Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Are Men Regressing? Redux

I caught a lot of flack for the post Are Men Regressing? (Ah hell, I’ve just been catching a lot of flack lately.  I’m not giving advice people, just telling you about MY life.  I’m not suggesting you live by my rules.  What, exactly, is so irksome about that?).  Anyway, after a while I decided to respond to the comments with a separate post.

Let’s assume you’re in a position of authority at work. A manager, owner, whatever. And you meet a consultant and/or sales person at an event and this person seems good at their work/has a good reputation and so you give him/her your card thinking that in the future you might throw some work his way.  And then on Friday he sends an email saying how nice it was to meet and he wants to talk business.  And then follows it up a little while later with a call.  He seems persistent and competent and so you discuss a project and he says he’ll have a formal bid for you early next week.

And then he calls on Tuesday at the end of the day and says, “Hey, it was nice meeting you.  I’d really like to do business with you.  I’d love to talk about doing some work for you in the future.”  Same pitch.  No bid.

I don’t know anyone who would do business with that consultant.  No one.  Even if they had a great reputation and/or had a great pitch.  And if someone did I’d call that person a fool.

I date the way I do business.  Always.  I consider every date (pre-relationship phase) a mutual job interview.  We are both interviewing for the position of the other person’s mate/significant other. I might screw it up.  He might screw it up.  Shit happens.  In this case, last week, that guy SCREWED IT UP.  He didn’t follow through.  And for all of you who think that stuff like that doesn’t matter.  OK.  It doesn’t matter.  To you.  It matters a hell of a lot to me.  More than looks.  More than a guy’s net worth or where he lives, or who his friends are (shit that I don’t care about at all) or his favorite band.  Follow through means an ability to plan and think ahead and keep commitments.  It matters. To me.  End of story.

As to the guy who locked himself out of his apartment, Mr. Awesome first date, we’re seeing each other in a few hours (damn I gotta get my butt in gear).  He contacted me the next day with a really great idea for this afternoon.  Sweet and planned in advance.

I wasn’t mad at him for calling that night.  I just find passive-aggressive behavior to be immature and repulsive.  And I do not encourage repulsive behavior.  As I said recently in a comment to a reader, one of the few quotes I like to throw around is that ‘we teach people how to treat us’ (does anyone know who said that originally? – it’s a google mess).

If he had called and said, “Hey, I have a crazy idea.  I know it’s last minute and you’re probably busy but I just got locked out of my apt so why don’t we use this as an opportunity to get together?” I would have said yes.  But he didn’t.  He said.  “I’m locked out.  Oh you’re busy. Ok.”  And then waited 15 minutes to inform me that he was still locked out.  The first strategy is positive and take-charge.  The second is passive-aggressive and childish.  Nope.

Again, I wasn’t mad.  Just showing him how I wish to be treated.  Now if that makes me a picky bitch then so be it.


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11 to “Are Men Regressing? Redux”


  1. SpikeTheLobster says:

    So you’re a picky bitch. The person who said that (yeah, I saw the inane comment) is either going to end up with a really awful choice of partner, or very divorced (probably multiple times). They probably read askmen.com, too. Isn’t choosing the person you spend time with – potentially YEARS – slightly more of an important decision than, say, buying a car or choosing wallpaper colours? I’d say so.

    I’d say that “picky” would be someone who gave out questionnaires, not someone who just has form standards, like you.

  2. SpikeTheLobster says:

    Damn, typo. “firm standards”. Sorry.

  3. Anonymous says:

    Re: passive- aggressive – I get that he’s passive, but where’s the aggressive?

  4. Jennifer-from-NY says:

    “passive- aggressive” is a term meaning basically that you talk around what you mean to try and manipulate the other person instead of being straight forward and saying what you mean/want. He was being passive by not saying what he meant and aggressive by trying to manipulate Simone. It’s subtle.
    I try sooo hard not to do this but I do occasionally.

    Also I missed your blog when I was on vacation last week!

  5. Nandoism says:

    After spending several days in your company….I can stand on MY soapbox and say, “Sister-girl, U ROCK and your dating life is just that…YOURS!” I love how we give insight on our dating life and we all do it for various reasons…and think you and I do it to allow others to learn from our mistakes and not in a preachy…do as I do…but as in a “oops, I did it again” so be ware!

    When we reach an age of awareness, whatever that AGE is for people (because it varies) we have a clear idea of how we want to be treated and what we DESERVE. If that person doesn’t match that or go above and beyond that….we say NEXT! But we also bring a lot to the table.

    Simone, keep ROCKING girl and good luck on the dates!

  6. Anonymous says:

    that’s fair enough, but there is a difference between calling out two guys for their slightly lame behavior and writing a post titled “are guys regressing” that goes after an entire gender…. the latter reminds me of this girl I saw running in the park today with a shirt that said, “boys suck.” it comes across as bitter, even if you aren’t.

  7. Simone Grant says:

    -Spike
    Of course, you’re right. I think that EVERYONE has the right to be as picky as they want to be. Even if it’s over inane things (wanting someone who is a certain height or weight). I’d like to think that the things that matter to me are pretty meaningful and will be good indicators as to whether a man is a suitable partner. But it does get on my nerves to have so many people question my judgment (day after day).
    -Jennifer
    Thank you darling. And I hope you had a great vacation.
    -Anonymous
    I’m not particularly worried if people think I come across as bitter. I know that I’m not. And I think a “boys suck” t-shirt is hysterical. I want one.

  8. aguy says:

    Really? I honestly thought the girl wearing it was probably a man-hating lesbian … would you talk to a guy who was wearing a “girls blow” t-shirt?

  9. LPS says:

    Hahaha! Brilliant post, Simone! I think you handled dude numero duo beautifully! Have fun on your date. I’m glad he made an effort to think of something thoughtful & sweet.

    Speaking of the “Boys Suck” t-shirt, I want one too! Hahaha! If I saw a guy wearing a “Girls Blow” t-shirt I’d honestly laugh! Sorry “aguy”. But you have to keep your sense of humour about these things. I think I might have a sparkly one made: “Boys Suck” written across the front, and if I was feeling super-daring, “This Girl Blows” on the back… and wear it to a party (not out in the street). You can’t not laugh at that!

  10. Simone Grant says:

    -LPS
    Thanks so much and if I haven’t said this before, welcome to the blog. I’m glad I’m not the only one here who can find humor in a ‘boys suck’ shirt. And why not ‘girls blow’? It’s astonishing to me that people take this stuff seriously.

  11. aguy says:

    I’m astonished myself that I have to explain why a grown man might be offended by being called a boy. (Especially someone of mixed race, such as myself, being called a “boy” by a white woman). Simone, LPS, are you really not aware of the ugly, racist history of that term? Honestly it reminds me of a scene from “They call me MISTER Tibbs” with Sidney Poitier.

    Honestly, I don’t think I’m being hypersensitive in the least here. Calling someone a “boy” is a means of asserting your superiority over them, as Amanda Marcotte has said. The word “girl” doesn’t have the same ugly history, but I certainly understand why some women would object to being called a girl.