Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Don’t Catch the “Rebound” Guy

I’m so excited. Today I have a special , Maya Contreras, author of 8 Weeks of Bruce.  Maya and I met recently when we were both recruited to participate in .   As her book doesn’t release until August, I thought it would be cool if she got the opportunity to share some of her wisdom here.

Don’t Catch the “” Guy

I have to admit much in the way of Groundhogs’ Day, I have fallen for the ‘rebound’ guy a few times. It has taught me a few valuable lessons (after a few major headaches that is).

When a long-term relationship ends it usually brings in its wake: confusion, pain, and loneliness most likely compounded by depression due to the loss.

Of course there is a desire to quickly rid oneself of those loathsome feelings. Some of us do this by sleeping far too much, burying ourselves in our work, abusing drugs and alcohol, or promiscuity. However, many will attempt to quickly jump into another relationship, even though they are emotionally wounded and unavailable to do so just yet.

Why Attempt to Rebound?

There are many reasons why someone would want to rebound:

Missing the comfort of one steady partner.

A fear of being alone.

A need for distraction.

Instead of dealing with the present pain of their current loss they will wrap themselves around the new found ‘passion’ of their latest paramour- you.

How do you know that a man is rebounding? He Will Most Likely “Steam Roll” You.

What is “Steam Rolling?”

He begins to call you his girlfriend way before it is appropriate to do so.

He makes grand romantic gestures like planning trips or vacations within a week or two of knowing you.

Attempts to try and see you as much as humanly possible.

Frequently texts and/or calls you.

His preoccupation with you as a distraction usually culminates with him being unusually attentive and affectionate at the onset of dating, giving a false sense that he is ready for another committed relationship (this time) with you. However, he is just conveying the comfort zone of a man who is used to being in a relationship. He is just picking up, where his last relationship ended off. He is not really in this new relationship with “you” as he is still dealing with “her.”

Maybe talk about his feelings or thoughts still being “with her”?

The bright red flags indicating that he is not over his ex will usually waive within the first week of dating. He will bring her name up frequently in conversation (he might not always be aware that he is doing this, but you will be able to see that she is still on his mind).

You will feel like there are three people in bed instead of just you two, and the residual frustration and confusion that he feels for his last girlfriend will absolutely affect the dynamic between you too.

Can a relationship with a ‘rebounding’ man work?

Yes. Will it be difficult? Utterly.

Any “too much too soon” scenarios usually end badly. They will be looking to you to make up for the shortcomings of their last relationship, hoping this “will be different”, not realizing they are just trading an old set of issues for new ones. The cycle continues…They will also be looking to repair their wounded egos, something you would not have the tools to fix. When they realize this, you will be left in the dust quicker then Wile E. Coyote while your Road Runner goes through a string of women hoping to fill the hole in his heart with copious copulatory emissions.

There is also the reality that he might attempt to get back together with his ex. Even with his profuse assurance that he is “absolutely and totally over her” or “he never really loved her”, or “we have tried again and again to make it work, but it just doesn’t” believe me when I say, he might 1. Give it a go again 2. He actually loves her, but doesn’t want to admit this to you to avoid hurting your feelings (not realizing he isn’t doing you any favors by lying about it) 3. You will begin to resent him for talking about her at nausem.

Yes, that’s right, on top of him rebounding, there is the very annoying little fact that you might end up becoming not only his shoulder to lean on while he gets over his ex, but a pseudo psychiatrist to him while narcotizing him with sex. Realize you are probably his only outlet for these feelings. Most of his guy friends don’t want to hear, “I really miss my ex. I can’t seem to get through all this pain I’m feeling.” Instead they usually tell their guy friends, “No big deal, I’m good man, I’m over it.”

Do your self a favor, throw this catch back for now, there are plenty of other players on the court.

Follow Maya Contreras on Twitter

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7 to “Don’t Catch the “Rebound” Guy”

  1. Simone Grant says:

    Since this post is breaking with tradition (my 1st female guest blogger) I’ll break another tradition and leave the first comment. I found myself nodding as I read this, just as soon as Maya described steam rolling. I’d never thought of it like that before, but I’ve certainly experienced it.

    Too damn many times.

  2. lostplum says:

    Have to agree with you Simone. I think I let out a verbal “yup!” and a * sigh * when I read the term STEAM ROLLING.

    I agree with so much of what Maya is saying, except I do find that guys also tend to bad mouth the ‘ex’ alot when there are feeling there. This is always harder to pick up/pick out. Because she can really be a crazy bitch, or he can be just saying it and telling you about how crazy she is because he really did/still loves her.

    (oh men)

  3. sfsingleguy says:

    I’ve never heard the steam rolling term before, interesting. I guess it is kind of like the guy equivalent of fast tracking (when a girl you are dating basically does the same thing.

  4. Anonymous says:

    Sadly, I think this person is me. Not really the steamrolling, but definitely the feeling of loneliness. Lately, though, I’ve gotten a lot better about that.

  5. Simone Grant says:

    Oh, boy. I was thinking more about this last night (insomnia’s a bitch). I’m probably going to do a post about it today. Yes, sometimes they do a lot of bitchy as a form of show (I’m not sure who they’re trying to convince- I think maybe themselves).
    Ugh. And ouch.

  6. Veka says:

    Wow, this post really helped me think about some things going on with the guy I’m currently dating. I will more than likely end up referencing this post later. Thanks Maya and Simone!

  7. nandoism says:

    Great post and kudos Simone for breaking tradition TWICE! The two of you together are going to be a force on August 8th! Ticket sales are up and things are looking good!