Comments on: Old Habits Die Hard

By: Simone Grant

Simone Grant — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 00:54:29 +0000

-Hammer
SMH again. I realize you adhere to rather simplistic ideas about attraction. Many people, myself included, believe that human attraction is more complicated than just our biological urges. Oh, and I have no intention of settling.
-klawless
I agree, balance is the key to getting this right. And I’ve come pretty damn close. Close, but no cigar. Not yet. And yes, it takes consistent time and attention.
-DateDoctor
I don’t believe in Mr. Right. I think he’s kind of a destructive myth. I’m also not looking for a protector/someone to make me feel secure. Just a guy I like so much that I’d rather spend time with him than be alone. Oh, and good sex. Pretty simple, actually.
-Dating
Welcome to the blog. Yeah, there’s something kind of comforting about knowing that everyone makes the same mistakes over and over.
-pansophy
I know I’m looking for a complicated mix of traits – hence the not having a boyfriend for over a year
-browolf
Actually, “nice” is one of those things that’s easy to fake. Much harder to fake a real backbone.
-Singletude
I know that the guys I’m seeking exist. But they’re rare. And you’re right – the heart wants what it wants. But the heart is fickle and I’m a pretty damn cerebral chick. Most of my dating decisions are made with my head.

Thanks for chiming in, everyone. This is a tough one.

By: Singletude

Singletude — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 09:21:31 +0000

Thanks for this post–I think I was the one who asked you about it. I’ve found this issue of attraction to the wrong type to be a stumbling block in my life, as well.

I once had a conversation with my cousin, who also found herself attracted to the wrong type. She had been to counseling and had read numerous self-help books, and she concluded, “You can tell your head what to think, but the heart wants what it wants.”

You might call my type the Impetuous Romantic. They don’t necessarily come across as dominant or aggressive, but they are, nevertheless, fundamentally narcissistic kinds of men. I can now spot these types coming from a mile away…But it doesn’t mean I’m not attracted to them anymore or that I AM attracted to men who are NOT like them.

There are many reasons that I’ve stopped dating, but one of them has to be that it’s just not fun for me to date men I’m not attracted to. I like being single and would rather continue to be so than try to be with a man I’m not attracted to.

It occurs to me that this comment might sound depressing. I don’t mean it to. I do believe that we can overcome unhealthy attractions by identifying and resolving their root causes. But it’s just that sometimes those roots go so deep that it feels nearly impossible to dig them out for good.

I will say, though, that if it’s a dominant, confident man you seek, I know there are such men who are also capable of being very generous, compassionate, even selfless. In fact, I dated one of those who is now one of my dearest friends.

Anyway, I hope you’ll keep us posted as you work on changing your dating patterns. I think it could be really helpful for all of us who struggle with these kinds of issues to see the practical steps someone is taking to overcome them.

By: browolf

browolf — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 00:54:28 +0000

writing of course is a good way of reinforcing ones ideas. Maybe it would help to define clearer the type of guy that would be best and try and figure a way of determining it without having to rely so much on yet untrained gut instinct. I think klawless has it right with “nice with backbone” and whilst “badass with mush” could work too. the trouble is there you’re in too deep when you discover there’s no mush. it seems to me thus you want to be able to determine nice before you meet them and backbone when you do. as far as attraction goes. is having less upfront and getting nowhere any worse than having more upfront and getting nowhere?

By: pansophy

pansophy — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 00:23:44 +0000

Dating a guy that isn’t what you are attracted to isn’t transcending the driving force that underlies what attracts you to a man _ it’s just doing the opposite of it.

In other words, what ever that is inside you that causes you to be attracted to people that ‘are bad for you’ is still making your decisions for you; you are either in a relationship that is either ‘not good for you’ or just fundamentally doesn’t fulfill you.

Can’t work.

You need to get at the source issue and transcend it by releasing the energy behind the issue. Then you just won’t be attracted to that anymore.

Having said all that, you do need a pretty complicated mix of traits that will be rare to find in the same person.

By: Dating

Dating — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 17:58:54 +0000

I think we are all foolish sometimes when it comes to dating, even though we sometimes know the person and know they are wrong for us we all fall into the same trap only for it to be a losing run in the end.