Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Points for Love

Last week I mentioned the beer and wings get together we had with guys from the .  Well, at some point during the night I found myself talking about (go figure).  I’m not sure how it got started, but the premise was basically that a person could have amazing with someone they didn’t care about (something I strongly believe).

Well, one of the guys actually took the opposing opinion.  OK, maybe not so much the opposing opinion, but a different perspective.  He was of the, but sex is so much better when you care about someone school. To which I replied, “not always”.

I’ve written frequently about my personal experience with this.  I was dating a that I completely adored.  Completely.  Adored. But we weren’t sexually compatible.  At all.  We’re talking train wreck.  And this wasn’t one-sided.  He was as frustrated as I was.  After a few months we had to split up because we are both very sexual people and we both realized that things could never work between us.  Now he’s a good friend.

There is another side to this, for me. Thinking back on my last serious relationship, I can remember what it was like after we’d had sex the first few couple of times and I had a general sense of how things were going to be between us.  At this point I was already crazy about him.  Probably too crazy.  And I distinctly remember thinking, ‘the sex is ok, and that if that was the sex I was going to be having for the rest of my life then I’d be fine with it’.

Note – I didn’t say great.  It was ok.  But because I was so crazy about him (read – falling in with him) it was as good as good enough.  Not great.  can add points, but it can’t make ok sex great.  Not in my book, anyway.

I guess what I’m saying is that if I love a guy then, yes, the sex is so much better than it would be otherwise.  If I didn’t love him.  But love can only add points.  It can’t make good.  And it can’t make ok sex great.   Sex is sex and love is love and one enhances the other and vice versa.  But that’s about it.


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7 to “Points for Love”


  1. OpinionatedGift says:

    Sometimes its the lack of love that makes it great. Twisted, I know, but sometimes there’s a freedom when there isn’t an emotional investment that sometimes comes with certain fears that then bring out inhibitions.

    In the end the need for sex is primal in a different way than the need for love is. Both are biological imperatives in a away, but love is about survival of the individual whereas sex is about the survival of the species. So it stands to reason, to me at least, that sexual chemistry and compatibility can be delicious without there being love in the mix. And vice versa.

    That’s part of why I have the view I have about open relationships.

  2. aGirlNamedMe says:

    Seems like…with practice…sex with someone you’re totally into, even if the sex started out mediocre, can turn into fantastic sex. But…after a few months of practice, I’d probably throw in the towel, too.

    I’ve never had amazing sex with someone that I’m not into. I’ve had ok sex. Scratch-an-itch sex. But to get to that OH.MY.GOD. sex? It takes awhile and a certain comfort level to be able say, “Hey..why don’t we . . . ”

    For me, anyway.

  3. Simone Grant says:

    -OpinionatedGift
    I’ve heard that many times before, that the lack of love can make sex great. More primal. I don’t have an opinion about that. I know that the best sex I’ve ever had has been with men with whom I’ve had little emotional connection, but I don’t attribute that to the lack of emotional connection. I don’t see the cause and effect. Not arguing that one doesn’t exist, just doubting it’s existence for me.
    -aGirlNamedMe
    There’s no amount of “practice” that can make a person change their basic sexual turn-ons and offs. We all have our own kinks and preferences. The things that turned him on, turned me off and vice versa. You can’t practice out of that, nor should two people try IMO.

    I think different people are very different when it comes to sex (sound simplistic, but it’s not). For you it takes a while and a certain comfort level to be able to say, “why don’t we…” but that’s something that I can say pretty much right away. And, I’m pretty sure that there are people who have a much harder time saying that to the people they care about.

  4. Veka says:

    I really like how you said that “Sex is sex and love is love and one enhances the other and vice versa.” I never really thought about it that way, but it’s so true. I also think that the percentage of the mixture between the two (sex and love) measures out differently in every situation.

  5. Simone Grant says:

    -Veka
    I’d agree with you about those percentages :-)

  6. dikke kus says:

    I’m a bit late on the post, but for whatever reasons, the best sex I ever had I didn’t know the person very well. He was younger, extremely attractive, and tall, and perhaps experienced in the physical sense. Everything he did as far as sex went, perfect. However outside of the bedroom I became irritated with his behavior and realized nothing much was going to become of the “relationship.” That’s because the only place I like to be told what to do is in bed. I know it. I tend to think sex and love can be divided. Sex is like animal instinct. Love is more cerebral. You can have one without the other, or both at the same time. Of course having the two together is the icing on the cake so to speak.

  7. Simone Grant says:

    dikke kus
    You and I have very similar thoughts on this subject. Wouldn’t it be WONDERFUL to find a cake with lots and lots of great icing?