I’ve never really talked about this here, or maybe I have but it’s been in dribs and drabs. I guess I’ve been talking around it.
I have a really bad history with a certain type of man. Actually, ‘really bad’ might be an understatement.
And I guess one of the reasons that I’ve avoided the topic is that I have a few exes who know about this blog (I went through this weird phase where I wanted a clean slate and thought that the way to cleanse my dating karma was to be on good/better terms with as many men from my past as possible). One of them even used to comment occasionally, back before I made him completely Dead to Me. I thought it was in poor taste to talk about this in too much detail, or something.
But the truth is that it affects my life and the decisions I’m making now and so here goes. Guys (exes – you know who you are) if any of you are reading this, please don’t have a full scale freak out. Please.
If you were to turn back time and catch me with any of the men I dated up until the last year or so (with one or two really obvious exceptions where I was intentionally dating against type) you’d find me dating a guy who was controlling, insensitive, selfish, aggressive, arrogant and a total bully. He’d also be handsome, successful, intelligent, funny blah blah blah. The point is that I was a total magnet for the bullies.
Which, I’m guessing for some of you might be hard to imagine as I don’t exactly come off as a doormat. And I’m not a doormat. But somehow, and I’m not going to get into the how (and please let’s not turn my comments into a discussion of why women find alpha men so attractive), I found myself in a series of relationships with men who really did believe that the world revolved around them. These traits go beyond the typical alpha male stuff, btw. These guys had extra special levels of self-involvement.
And they were well rewarded for it. They clustered in the kinds of professions that required bullying and self-involvement and a complete disregard for other human beings. Arrogance was, for all of them, a job requirement.
Anyway, I know this. I know that I am, for whatever reason, susceptible to the charms of these men (and they can be very charming). That I don’t realize how much harm they will do to me and my life until it is too late. And so as a smart woman it makes sense to not go out with any more of them. To avoid the type like the plague.
Which brings me to yesterday. It was a miserable day and I wasn’t feeling well. I had a date scheduled for last night, which was actually a reschedule from Friday night (long story). At some point during the day it hit me – OMG – he was totally one of those guys. I started to think about everything I knew about him (job, background) and it was like a lightening bolt hit me from out of the blue. He was the type. And I had a date with him.
I wasn’t going to cancel the date because he was the type of guy I try to avoid. It was my fault for not realizing that earlier (I can be pretty stupid sometimes).
So here’s what happened. I went to the date. But I didn’t dress up as much as I normally would. I wore jeans and cute top, but it wasn’t really a date outfit. When I got there I found out that the bar we were meeting at (pretty far from where I live) was right downstairs from his apartment. Yeah, that was considerate of him.
I ordered a non-alcoholic beverage and, I’ll admit, I was pretty defensive. I went into the date thinking that he was probably someone I couldn’t trust and so he’d have to prove otherwise. There was no doubt he could read my vibes because the whole thing felt more like a job interview than a date. Pretty icky and stressful. Neither of us had much fun, but he insisted on doing the whole, let me walk you to the subway, I had fun, let’s do this again thing. And quite frankly, it was easier to just nod and go along with it. I don’t actually expect to hear from him. And if I do, I promise to say no.
Tags: bad date, Dead to Me, exes, first date, lust