Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Let Your Fingers Do the Talking?

This seems to be the week that everyone’s writing about texting and dating.  .com has an article that gives an overview of “High-Tech Dating” on their Happen site (it’s pretty wish-wishy, but it’s Match.com).  And has a post called To Text or Not To Text:  Dating Rules for a New World which starts with the line, “Sometimes I feel like texting, instant messaging and email are absolutely no good for dating.” That’s a sentiment I can totally get with.

went to the texting and dating extreme and published 10 Rules for Texting and Dating (strangely there are only 9 rules on the list).  I was excited when I saw the title to this article and assumed that I’d love the post.  There are great bits there, but it’s a bit on the long-winded side for my taste.  I feel like the author saved the best part for last, her #9, “Asking for Dates by Text is a No-No. Texting to set-up a date is bogus! Have the courage to speak up and risk rejection like a big boy or girl.”

I’ve broken this rule many times myself, though only with a guy I’ve already gone out with.  I’ve asked for 3rd or 4th dates via text, a fact that I’m ashamed of.  And I admit that a pretty big percentage of the guys I date have asked me out via text.  At least 40%.  And I hate it and want it to end.   I’m seriously considering telling guys that I don’t/won’t text and date.  That texts are for updates and flirting, sure, but not for real communication or asking me out.

What do you think, am I being silly (in this)?  Is asking for dates via text a no-no?

  • Yes. If someone wants to ask a person out they should pick up the phone. (27 votes)
  • No. Text is a perfectly acceptable way to ask a person out. (12 votes)
  • It depends on the situation. For first dates it’s unacceptable. After that it’s fine. (40 votes)
  • Other (please explain in the comments) (0 votes)

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17 to “Let Your Fingers Do the Talking?”


  1. Jennifer-from-NY says:

    Maybe as an adult texting to ask someone out seems lame: but I’m 20, it’s how we communicate. To me as long as you see the date in person and talk and all there’s no reason the asking has to be over the phone. And I do not email my friends. I emailed one guy cause he had a blackberry and could get it from there. Also I have a lot of friends that really really don’t like talking on the phone. As long as the text is in advance and for a real date (not booty call) I think it’s perfectly acceptable.

  2. drumdance says:

    I’m 40 and have used texting with dates a lot over the last several months. One girl was a long distance relationship so it was for flirting and coordinating when we were traveling to meet each other. More recently I’ve been seeing someone and we’ve used it to schedule dates, but not until after we had been on a couple of dates already.

  3. Dressaholic says:

    I don’t have a problem with it at all, but that perhaps might be a British thing, where we all text rather than call! I agree with Jennifer too, I really don’t care for talking on the phone, I’d rather text to organise something, then have a proper conversation when you meet.
    Plus, in my experience, it’s much easier to organise something over text then on the phone. You just say what you want to do or say if you like their idea, without ummming and ahhhing!

  4. Hammer86 says:

    Texting is super useful for setting up dates. I like to talk to a girl on the phone a couple times before I go out with her to get a sense of her personality and wit, and I’ll ask her out on the phone without thinking twice. But if we can’t get something set up, I find text to be super convenient for logistical planning because it’s in writing and there’s no confusion. Also, sometimes you don’t want to or don’t have time to talk to someone but you want to set up the date for the week, and women get really offended when you call them to talk for like 1 minute just to schedule a date.

    I use texting in a lot of other ways as well, but that’s pretty much how I use it for online dating pre-meetup

  5. starangel82 says:

    I would rather a guy ask me out for the first date by phone, but I’m not going to be offended if he asks me via text. I’m very prone to sending a text at the end of a date (if it was a good date). I think texting has jut become an accepted means of communication. Sometimes I think it is approprate and there are other times you need to pick up the phone.

    Maybe call to ask for the first date and then you can work out details via text?

  6. dating girl says:

    All of my dating is set up online… thru online dating sites, chatting, or what not. Most of the communication before a date is email, text, or IM’s. I don’t think it’s unusual at all to be asked out by a text. As a matter of fact, my date last night asked me out in a text, and just text me again for a date tonight! :)

  7. iamalejandra says:

    I consider myself a texting addict (last month I sent 4000+ messages, NOT counting my BBM messages) but I will not ask someone out on text nor do I think it’s appropriate to be asked out on text. I find it far easier to set up a date over the phone, it’s a quick conversation and it gets done right away. If i send a text I don’t know when the other person will reply, or the text could get “lost”.
    Of course once you’ve been dating for a while I don’t see any problem with scheduling something over text, but that’s not “asking out” anymore.

  8. Momma Sunshine says:

    Personally, I think it’s fine. I mean, I think it’s just a sign of the world we live in, it’s just another form of communication, really. Texting (or emailing) is a lot less invasive than phone calls, in my opinion. I like the idea of not being put “on the spot” – a text or an email gives me time to think about it and consider a response (not just with a date, but with anything, really).

  9. Veka says:

    I text a lot and I have no problem organizing dates via text. Or AIM. Or email. Or facebook private messages. I personally think texting is easier than the latter ones, but still. I am a textaholic. And a lot of times, I am very busy at work or I’m in the middle of something else and texting gives a little more time to respond and you don’t have to worry about multi-tasking while on the phone. I don’t consider it rude at all, but that’s just me. I talk to The Trainer way more via text than I talk to him on the phone, but texting is fun and he is always talking about our “next date” or what have you. No harm in texting for dates, in my opinion.

  10. Simone Grant says:

    OK, first things first-
    Dressaholic, welcome to the blog and thanks for chiming in. Yes, I’d guess this would be different in the UK and many other places.
    And less of an issue for younger people (thanks Jennifer, Veka). I guess it’s just a matter of personal comfort, for whatever reason.

  11. PiscesInPurple says:

    Chiming in late: I’m a huge fan of texting. Maybe that’s related to my phone anxiety. But at the end of the day flirting via text (and email) is one of my favorite things in the universe.

  12. Anonymous says:

    I call, and 100% of the time girls don’t pick up, so I leave a brief message, and then text write after… They also hardly ever call back, but they do answer that text message. So go figure… and yes, I do hear over and over again from girls that they prefer calling then texting… yet the reality is what it is… NYC experience.

  13. American Girl says:

    Oh well, with the rapid modernization nowadays, sure thing dating or finding love can be done with the use of the hand. For me if someone is into online dating or text dating, one should call if you wan to ask a person out because it will prove that you are sincere with your intentions towards others even if you are too shy to ask her or him out.

  14. imhere says:

    I used text a long time with a partner from **biloves**dotcom. But it did not work and we broke at last. Now I seldom use it.

  15. SexontheBeachMag.com says:

    the WORST is when someone ignores you by text….i mean i heard of dropped calls but theres no such thing as bad reception and texts LOL one big delay tactic……technology can really make things sour

  16. Simone Grant says:

    -PiscesInPurple
    It’s never too late to chime in here. Never. I think that’s why I’ve let myself slide into text habits. I hate the phone just as must as I hate the text. But I think texts are worse for relationships.
    -Anonymous
    I can’t speak for anyone else, but I don’t answer calls from numbers I don’t recognize. Which is silly, I know. But there are all kinds of strange people out there. I do return calls though, so…

  17. lakewaytexas says:

    Just reading about Match.com made me think about my daughter and her fiance. They met on Match.com a few months ago and are getting married in 21 days.

    His brother and his wife also met on Match.com and have been happily married for a few years. He convinced his brother to join Match.com, and he was only on it for a couple of weeks before he started dating my daughter! And the rest is history…

    http://www.exploreonlinedating.com/matchcom.htm