Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

A Wink? Is That the Best You Can Do?

I’m not a big fan of .

For those of you who don’t speak , members of any given site can wink at one another.  A wink is a low commitment way of telling someone you’re interested.  They’re always free (some sites charge per message) and require very little effort.  All you need to do is click a little button, as opposed to sending a message which requires a person to think about what they want to say and then write a coherent message.

I’m not violently opposed to winks and I will respond to them if someone’s profile seems interesting.  But I think they’re lazy and, in general, make a poor first impression.

Anyway, I was just catching up with my online dating accounts and noticed a wink from a person who looked vaguely familiar.  So I clicked on the profile and started to read through it.

He looked familiar because we’d already gone out.  Twice.  It was the Tall man from November.  And after the second date (which was mindnumbingly dull) I told him I wasn’t interested.  So now, 7 months later, he’s winking at me?

There are a couple of possible explanations for this.  1) He’s forgotten all about those dates in November (that’s soooo pathetic).  2) He remembers those dates fondly and would like to try for a third.

Assuming it’s the latter of these two possibilities, why would he choose to wink at me?  What would possess him?  He could’ve taken two minutes to write a short email saying he’d like to go out again and see if maybe this time we have a bit more . Who knows, given my current track record, I might’ve said yes.  But no, he winked.


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22 to “A Wink? Is That the Best You Can Do?”


  1. wwfchic says:

    i hate hate hate winks – suck it up and send me an email or don’t bother!

  2. browolf says:

    women can be just as bad in some places……but worse, sometimes I send a message back and I never hear back. that’s like wtf!

  3. drumdance says:

    Ditto. I’ve been told I’m a good/interesting writer by a lot of people, but my response rate for emailing is probably 40%. With that kind of return it’s tempting to just wink – after all, you can read my profile as well as an email, and I spent a lot more time crafting that – but I know a lot of women hate it and so haven’t done that in a long time.

  4. LPS says:

    He just wanted attention. You guessed right – he’s too lazy to send a message, wasn’t sure how you would respond to it … so he winked! Thinking there was a chance you might wink back, or even better, write back salivating all over him.

  5. Jennifer-from-NY says:

    Um, people have a lot of reasons for not rsponding. Just because you send an interesting or well written message or reponse doesn’t mean there won’t be something about what you wrote that they don’t like.
    Ans a wink basically says ‘I will never put in any effort whatsoever’ to me. Which is just what I like to hear from a guy XD

  6. starangel82 says:

    I hate winks. I’d much rather someone send me an email. Of course, I also like for the email to be more than, “Hey. Let’s talk.” Am I being too picky in that?

  7. drumdance says:

    Jennifer-from-NY, I get that there are many reasons they may not respond, but that doesn’t make it any more fun to “make any effort whatsoever” and write the email in the first place. Even an uninterested woman will respond politely if you walk up to her in a bar and say hi.

  8. drumdance says:

    Oh – and there are women who respond to say they’re not interested. Kudos to them. I like that.

  9. sparklytosingle says:

    Under normal circumstances, I don’t mind winks. Don’t love ‘em but I don’t feel strongly about them. I understand why a lot of guys will try the wink route first to test the waters if sending an email through the same service has a cost attached to it – they want to see if you’ll return the wink and show some mutual interest before they invest any credits or $$ in sending an email. IPeople respond to messages so infrequently that I don’t blame them.

    HOWEVER. For a guy you’ve already been out with to wink at you? That is not a good strategy.

  10. drumdance says:

    I’m curious how many of the women here who hate winks have actually sent messages themselves? In my experience (that is, women I’ve talked to about this) most don’t initiate contact at all – they just wait for the guys to contact them.

  11. Simone Grant says:

    -wwfchic
    Like I said, I don’t love them. But I will reply if I like the profile.
    -browolf
    I reply to most messages with a quick reply. Most. I don’t bother if the guy just writes, “ur hot. call me” and then leaves his number, or sends a form message. But I know guys who say they hate the rejection notes. That they’d rather just not get a reply. I think it’s a matter of personal taste.
    -drumdance
    I initiate contact with men all the time. One of my dates on Saturday was with a guy I initiated contact with. And some of the men I contact don’t reply. I don’t take it personally. It’s just online dating.
    -LPS
    How silly. I guess maybe he thought I could be more desperate now than I was when we went out – more likely to like him.
    -Jennifer-from-NY
    I agree, the winks do send a ‘lack of effort’ message. I guess I reply because I know that some men are so afraid of rejection that they wink as a baby step.
    -starangel82
    You’re not being too picky. You’re using online dating as a tool to screen for men who will make an effort. I think that’s a good thing.
    -sparklytosingle
    Yeah, not a good strategy at all. Kind of sad.

  12. sparklytosingle says:

    drumdance – I send emails all the time too. I think it’s stupid to sit around and wait to see what guys might find me interesting… often they are not at all the type of guy I’m looking for. I’d rather take some control of that and approach the types of guys I’d like to meet, so I initiate messages. I’m too impatient not to! Then again, I don’t hate winks. So maybe your question wasn’t meant for me.

  13. sparklytosingle says:

    starangel82 – Those emails where guys write something to the effect of “hey ur hot. How r u?” make me STABBY! And they get a quick delete without any response, whereas if someone puts an actual effort into an email and I am not interested, I will write back to tell them I don’t think we’re a good match so they’re not left hanging. I hate those no-effort emails FAR more than I hate winks.

  14. Veka says:

    ^ I hate those emails too! When I had my profile active, I actually put a * at the bottom and said, “*Please do not message me if all you have to say is ‘whats up’ or ‘you’re hot’ ” lol

  15. Chaoticchitchat says:

    I agree winks are lazy and I usually assume that they are those people that do not actually pay for the site but instead just browse profiles and wink. As far as this guy goes he probably remembers you but thinks you won’t remember him ;)

  16. Anonymous says:

    I found your post interesting. Online dating can sure help in dating single professionals

  17. Hammer86 says:

    My guess is that it’s either a, “Hey, she’s been single for 10 months now, maybe she’s lowered her standards” or a “hey, she’s been single for 10 months now, maybe she’s horny.” It’s also very possible that he either didn’t recognize you or wasn’t looking at profiles very carefully as he clicked through and winked.

    You have to understand that the action is soooo low investment and takes such little effort that if it works in reinitiating contact leading to sex 1/100 times, it’s worth doing. I do something similar with dead numbers in my phone. Every couple of weeks I’ll mass text all the dead numbers something semi interesting and see which hook. For example, just last Saturday I mass texted “You need to check out the Extraordinary Mammals exhibit at the Museum of Natural History. It’s fascinating.” Most of the girls didn’t respond, but a few did, and I ended up hanging out with one of them that night, so it was worth the extra 10 seconds it took me to add them to my recipients list. I’m not worried about how I come off to dead numbers, because they’re dead anyway. Likewise, the Tall Man probably doesn’t care about how he comes off to you either.

  18. Simone Grant says:

    -sparklytosingle
    I love that, “STABBY”. I’ll have to add, “It makes me STABBY” to my vocabulary.
    -Chaoticchitchat
    Anything is possible. And pathetic.
    -Hammer86
    I find that fascinating and disturbing. It’s like spamming for dates. It IS spamming for dates.

  19. Anonymous says:

    I’m about numbers when it comes to trying to meet new people. I can’t send out 15+ individual e-mails all the time so it’s just easier for me to send out winks and see whether the guys reciprocate interest. From there I’m willing to invest some time in e-mail communication. I spent ample time on my profile, so hopefully the guys won’t get the impression that I’m lazy. If they do it’s their loss.

  20. Simone Grant says:

    Anonymous
    There are certainly lots of people who agree with you. I can’t imagine finding 15 guys at a time who I think look interesting enough for me to want to meet them, but then, I have pretty high standards.

  21. SSOLID says:

    Yeah, I’d much rather spend ten minutes writing individualized emails to people…..15 emails is 150 minutes which is 2.5 hours of my life.

    I have a lot better things to do then spend two hours writing emails and getting no responses. NO…. you show interested, then I’ll send you a custom email…

    Why do guys send winks… seriously are you people retarded? I’d never get dates or laid just sending custom emails.

  22. SSOLID says:

    >So now, 7 months later, he’s winking at me?

    No lady. He doesn’t care. DO YOU SERIOUSLY BELIEVE I HAVE TIME TO REMEMBER ALL THE PEOPLE I WINKED AT??? It was probably an accidental wink…. thats the other thing.

    Nothing matters but eliminating the women that dont like you and finding the ones that do, and if that means accidentally winking at someone youve winked at before, who cares, who cares if I send you a message twice…. I can’t worry about this because I am only concerned with finding women that like ME and I could give two shits about the ones that don’t or irritating them with multiple winks and emails. It’s not worth my time to keep track of for people like you who read way too deeply into things.