Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

My New List

So yesterday I wrote about how I thought it was important, for me, to know what I’m looking for in a guy and in a relationship and to stay focused on those things.   That otherwise it might be like grocery shopping without a list.  I’d get home and find I’ve bought lots of treats and sweets, but nothing that I really needed (bread, butter, veggies).

Jamyb, one of my readers, commented, “What about a new list?”

I gave that some thought and realized that I do constantly revise my Must Have in a Man and a Relationship list.  And that what it looks like now might be completely different than what it looked like this time last year.  Or the year before.  I’m guessing that if I’m still single this time next year (entirely possible and so what if I am?) that the list will be different then too.

Anyway, here’s what it looks like now.  I’d be interested to hear how completely different it is from your lists.

The 7 Things I Must Have in a Man and a Relationship

  1. He must be as respectful of my work as I am of his.  I’ve spent too many years dating really successful men who assumed I’d schedule my life around their demanding schedules (and I did).  It’s finally occured to me that that’s not OK.
  2. He must be able to get along with my family. I don’t spent oodles of time with my family, but they live close by and I see my dad at least once a month (I lost my mom late last year).  I can’t have a man in my life who won’t get along with him and with the extended band of nutjobs (and they are nutjobs).
  3. If we are going to embark on a serious LTR then he’s gotta be open to talking about us having an open relationship. I am not convinced that monogamy works for everyone.  I’d rather have an open relationship than deal with issues of infidelity/sneaking around.
  4. We need to be able to sit down together and have an open and honest conversation about my health stuff and what that might mean for our relationship, over the long term. I’ve never actually done that with a guy.  I’ve been too afraid.
  5. He needs to be interested in living in New York, for the long-haul, for at least part of the year.  A pretty big percentage of the people who live here have it is their heads to move someday.  I don’t.  If I was financially able I’d probably have a summer cottage someplace (Scotland or Maine – not the Hamptons).  And heck, if I had lots of money I’d probably have a place to go during the winter months, too (somewhere in Central America, I’m thinking).  But New York is my home.  I can’t commit myself to someone who wants to leave.
  6. He should be smart, funny, hot (in the eye of the beholder), fun to be with, love whatever it is he’s chosen to do with his life and an unreformed hedonist.
  7. . Non-negotiable.

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15 to “My New List”


  1. wwfchic says:

    You know your “bottom lines” – love it. I need to make a list…sounds like my next post!

  2. drumdance says:

    Re: open relationship. I tried that with a girl a while back. It was her idea. Then I went on a date and she flipped out. Really curious how it will work out with you.

  3. TonyImages says:

    RE: have an open relationship/ ya I’m kinda interested in your thoughts on that as well. I mean the occasional extra fun of a threesome, swapping (keeping sexual fires stoked) is not a big deal, done right can be fun, been there its great. But sending my gal off for a night of dinner, dancing and sex isn’t my idea of fun (for me at least)

  4. TonyImages says:

    …oh and btw, the rest of your list seems great!

  5. MissMollyMoo says:

    Damn, I really need to make a list
    You are a rather intriguing individual Simone.

  6. Anonymous says:

    Loyalty & Keeping Your Word
    Great Sex
    Intelligence & Humor
    Monogamy
    Mutual Respect

  7. marieidat says:

    What’s your history of open relationships? I haven’t heard many success stories in the past. But then, Simone, you do seem a quirky girl.
    Maybe the topic of a blog post sometime soon?

  8. Simone Grant says:

    -wwfchic
    Well, I know my bottom line for today. And I know that it could change at any time :-)
    -drumdance & Tonyimages
    It’s worked out quite well in the past, actually. I’m not the jealous sort. I just need for me and my partner to be clear about what the ground rules are from the beginning. But, of course, not all men are capable of this. They want to be able to play, but can’t handle knowing the woman in their life is doing the same.
    -MissMollyMoo
    Thanks darling. Intriguing is so much nicer than most of the other things I get called.
    -Anonymous
    I think that’s a great list. I’m just not sure how realistic it is for most people.
    -marieidat
    Welcome to the blog (I think this is your first comment – yes?). I have had a couple and it’s worked well for me. And I know a couple that’s been in a happy open relationship for over a decade. Hmm, maybe I will write about it.

  9. Quirkyeconomist says:

    My list is constantly changing, and each relationship affects the priority I assign to different things but the one thing I’ve made #1, no matter what, is that he must think I’m fabulous and not be too scared/macho/immature to let me know he thinks so. What’s sad is how long it took me to realize that should be #1!

  10. alfabeta says:

    Your list is great! You definitely know what you want. Not many women I know do. They only know what they don’t want. It’s not the same

  11. wwfchic says:

    you got me to write mine out – http://datingschmating.blogspot.com – thanks!

  12. Simone Grant says:

    -Quirkyeconomist
    Welcome to the blog. It took me a really long time to realize my #1 thing too. Too many years of putting my partner’s life/career first before it hit me – I’m just as important as he is.
    -alfabeta
    It’s funny you should say that. YEARS AGO (I’m guessing about 7 or 8 yrs) a friend of mine asked me what I wanted in a guy. My reply, “Honey, if I knew what I wanted I’d probably have it by now.”

  13. KB_in_NYC says:

    Love your list Miss. S!

    Setting an intention is so important. We do it in other areas of our lives, so why not when it comes to love? I know someone who wrote a list of everything that she wanted in a man/ relationship and then set a date by which she would meet this person.

    And she did meet him. They are now married. Like I said, intention is everything.

  14. Simone Grant says:

    -KB_in_NYC
    Wow, that’s pretty intense. I’m not ready to set a timeline. I’m too type A. I’d drive myself nuts trying to make the deadline. But I am going to focus on what I want. Speaking of which, I gotta write today’s post.

  15. jamyb says:

    What a great list. All of these things seem real and substantial–rather than superficial. You’ve already gone here in the next post, but none of these are dependent on age. Not that I’m saying you have to date younger guys, but plenty of 30-somethings could meet your needs.