Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

He’s Just Not That Into Me

The weekend before last I had a really great 1st date. And then hours later the guy left town for work.  We’d been in touch while he was away, exchanged a simple – that was fun, let’s get together again email volley.

And now he’s back.  Or rather, I think he is.  He was due back Tuesday.

I haven’t heard from him.

I could reach out to him, but I’ve decided not to.  It’s not about wanting to be chased or thinking that he’d rather chase me.

It’s just that I’ve been there and done that with guys who travel a lot for work.  And I know that the only way I’d want to get into something like that again is if I was 100% sure it was a good idea.  And part of that means being 100% sure (or as sure as I can be) that he’s really into me.

If he was, I’d have heard from him by now. And I haven’t.  So he isn’t.  And that’s cool.

In the meantime, I have an inbox full of messages from guys I haven’t answered.  It’s been a weird week.

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16 to “He’s Just Not That Into Me”

  1. Hypatia says:

    Agreed! In my opinion, it’s not about playing games (as some guys seem to think it is…) it’s the antithesis of playing games, in my mind. It’s about NOT trying to be a mind reader, not mindfucking every single little detail or interaction for some type of clue as to whether or not he likes me… If you like me, let me know. And I will do the same. Let’s be grown-ups about this.
    *Note: Letting someone know I like them? Means saying, “Yes, I would like to spend more time with you.” or sending someone an email saying, “Hey, I saw this article/play/movie… it made me think of you. Let’s discuss it/go see it…. ” etc. Not necessarily saying… “I like you.. .you know. In THAT way.”)

  2. sfsingleguy says:

    It is quite possible that he hasn’t come up with good plans yet to make some quality time with you. That’s a very real occurrence – I’m likely to give myself a couple extra days to contact a girl if I haven’t come up with a good date idea yet.

    Think about it this way – how would you have felt if he contacted you right when he got back, and didn’t really have anything specific in mind? I spend about 15-30 minutes figuring out a venue and plan for a first date – second dates can take an hour of planning. And this is time that I need to put some focus into; multitasking while date planning never leads to a good outcome.

  3. Anonymous says:

    i find people like you facinating products or our on line/socila networking culture. another perpetual dater. you think your looking for a relationship, but you’re not. do you think it is accidental that you are a “dating” girl”. with a “dating blog” for several years???? you are a dater, not a girlfirend…and certainly not a wife. and you will date men like you……………those that just want to date. they say they want a realtionship, but they don’t. or they don’t know how to. they know how to date. and i can predict that you will be dating forever……….

  4. LPS says:

    That’s an awful thing to say Anonymous. I don’t think it’s fair to make snap judgements like that and assume you know the whole story from a blog.

    Simone – I really wouldn’t worry. You had a fantastic first date. I agree with sfsingeguy. He’ll call. He’s just easing back into things: work stuff, home stuff – and he’s probably quite tired, as well. When he’s ready for socialising he will get in touch.

  5. DateDoctor says:

    I think you’re spot on Simone…If he’s into ya- he’ll call simple keep your head up- there’s 8 million people in LA alone 😉

  6. lostplum says:

    I’m with LPS, those are are just awful things to say! And don’t comment when you don’t get all the details from a blog! Also as a “blogger” in general I am personally offended by this comment as well! And to be honest I find people like “you” more interesting in our social media culture. Those people who take the time to read our work and waste the energy to comment on stuff that doesn’t suit their style.

    Simone you are a wonderful person and I’m sure he’ll call and even if he doesn’t I know you are more then able to brush it off and keep on looking. (It would be his lose!)

  7. Anonymous says:

    you say, “he’s not into me and thats cool”. that would be cool if it were true. what would be cool is if you were able to say you are dissapointed. and that after going on so many hohum dates, and tons of bad dates, it was refreshing and exciting to go on a good date……………and that you are dissapointed. and this is confirmed by your need to mention tons of unread emails from MEN in ur inbox…….. guess it makes you feel good to be wanted, even if you dont want them………………kinda empty after all these years, isn’t it ?!?!

  8. Anonymous says:

    god. didn’t you people read the book? see the movie? he really is not into you. funny how everyone is making excuses for him? he could contact you from anywhere in the world in 2 seconds?? a text, an email… to say hi, had a nice time, see you when im back. he may have had a nice time, doesn’t mean he wants a relationship with you??? he is either caught up in just dating as you are . and unable and or unprepared for a relationship, as you are. otherwise you’d be in one by now… don’t you get it????.

  9. LPS says:

    Hey Anonymous, why are you attacking her? What infuriates (or irritates) you so much about this?

    I think it’s disappointing for everyone when after a great date, not to have a firm follow-up for date number 2. If she wasn’t ever-so-slightly disappointed, Simone wouldn’t have written a blog on it.

    And however, right or wrong you may be (only Simone can truthfully say) why attack her like that in your 2nd comment? Isn’t it much better to have a civilized discussion (in a nice way) rather than deliberately try to upset someone? You can get your point across but not in a derogatory way, is what I’m saying.

  10. Anonymous says:

    not meant to be derogatory…. only being honest. simone is a big girl! why fool ur self and others into accepting and rationalizing bad behavior. it is polite and correct to make contact after a date…………good or bad. period. and people continue to make excuses for people… and women especially. “only simone knows…..” come on, it is human behavior to be dissapointed. its a big deal to say how you feel?! i think blowing it off and pretending its ok is irresponsible for her…….especially in this forum.

  11. LPS says:

    But they made contact after the date! He was polite. She was polite. That book, “He’s just not into you” is not the bible of how to discern a successful relationship from scratch. They had 1 date. They don’t know eachother that well. She isn’t a factor in his life from 1 date, however great it was. Nobody is, after 1 date, which wasn’t altogether that long because he left for work a few hours later. IF he’s back from work, it’s only been 2 days & sorry Anonymous, but as you get older, you get tired. I’m wiped out when I travel for work & I come back to more work at the office, there’s a limit to what you can properly do while you’re away. So if I were in this guy’s shoes, I had 1 enjoyable date, then left for work. Does the 1 date mean anything? Maybe but let me adjust and get back into the swing of things. Then I’ll call. And sometimes, it’s nice for the other person to make the effort as well and get the ball rolling. We all get caught up in life…life and its daily struggles, our own dramas etc. It’s not about making excuses or rationalizing bad behaviour.

  12. bbbex says:

    Some guys just do the “fade” thinking that’s better than outright telling someone they’re not interested. Annoying.

  13. DentalBabe says:

    Although “Anonymous” is saying things in a rather harsh way. He’s right. If someone is digging someone else, they will FIND time to call, or even a simple text. That book does tell it like it is. Something that has saved me many times of “wondering why he he hasn’t called”. As much as it hurts, he’s just not that into you.

  14. Veka says:

    I am stuck in the mindset of: if he wants to talk to me he will talk to me. It’s as simple as that. If he doesn’t want to talk to me, he won’t. Now, if it’s someone that I’m “dating” or whatever, then I will be a little more forward and send a text if I haven’t heard from him in “x” amount of time. But after a first or second date, if I don’t hear from the person, it’s usually a sign. But that’s just me. If Simone feels like the date went well (and has no reason to think that he’s not into her), then maybe she should text him first. The worst case scenario is that she never hears from him again. Best case? She gets him to be more forward and they end up going out again.

  15. babygirl Karma says:

    I don’t think its fair to be judging Simone.

    It is what it..she not stuck in a moment (because he’s not calling), and is ready to move on. What’s wrong with that? Why should she be negative about it? what good will it bring to her? To her life?

    And what’s with assuming that she’s not cool about it? If she says she is, she must be more so than not.

    You cant control dating, and meeting someone that a relationship will work out with….but you can control how you see things, positive or negativity.

    I don’t get it….judging all single women as “dating girls”, and implying that they’ll be single forever is wrong. It’s like thinking that a singles are bitter, coz in reality …that’s simply not true. At one point of another, all women( and men) have been single or in a relationship in there lives…

    There isn’t a timer ticking in “single ville” pressuring single people to find someone to have a relationship with….it happens when it does…and if it doesn’t …it doesn’t …no biggy.

  16. Simone Grant says:

    Hmmm. I’m still a bit out of it, but let’s see if I can untangle all of this. I wrote a post saying that a guy I met for a single date was probably not that into me. I was ambivalent about it. It was a really good date. Not because he was my dream guy (he’s a bit young, younger than me, in fact AND travels about 50% of the time and I have a bad history with guys who travel all of the time). But he planned a great date and we had fun.

    No biggie. SERIOUSLY.

    SFSingleGuy pointed out that he could just be trying to plan a great 2nd date and to not count him out yet. Completely legit. I wasn’t counting him out. Just thinking he was the kind of guy who’d send a quick, “hey, I’m back, let’s plan on getting together later in the week” text.

    There are some people who aren’t happy that I could just date and then shrug it off like that. We have (at least one) new commenter, Anonymous, with a seriously NASTY attitude.

    Anonymous – you don’t know me and I don’t know you and so I’m not going to make any assumptions about your motives or why you’d take your time to write unpleasant things on a stranger’s blog.

    Just to correct you on some facts: I’ve been keeping thing blog for under a year (not years as you stated). I’ve had plenty of relationships (you said that I “was not a girlfriend” – I don’t even know what that means, but it probably means that I don’t live in a way that you approve of)many of which I’ve detailed here in the blog, and have no desire to be anyone’s wife. You’ve clearly read very little of my work and yet feel comfortable making all kinds of judgments about who I am and what kind of life I have and will have in the future.

    I was sick for most of the last week so I didn’t have the time to deal with these comments at the time, but let me be clear, improve your attitude or get out.

    babygirl Karma made an interesting point about single people being pressured. It happens when it happens. And my feeling is that sometimes it doesn’t happen. I know that many single people feel like they must be in a relationship. They desire that connection above all else. I do not.

    Bbex, you’re right about most people preferring the fade. We’ve talked about that before. In this case, he was away. And I knew that there was a pretty good chance this would happen. I don’t know how better to explain this other than to say this is the way it is with guys who travel a lot. They have social ADD. And we didn’t even kiss.

    Anyway… Sorry I didn’t reply to everyone. I just found this thread exasperating.