Comments on: Learning The Hard Way

By: Simone Grant

Simone Grant — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 22:22:53 +0000

-SIngletude
I like that phrase, superdates. I actually think that what we each experienced is not that uncommon. It’s just not the kind of thing people talk about much. And so when it happens to us, we’re surprised by the outcome.

By: Singletude: A Positive Blog for Singles

Singletude: A Positive Blog for Singles — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 19:10:46 +0000

I had a similar experience a number of years ago. I met this guy in a chat room, and we talked every night for six long months. (He lived about 10 hours away by car.) Then he flew out to see me and stayed for the weekend. He was…not the person I’d thought he would be. He was awkward and shy to a painful degree. And the truth is I think he was surprised by me, too.

Like you said, the problem wasn’t the distance as much as the idealization that the distance allowed. When you live far apart, you don’t see each other much, and when you don’t see each other much, it’s easy to project a fantasy onto the other person.

Also, there’s this pressure to have weekend-long “superdates” when you DO meet up because so much time has been invested in travel. That can lead to spending waaaaay too much intimate time with someone you barely know. In some of these situations, I have to wonder if part of the problem is the rushed nature of these superdates. For instance, in my case, maybe the guy wouldn’t have been so shy and awkward if we’d gotten to know each other the “normal” way, through a series of shorter dates, before jumping into a whole weekend.

I won’t say that I’ll never have a long-distance relationship, but it would have to be with someone who was willing to go slowly and not have premature superdates, and that’s hard to find.

By: Simone Grant

Simone Grant — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 16:19:49 +0000

Wow, that’s kind of funny. I don’t really see this primarily as a cautionary tale about dating someone who lives far away. That was part of the problem, but for me the bigger issue was that I developed a completely false sense of who he was – based on what I wanted to believe, rather than what was true. Like bbex said, I idealized him before I knew him (and the distance was a big element of that). And then when he was there, right in front of me I had to deal with the fact that he wasn’t the person I’d imagined.

I know there are lots of people in happy long-distance relationships. I’d never tell anyone else not to try. I just know that for me they don’t work.

By: bbbex

bbbex — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 00:21:54 +0000

It is so easy to idealize people we don’t even know. Glad it didn’t turn out to be dangerous for you. For me, I like to date people that live far enough away they won’t be “dropping by” unannounced, but close enough that it’s not totally inconvenient to do things with a little planning. I suppose one could accomplish that in NYC as it’s so big.

By: Veka

Veka — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 19:53:12 +0000

I’m currently in this predicament myself. And my guy is about 2.5 hours away. And we both work M-F. I’m keeping my fingers crossed…