Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Sex Is…

Yesterday ran a piece called Few People Agree On the Definition of Sex. They covered an issue that I’ve been meaning to write about for a while, namely that different people mean different things when they say the word .

For some people, sex includes .  For others it doesn’t.  There are actually places in this country where teenage girls opt for with their boyfriends so that they can remain virgins for their future husbands (this is not an old wives tale, I dated a guy who grew up in one of those parts of the country).

Anyway, I’m not going to rehash the whole post. They did a decent job with it.  I just wanted to state for the record that if I say I had sex, there was some good, old-fashioned (well, maybe not old-fashioned) vaginal intercourse involved.  Now you know.


Tags: , , , ,

10 to “Sex Is…”


  1. wwfchic says:

    I have a friend that tries to BS me that it doesn’t count unless it “came to fruition” while he was inside.

    Of course – he’s just trying to say that he’s had fewer partners than me in a year – which is NOT true!

  2. browolf says:

    I don’t think that link is correct :p

  3. TranqJones says:

    I feel no need to define sex. I only need to remind myself of how good it is when intertwined with love.

  4. drumdance says:

    My definition matches yours, though I suppose lesbians may have one that is more, um, flexible.

    Oh, and re: anal sex as a workaround to preserve virginity – I love Dan Savage’s term saddlebacking. Backstory here.

  5. TonyImages says:

    ok I didn’t realize until now when you break it down, that there is such a broad range. To me sex is sex. whether it be greek (anal), oral, missionary (vaginal as you put it), BDSM or a whole slew of other named categories. For me once the kissing and clothes come off “sex” is happening, I don’t care what you want to categorize it as. All the better if body juices are flying everywhere :)

  6. BBboy says:

    You know something, I never thought of it that way. I kind of thought it was a given that “Sex” had many facets and we all just knew it, accepted it and worked it out as we went along. Thanks :) bobbyboy

  7. Jennifer-from-NY says:

    Now, I don’t know how old yall are (except you Simone, hi) but these responses sound like people who lost it a while ago, or were not very concerned about it either way when they did. But within the last half a year I’ve first done the ‘no clothes’ thing to losing virginity to a bit more (ok, I’m waiting for another person I like). And for me it was a big thing and a big question. But the question was ‘to do or not to do.’ I only considered vaginal sex sex. As in, I was on the ‘waiting for marriage’ fence and fingering or oral did not feel like losing it. To me the decision was when we did ‘that.’
    Now, if you are doing other things in an effort to save yourself you are doing something wrong. Because for me that type of intercourse felt like a big step, but only in a line of many. I didn’t do it because well, we’d already done other stiff, but because, well, I loved him.
    I think it should be about relationships and people and doing things because they feel right and not about making wagers and scorecards and trying to trick G-d. But people seem to lose sight of that somehow.
    Although reading the article you quoted–I find oral sex a whole lot more intimate than vaginal. I can’t see how it would be the same as, say, kissing. Also her equating levels of intimacy with how ‘real the sex is’ or something is interesting and should possibly be explored.

  8. queenieNYC says:

    The anal sex thing isn’t limited to certain parts of the country – a liberal fellow Bryn Mawr student I once knew had anal sex with her boyfriend (as opposed to vaginal intercourse), though I think it was more a terror of pregnancy thing than a moral thing. This was when we were about 20.

  9. queenieNYC says:

    @TonyImages: I’m sure this isn’t what you meant, but there are a hell of a lot of ways to have vaginal intercourse that aren’t the missionary position. Just sayin’.

  10. Simone Grant says:

    -wwfchic
    That’s just crazy. Wow, I’ve never heard that one.
    -browolf
    Thanks again darling. I must have been blind with exhaustion when I did that.
    -TranqJones
    I never had you begged as a romantic. Aww how sweet :-)
    -drumdance
    We are in the slim majority according to national studies. Slim.
    -TonyImages
    I’m with queenieNYC on this one, honey, and am going to assume that you didn’t mean to suggest that all vaginal intercourse had to be in missionary position. ’cause, um, NO.
    -BBoy
    Never assume, darling. Especially with sex.
    -Jennifer-from-NY
    I agree that having “other” forms of sex as workarounds is kind of missing the point. And I think oral sex is just as intimate as vaginal intercourse. But for some people being a virgin is just a technicality, I guess.
    -queenieNYC
    Oh, no I’ve heard everything. I thought this was strictly a rural, bible-belt, gotta be a virgin on my wedding night but in my heart I’m really a slut thing. Dear lord.


1 Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Special is a Very Subjective Thing | Sex, Lies & Dating in the City 16 01 10