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Chicks Look On the Bright Side? – My 5 Least Favorite Things About Relationships

I’m sure I’ve mentioned this before – my is good for shit.  I’d say it’s early senility, because I am getting old and that’s almost a legit excuse, but my friends and family know better,  My is actually severely affected by some medicine I have to take.  It’s not something I’m happy about, or comfortable saying more about here, but it’s a pretty big issue in my life so I figured I’d put it out there.

Anyway, there was something I wanted to write about ages ago, but I guess I forgot to write it down and then I forgot about it.  You should see my apartment.  Stickies everywhere.  But no sticky for this.  Luckily, Lostplum write about last week and jostled my memory.

Back when she and I went to , Matt said men look back at their past and think of all the negatives whereas women look back at their past and think of all of the positives.  Here’s Lostplum’s take on this.  Which is very similar to mine – um, no.  Not for me, anyway.

When I look back at my past relationships, I’m thinking of the negatives (the only positive I think of, and this is a constant, is the lots of sex on a regular basis).   In fact, that’s why I’m so cautious and picky (yeah, I said it, I’m picky and I should be picky, goddamnit) when it comes to men and potential future boyfriends.  I’m not looking back fondly on how great it was to be in a relationship.  I’m looking back and thinking, lord that was a freaking nightmare.

So here’s my list of the week.  The stuff of my nightmares.  My 5 Least Favorite Things About Relationships:

  1. Compromise means me giving up what I want/need and him getting what he wants/needs
  2. Over the course of the relationship my self-esteem will go down, as I start to doubt myself and my self worth
  3. I will enthusiastically support his every whim and project and will probably reorganize my life and schedule around him.  He might remember to ask me about my work a couple times a month.
  4. He will lie to me.
  5. He will take me for granted.

Ah, good times.

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16 to “Chicks Look On the Bright Side? – My 5 Least Favorite Things About Relationships”

  1. drumdance says:

    If you dump someone, you obviously found them lacking and will remember it that way. If you get dumped, you may remember the relationship itself fondly but have a bitter aftertaste from the breakup.

    And it sounds like you’ve had some really bad luck. I remember most of my relationships fondly and am still friendly with most exes. Heck, my soon-to-be ex-wife and I our doing our divorce without lawyers, and not because we don’t have assets. I’m going to be giving her a lot of alimony, but we’re still close.

  2. drumdance says:

    Crap, I left out the first sentence: I think your memories are affected by who broke up with whom.

  3. iamalejandra says:

    I don’t know how this fits into this post but my least favorite thing about being in a relationship is the fact that 95% of the people around me stop thinking about me as a whole and I am degraded to being 1/2 of a unit. For example, if I show up to a party by myself the first question I get is “Oh where is ____ ?” I hate that. And yes, I do know that this has nothing to do with the person that I’m dating, but it’s still an issue for me when it comes to relationships.

  4. Devon aka Dru says:

    I usually look at a relationship as positive right before a break up; I know that the relationship is turbulent or has run it’s course, but I start looking for all of those positives so that I have reasons to hold on and have some sort of delusional hope that it will work out. Then, post break up, I look back at it all and ask myself wtf did I see in that person and look at everything, even the positives, as negative. It’s a very annoying cycle that I seriously need to break…

  5. sfsingleguy says:

    “4. He will lie to me.”

    I think being lied to in a relationship is a constant, it’s the level of being lied to that is variable. Sometimes we lie if nothing more than to avoid a long explanation about something trivial. Other times it is to cover up infidelities – I tend to not be as accepting of those types of lies.

    But if you’re going to be in a relationship, I would say expect to be lied to, but don’t tolerate being deceived.

  6. LPS says:

    Ah Simone! You do what I do. When you’re too damn nice, you are going to get walked all over. People never appreciate a good thing when they have it, in this world. It’s unfortunate, but because everyone has their lazy side to them, it’s easy to get comfortable in a relationship, take the other person for granted, etc. I’ve found in my relationships that when too much sex is on offer combined with too much attention, my blokes feel like: “Wow. I can stop making an effort now! What a girl.” Unfortunately, one must insist on appreciation: not rearrange your schedule to suit them, not run around after them, not be their determined little cheerleader. Both parties in the relationship should make an effort. And the cliche is true: Communication is key. It needs to be said. The other person can’t mind-read. Sex on tap (yes, it’s terrific) combined with an over-eagerness to please will lead to resentment from the one making all the effort. No wonder self-esteem and self-worth goes down the drain. The only way I certainly felt I had my guys’ 100% attention was during sex. That was the way we communicated/connected to a certain extent. My self-esteem + self-worth went down, as well. A lack of appreciation and respect will do that. If he’s the type of guy that wants it all to be easy and can’t be bothered to make an effort, then he’s not the right guy. Don’t get me wrong, everyone loves a highly sexual relationship. But without mutual respect, understanding, appreciation and genuine rapport, it’s just not enough. A good relationship needs balance in all its parts. You deserve it. You’re human, you’re caring, you’re honest. You should have it all. (Sorry for long tirade!!!)

  7. Singletude: A Positive Blog for Singles says:

    Despite what Matt might have said, it’s never been that black and white for me. When I look back at a number of my relationships, I see both positives and negatives. There are only a couple of relationships I wish had never happened altogether and just one that I look back at without any regrets at all. Judging from the men I know who have returned to ex-gf’s, including me, it seems very unlikely that all men always look back at their past relationships and remember only the bad. Actually, I think generalizations about what all men or all women do are pretty much useless. People are so different. If there’s any generalization that can be made, though, I find that time softens old grudges and heals old heartache so that we tend to remember the past in more rosy hues.

    This would be my list:
    1. Same as yours.
    2. My normally stable emotions are whipped around on the roller coaster of what someone else says, thinks, and feels.
    3. I lose valuable writing time while I accompany him to parties I don’t want to go to, family visits I don’t want to make, and work-related events I have no interest in.
    4. I end up abandoning my goals to work toward “our” goals even though “we” are never permanent.
    5. When it ends, as it always does, even if not until death do us part, there’s the grieving. Always the grieving…

  8. MindyMom says:

    Yeah, I can relate to your list quite a bit, and what LPS wrote really resonated with me too.

    It’s my nature to be giving, caring, generous, accomodating, etc but when it comes my turn to recieve it, it never comes. I go in to a relationship expecting (big mistake there) it to be reciprocal – the effort I put into it to be given back to me. Problem is by the time the guy stops or no longer wants to make an effort I’m in it too deep and not ready to let go so I do sort of glamorize the relationship when it’s over and then I eventually get pissed that to him all that good wasn’t worth the not so good from time-to-time.

    I saw this quote recently and liked it a lot:

    “I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes. I’m out of control and at times hard to handle, but if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” – Marilyn Monroe

    It about sums it up. None of us are perfect and the men who can accept our best but take off when our faults are exposed can go suck it.

  9. Simone Grant says:

    Hmm. I don’t know if my memories are affected by how the relationships ended. I think this goes to something that Lostplum said in her post on the topic. That men rarely stay in bad relationships whereas women do all of the time (not her words, my poor memory or her point). I have stayed in relationships well past the point that I knew they were bad. Why – well, because I did. I’ve discussed some of the reasons in other posts. It’s a pretty typical chick thing to do. And so when/how they eventually end becomes irrelevant. Damage already done.

    And yeah – bad luck

    That’s a fabulous point. That drives me nuts. I hate that evey conversation I have with anyone starts with, so how is …? How are you two doing? Like I have nothing else going on. UGH. Great point!
    -Devon aka Dru
    We all have annoying cycles that we need to break. I can see how that would be an almost logical thing to do:-)
    hmmm. I could never tolerate being deceived, absolutely. I’m not entirely comfortable with the idea that everybody lies, either. Although the fact that I have this blog is a testament to the fact that I can withhold a pretty big truth, which some people would consider a lie. I’m going to have to think about this for a while.
    No need to apologize for the long tirade. And I totally agree with everything you said. I just need to find someone worth trying again with.
    I agree that generalizations are useless, which is why I wanted to write about this(the best way to point out how silly these statements are is to put them to the test). If only we were all that simple, thought? The grieving, yes…
    Thank you SO MUCH for sharing that quote with me. I’m probably going to build a whole post around it at some point. It pretty much describes me perfectly.

  10. Stephen david says:

    Simone- Just stumbled upon your blog. Perhaps I should have read more than this one post & the ‘about me’ before responding to it, but I didn’t. My thoughts…

    1.Compromise means me giving up what I want/need and him getting what he wants/needs. DID HE NEVER COMPROMISE? IF NOT BE HAPPY THE RELATIONSHIP(S) ENDED.

    2.Over the course of the relationship my self-esteem will go down, as I start to doubt myself and my self worth.

    3.I will enthusiastically support his every whim and project and will probably reorganize my life and schedule around him. He might remember to ask me about my work a couple times a month.

    4.He will lie to me.

    5.He will take me for granted.

    When you start a new relationship do you go in to it with a negative attitude? I hope not. I wish you all the best in life.

  11. alfabeta says:

    Your five reasons make me sad. It’s because it looks like you were never happy in your relationships. And why would your self-esteem go down? My self-esteem always goes up when I am in a relationship. Maybe it’s because I am a guy?

    Also, I don’t know what’s wrong about the question “Oh, where is ______?”, because this means that people care and might be worried about your happiness.

    And why do you always bring up “lots of sex”? Is this ALL you are looking for in a relationship? If it is, I don’t understand why it is so difficult to find someone. NY is full of guys only looking for sex. And they will also be nice to you.

  12. iamalejandra says:

    @alfabeta: First and foremost I want to stress that I am talking about the people I know and the people around me. The question bothers me because I am an individual and I am very independent, so for people to think of me as 1/2 of a couple makes me anxious. If I show up to a party and the first thing people do is “worry about my happiness” because I did not show up with my boyfriend then that makes me sad, makes me feel like people around me think I am incomplete without my “other half”.

  13. Simone Grant says:

    -Stephen david
    Welcome to the blog. I’ll skip to your last question because – well – most of the rest are kind of answered elsewhere here. I work hard to go into each relationship with an open heart and an open mind. I’ll admit that it is work, though. Quite frankly, I’d accuse anyone over the age of 35 who says they have NO BAGGAGE and doesn’t have to work at that to being a big fat liar (or really freaking dull).
    Again, this goes back to Lostplum’s point about women staying in bad relationships (I guess I’ll have to write my own post about that soon). I am always happy in the beginning of relationships. But when things start to go poorly and I am not being treated well (and I realize this is something I’ve been complicit in – we teach people how to treat us, if you let someone step on you once you are saying it’s acceptable behavior) and keep the relationship going my self esteem goes down. It’s not a male/female dichotomy. Anyone who stays in a relationship where they are repeatedly treated badly will start to feel they are less worthy of good treatment.

    And yes – sex is very important to me As part of a healthy relationship.

    Oh, and my feelings are very similar to iamalejandra’s on the “other half” thing.

  14. alfabeta says:

    I guess you guys have never been in a real relationship, which is all about unity and totally being with someone. I guess feeling anxious about being considered to be one half of a unity is just a complex. There are many people out there who would love to be the better half of someone.
    You guys just want to be independent. But, this is just not how relationships work.

  15. Simone Grant says:

    It’s awfully close-minded and judgmental of you to assume you know how relationships work. There are lots of different ways that relationships can work. Lots of different kinds of people in the world.

    Many people would say that the healthiest relationships are between two completely independent individuals who share their lives with one another.

    I personally don’t care what someone’s personal view of an ideal relationship is, as long as they respect the views of others. You clearly don’t. UNCOOL.

  16. iamalejandra says:

    @alfabeta: Yeah, UNCOOL. When we comment on a blog we write about our personal life to ADD to the conversation, people try to be respectful and non-judgmental so please don’t behave that way towards others.