much a classic serial monogamist. And a few times I’ve started a new, long-term relationship immediately after ending another. While I might still care about the ex, his place in my heart pretty much gets obliterated by the new guy.

    I’ve never seen an episode of the Bachelorette. I’m sure that doesn’t surprise you, Simone. :)

  7. Veka says:

    I actually kind of agree with Hammer on this one. I, personally, would never be able to do it. But I guess it’s different for everyone. Ideally it wouldn’t be possible to love more than one person at a time, but it might be possible for certain people. Pisces has a good point about lust. I think it’s pretty easy to lust after more than one person at the same time.

  8. Anonymous says:

    I think that show is so highly constructed that a) you can’t trust anyone’s responses or “confessionals” anyway because they’ve been edited, and b) they put people in situations that show them off to their best potential.

    I buy that she’s attracted to more than one and even that she likes them both quite a bit, but how can you POSSIBLY be “in love” with anyone after only several weeks, let alone if you’re also ACTIVELY DATING like 25 other people at the same time?! There’s not even enough time to get to know the other person well enough, with all that going on.

  9. Singletude: A Positive Blog for Singles says:

    I’ve seen “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette” a number of times but abandoned it after last season. I think there’s some evidence to support that the whole thing follows a predetermined script, and I drew the line when it seemed like that script resulted in needless public humiliation for one of last season’s participants. As far as the show goes, I’m with Anonymous above–I don’t think it’s possible to know someone well enough to say that you love them when you’ve only been on a handful of dates in a contrived, on-camera setting.

    Whether or not you can be “in love” with more than one person depends on your definition of love, I suppose. IMO, the emotion that we call “love” is comprised of physical attraction (those pesky hormones coursing through our veins) plus a strong emotional bond that evolves out of the right mix of compatibility, complementariness, shared history, and so on. Aside from the physical attraction aspect, we can feel that strong emotional bond with anyone, and we DO feel it for friends and other family members. So, if it’s possible to be physically attracted to more than one person at once (and it seems obvious that it is) and it’s possible to have a powerful emotional bond with more than one person at once, then it would seem possible to have feelings of romantic love for more than one person at once.

    However, there’s another component to what many of us call “love,” and that’s commitment, the choice to love (i.e., be loving) even when we don’t feel like it. It’s also present in all kinds of relationships, not just romantic ones, and it’s what makes us stick around even when we’re not feeling the emotion that we call “love.” It’s what makes us say, “I can’t STAND my mom/brother/cousin/best friend/boyfriend when she/he does this or that, but of course I love her/him.” I think a certain amount of exclusivity is what makes that kind of commitment precious–you’re not giving it to just anyone. Even if you wanted to, it wouldn’t be possible because big commitments require big expenditures of time and energy. If we consider that commitment part of love, then it would be hard to love more than one person at a time because of the overwhelming commitment required. And even if we could, it might not be advisable because of the desire for exclusivity with a primary partner that seems hardwired into so many of us.

  10. Simone Grant says:

    Your logic seems sound to me. I guess I am thinking that you can’t love two people the same way at the same time. And even then I’m not so sure.
    I am completely comfortable with the idea of polyamory, but yet only in theory. For other people. A gene? Ok.
    I think you’re probably giving her more credit than she deserves, but OK. I’d suspect this was more about thoughts than feelings.
    Love doesn’t make much sense, in terms of why we love a person. And your reasoning that that love will continue as long as a person doesn’t do anything to make us stop loving them makes sense. Very ‘logical”.
    You and I have very similar working definition of loving someone vs being in love with someone. And I guess that’s why I have a hard time with this. One a person has chosen to be in love, and thus chooses to nurture that relationship, the notion of them falling in love with another person seems odd. But then, there is polyamory…
    Nope, doesn’t surprise me at all. And I think your experience is pretty much the norm. How does it feel to be the norm?
    Oh yeah, lust seems to be infinite :-)
    That seems like a pretty good breakdown of why I don’t watch it. Thanks.
    -Singletude: A Positive Blog for Singles
    You did a great job at pointing out just how complicated “love” is. It’s not just a single feeling (no matter what the people at hallmark want us to believe). Thanks

  11. PiscesInPurple says:

    How does it feel to be the norm? It’s a nice change of pace for me, actually. :)

    BTW… I’m officially no longer single. God Bless the Internet!