Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Ready

I was sitting down to write today’s post, had my topic all thought out, when something caught my eye on my tweetdeck.  The Frisky tweeted about a new post, The Worst Breakup Lines Ever. And since I was still finishing my coffee, I figured why not?  I’d take a few minutes to read it.  I figured it would be good for a laugh.

Ouch.

There it was, as number 1, the line that wreaked so much havoc on my life, “You’re amazing, but I’m just not ready to be in a relationship right now.”

Of course, those weren’t the exact words he used.  It was more of an incoherent, “I’m sorry, I guess I’m just not ready”.  Oh gosh.  My eyes are tearing up as I’m remembering this.  That’s how bad that conversation was.  It’s been 18 months and I am 100% over him (really, really over) and yet just the thought of it makes me cry.

Wow.

Recently, I’ve talked with friends about the fact that there seem to be different types of women.  Or rather, different stereotypical ways that women react to men in .  Invariably, in most , there comes a time when a guy will start to push the woman away.  Acting cold and distant.  Sometimes even cruel.  I get that this is usually just a fear of commitment thing.  Some women with react by lashing out at him and getting mad/bitchy.  Others will ignore it and ride it out (this is obviously the reaction most men prefer).

Not me.  I throw down a gauntlet.  I’ll ignore it for a short time, but if it continues for a while I just say that it’s unacceptable.  That he’s making me unhappy and I won’t put up with it and so if he doesn’t get his shit together the relationship will end.

You can imagine how successful that tends to be.  In the case of my last relationship, there were lots of promises of change, but no actual change.  If fact, things got worse from the day I first pointed out what a jerk he was being to me (a fact he never argued with, he completely agreed that he was treating me poorly).  And so finally, I said that things couldn’t continue the way they were.  That he had to decide. Make more of an effort or we needed to get on with our lives. I have a very low tolerance for unhappiness and don’t keep people who make me unhappy in my life.  It really is that simple.

And his reply was that he wanted me, but that he wasn’t ready (and for the record, I knew that that was the answer, I just needed him to say it so that I could move on).  This was then followed by more than a year of him dropping into my life periodically to say that he was sure we’d be in each other’s lives “some day”, which is a level of dysfunction I can’t deal with.  I don’t do “some day”.  When I want something, I work hard for it.  Whatever it takes.

Anyway, rambling.

Of course, the article in pokes some fun at the line.  Many guys who use it move on rather quickly, rushing into new relationships.  And no matter what line a guy uses, it’s true that we women spend way too much time trying to figure out what it means.

I don’t know much about relationships, but I do know something about the end of relationships. And I know that when one person says it’s over, for any reason, it’s because they don’t want to be in that relationship anymore.  And the smart thing to do is to accept it and move on (yeah, I’m still working out the kinks on that myself).


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11 to “Ready”


  1. damiella says:

    It can be really tough to find the strength to get out of an unhealthy situation like that, where emotional bonds are formed, but the relationship doesn’t find healthy ground. Good for you for standing up for yourself and what you want.

    I have to point out that there is a bit of contradiction in your post. You say in the beginning that you are “100% over him (really really over)” but at the end say you’re still working out the kinks to accept the situation and move on. I don’t know you personally, but from what I read here, it doesn’t strike me that you are 100% over it (otherwise you wouldn’t start crying remembering the break-up, which shows you still have strong emotions tied to him). And that’s okay. It’s just important to recognize that there might be some hurt left there. Even if you are maybe 1% not over it. You can rationalize what the “smart” thing to do is, but you can’t make yourself feel or stop feeling something (that’s something I have to tell myself a lot).

  2. OpinionatedGift says:

    Sometimes the toughest thing to do is walk away. My ex wife and I took years to really break up. Even after making the divorce official. Ages ago now, and I look back wondering what the hell I was thinking taking so long to let go.

    It pretty much took me getting hit in the head to realize just how unhealthy I/we were being.

  3. browolf says:

    worse than the worst breakup line ever, is no breakup line at all…

  4. Simone Grant says:

    -damiella
    You are right and I was aware of the contradiction when I wrote it. I am over him (I don’t have any good feelings for him left and don’t ever want him in my life) but there is still some lingering hurt. Not a lot, just a little. But trying to write about it today made it come to the surface. I’m comfortable with the fact that it’s still there and don’t try to ignore it. Fact is, that pain is a reminder of what NOT to do again.
    -OpinionatedGift
    It’s amazing how smart people can be so very stupid when it come to love and relationships. I’m surprised by it anew, each and every day.

  5. Simone Grant says:

    -browolf
    Ugh. Are you talking about when people just disappear. I have never experienced that with anyone who I went out with more thatn 2 or 3 times, but I can imagine that hurts like hell. People suck.

  6. PiscesInPurple says:

    I am really bad at ending relationships. I’ve been known to drag it out for years. Yeah, years. And I know how awful that is, but that’s what I do. Maybe it’s a serial monogamy thing. Or maybe I’m just a wuss.

  7. Simone Grant says:

    -PiscesInPurple
    I think most people are bad at ending relationships. I don’t think you’re a wuss. Personally, I feel that I’ve frequently been too quick to call it quits (not that I want any of the guys back – just saying that my track record shows a willingness to walk away a little too readily). Let’s face it, however it happens, it just sucks.

  8. Anonymous says:

    I was recently broken up with via the silent treatment. Yeah, a week and a half and no contact from him. Two months down the drain with someone who while appearing to be an adult, is in fact in junior high. So its not a line per say, but it was a pretty painful experience for a bit. I would take a bad line over silence.

  9. Simone Grant says:

    -Anonymous
    I’m so sorry you were treated that way. I can’t imagine how I’d react if a guy did that. Oh, who am I kidding? I know exactly how I’d react. POORLY. I’d go nuts and probably send him the nastiest email ever written and then collect everything he’s ever left at my apt (toothbrush, book, shirt – whatever) and mail it to him with an even bitchier note. People really suck.

  10. Anonymous says:

    There’s a lot of resonance in this post for me. I got dumped using the “you’re amazing, but I’m not ready to be in a relationship right now” line earlier this year (and then asked me to “wait around” for her without dating anyone else for a few months), but not a week before that happened, the girl in question and I had our first argument – which happened to be about how much I was/was not over my ex wife.

    I was with my ex for ten years, and we were married for the better part of four of those years. After dealing with increasingly erratic behavior and downright cruelty, I finally left and had a blessedly drama-free divorce. But in the aftermath of the divorce, she keeps trying to reestablish contact with me.

    If I’m going to be 100% honest with myself, I don’t know that I’m completely over her or that I’ll ever be 100% over her. Not because I miss her or still love her, but because it was a traumatic and tumultuous relationship that lasted for a full third of my life. But I think that there is a difference between being over something and being ready to move on, and you can’t ever hope to have the former until you have the latter.

  11. Simone Grant says:

    -Anonymous
    Yes, I agree with you. There is a difference between being over something and ready to move on. Most people don’t get that.