Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Sex Math or Why I Haven’t Gotten Laid in Weeks

I hate to break this to you guys, but only about half of you are any good in .  Alright.  Screw the euphemisms.  Only about half of you are decent lays.

This isn’t just my opinion, btw. I’ve checked this with several other sexually experienced women I know and that seems to be the general consensus.  Actually, that’s probably a generous number.  A couple of women put it at much lower than that.  But let’s say half, just to be nice.

Then factor in issues of attraction/chemistry and things like personal preferences for body types and kinks/fetishes (everyone’s a little bit in their own way) and what different people find sexy or erotic and the percentage of guys who might really do it for me gets winnowed down to a measly 5%.  If that.

Now, I’m just talking about for ’s sake(a girl’s got needs).  This is entirely different than in the context of a relationship.  If I like a guy and things are just meh in bed, I’m willing to communicate with him and work on that in the hopes that it will get better.  Because I like him and I want our relationship to work.  That’s a totally different topic for a totally different post.

Today I’m talking about the very real challenge of finding a guy who I might want to fuck on a regular basis – a fuck buddy.   I have one (I’ve had others, but the others are all currently in relationships now.) and he’s out of town all the goddamn time.  It’s been weeks.  Weeks!

So sure, it’s been weeks and I’m so I could just hook up with some random guy at a party or my next date, but I know (KNOW!) that the chances are that the sex really isn’t going to be all that satisfying.  That there’s only a 1 in 20 chance that the guy will be material.   And that nothing is actually more crazy-making, for me, than really disappointing sex.

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20 to “Sex Math or Why I Haven’t Gotten Laid in Weeks”

  1. Singlegal says:

    I agree. There is nothing more disappointing. And because I’m awesome, I let them assume the role of the “bad sexer” all of the time. Hey – if we don’t connect, we don’t connect – but it’s your fault :-)
    The beauty of a good FB is that you can interview them first. Hey – anything goes, right? See what they like, what they don’t, and where this is going to go …
    THAT usually turns out better.

  2. Teifion says:

    Sounds like you need the cookie theory. The gist of it was that if I met enough women some of them would be girlfriends, if I went through enough girlfriends one of them would be my wife. Cookies were the catalyst to meet women and thus expedite the process.

    Statistics never lies.

  3. OpinionatedGift says:

    Yeah…that’s a tough one. Its kinda true on the other end too I think…the good/not so good ratio I mean.

    I’d like to read about how you managed to work out having fuck buddies. That’s always been tricky to work out for me. As in even approachability.

  4. HollyPage says:

    I think your math is spot-on! The odds are against women to have enjoyable NSA sex, due to some cruel combination of biology, personal preference, and a lack of value placed on a woman’s sexual pleasure. Men frequently admit (in studies) that they are less invested in a woman’s orgasm if they are not dating her. Ugh.

  5. rugger says:

    First, i love your articles. It’s empowering as a man to know the odds we are up against. Maybe the lesson to be learned for us men is to try a hell of a lot harder if we want a woman to make an encore in our bed!

  6. Anonymous says:

    The worst is a guy who thinks tthat the fact that he is hung is enough to make him good in bed. yo dudes, it’s not!

  7. moniquedame says:

    So effin true. No matter how bad I may need to get some it is way worse to get some and have it be disappointing. In either mine or their department.

  8. Jumper says:

    As a man I think there’s a similar percentage… lol. For us its the girls who are pretty but think that’s enough to be good at sex, the ones that won’t talk or say what they like, and the ones that just don’t like their body no matter how much I may think she’s a cute. Sex is complicated all around.

    And I haven’t had sex is nine months. Some of its apathy and disappointment at going on bad dates. It seems like giving up but I’m thinking about paying for sex just to get laid without complications.

  9. Hammer86 says:

    Wow, 50% is really high, I don’t really buy that number. In the other direction, I put it more at about 10% as being worth seeing again and far less as fuck buddy material. But also, in my experience women are pretty easily impressed in the bedroom so the fact that you’re saying that half of men are decent just really doesn’t ring true to me since almost no women who I’ve been with have ever had GREAT sex before me.

  10. Simone Grant says:

    In my VERY LIMITED experience, ahem, men aren’t always truthful in the FB interview phase. Or perhaps it’s that they’re not particularly self-aware. And then there are limits to language. One person’s kinky is another person’s vanilla.
    Oh what will we ever do with you?
    Yeah, I’d imagine it’s the same no matter how you slice it. I’m actually working on a “shopping for a FB piece”. It’s a little long for here. I’m planning on shopping it around.
    Ugh is right and totally not fair. At all. Funny to hear there are studies to back me up on this.
    First, welcome to the blog and thank you. Please, do take that lesson away and tell all your friends. Try harder!!!
    OMG – don’t even get me started on that one. They piss me off so goddamn much. The equipment doesn’t do you a damn bit of good if you don’t know how to use it. It’s like a monkey playing a Stradivarius.
    Welcome (this is your first time commenting, yes?). So glad to hear I’m not the only one who thinks so. This morning on Twitter a bunch of people were saying they’d rather have bad sex than no sex and I just couldn’t relate.
    The pretty girls thing is probably like the well hung guy thing. So annoying. But I seriously can’t imagine why anyone would ever need to pay for it. So many people want to have sex. Men and women. It’s really not that hard to find someone. Really. Oh, and welcome to the blog darling. :-)

  11. Simone Grant says:

    Missed one. I hate when that happens. Well, now we are factoring in another variable – age. You are a very young man. I assume you rarely, if ever, date women over 30. Totally different statistics apply. I’m talking about grown ups here.

  12. alfabeta says:

    Isn’t bad sex better than no sex?

  13. RVASarah says:

    @alfabeta: No. It really isn’t.

  14. Simone Grant says:

    Listen to RVASarah. She’s a smart woman.

  15. shnappy1 says:

    Okay, so sex sucks with new guys MOST of the time. But what about the one time in a gazillion that it’s excellent – for both of you – and you still can’t manage to find time to get together and rock out with your… Well, you know. Or what if he’s weird and thinks you – or HE – wants a relationship and it goes kaflooey? Ugh… I don’t think it’s just them. I think it’s a combination of two personalities, location and timing. And if you happen to have stuff in common and enjoy talking and making each other laugh – HOORAY! As for me, I’m rather enjoying a recent first, second, third and fourth experience over the past weekend (with the SAME GUY, mind you)… and totally looking forward to seeing what happens next. Yay, ME!

  16. Anonymous says:

    I’ve been lucky. The last two girls I’ve slept with have both been rock stars in bed, best I’ve ever had. One is 42 and the other is 34. They’re both starting to show their age a little, but they would definitely have been in the hot category in their twenties. The 42 y.o. in particular, but she said she wasn’t good at sex then. Only in the last few years has she really founder her groove.

    And I’m in the 80% of guys that think we’re in the top 10%. :)

  17. NoBSWoman says:

    Well, in most cases you don’t know it’s bad sex until *after* you commit. I’ve had intense chemistry with guys who just didn’t deliver in the sack. And then I’ve had so-so connections with men who rocked my world.

    I wish men came with sexual report cards, like a credit report. “What’s your score?”

  18. Anonymous says:

    Oh the superficiality…

  19. Simone Grant says:

    Yay you. Yeah, it’s pretty rare for it to be awesome right away but when it is it’s freaking amazing.
    I love that stat (80% of guys think they’re in the top 10%).
    I know. Chemistry really isn’t a good indicator here. At least that’s my experience. I wish it were. It would make life so much easier. And I love the idea of men coming with report cards. But you know guys would find a way to lie about them/cheat.
    -Anon #2
    Yep. The blog is called Sex, Lies and Dating… What did you think you were going to find, a profound analysis of the situation in Iran?

  20. DirtyOldMan says:

    Hmmm. I ran across your blog while researching something entirely different. Interesting comments. If you don’t mind my adding my two cents worth….

    After many decades of intense research, I’ve learned just one thing: sex is enjoyable only when you focus on giving your partner enjoyment. If you think about how you’re feeling, the sex will be lousy for both of you. Conversely, you’ll know the sex is good when you see that your partner is having fun.

    So, if you’ve a lousy average, either you’re being selfish, or you keep picking up selfish partners. Selfishness is destructive of any relationship, so if you find sex with somebody is lousy, dump ’em. Go out and find a fuck buddy to build a relationship with. If you can’t find one, consider that maybe you’re to blame.