Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

You Get What You Ask For

This was a weird week for me.  As I’ve mentioned before, Lostplum and I dropped by the Thrillist loft several times this week for different parties.  The parties were fun, and they were an opportunity for me to socialize as Simone Grant, the blogger.  As opposed to, my other self, the freelance writer who pretends to have no association with Simone and her blog (confused? read this).

People (men, specifically) react very differently to me as Simone the dating blogger than they normally would.  I don’t dress differently or do anything else differently.  Other than say that I write a dating blog.  They immediately want to tell me about their psycho ex-girlfriends, their worst date ever or insist that I tell them my worst date ever.  Which I guess might all be considered “shop talk” for a dating blogger.

So, last night I ended up talking, briefly, with some guy about the dating issues of guys with money.  He had at some point owned/been involved(?) with a wingwoman service that catered to these poor men who didn’t have time to date, etc.  And then somehow the conversation tilted and he said that the problem was the women these guys met via other methods (online, matchmakers – which would be the route I’d assume anyone with real money would take, unless they were only looking to get laid).  And he said, “the only women they ever met were goldiggers”.

And then I had a little aha moment.

I don’t believe in much.  Really, I don’t.  But I do believe that when it comes to dating you get what you ask for, in terms of types of people.  Over the years, I’ve dated successful guys (from different fields: finance, entertainment…).  I am not, however, a golddigger (there happen to be a lot of successful guys in NYC, it’s hard to avoid them).  I’ve been attracted to them for other reasons.

I’m immediately turned off by a guy who flashes his wealth, or brags about his success.  Who spends an exorbitant sum on a first date (by picking a ridiculous expensive place and then ordering lavishly) or who makes any attempt during the first couple of dates to let me know just how loaded he is (comments about hard it is to redecorate his place in the Hamptons when he’s still decorating his new place on Riverside or how much I’d like the view from his house in Brazil and we should fly down there together sometime soon).  I find that kind of behavior repulsive.  Those guys, as far as I’m concerned, are shopping for golddiggers.

I see dozens of them every time I cruise the online profiles.  The guys that either subtly or not so subtly hint at their status and wealth.*   When guys brag about wealth, the message they send is, my wealth is my number one selling point.  I don’t have much else going for me. And the only women who are open to that message are golddiggers.  Women who care more about wealth than anything else.

It can’t be all that hard for guys with money to meet women who aren’t golddiggers.  All they have to do is not flash their money.  But sadly, I’m guessing they want it both ways.  They want to be able to say, “you should love me/you should do whatever I want you to do” because I’m rich.  But I don’t want you to be a golddigger.  I want you to like me for me.

*Yes, I know, women are attracted to men with money.  There’s research to back that up.  But I think if you did a more in depth analysis of that what you’d find is that most women want stability.  They want a guy who isn’t going to be broke all of the time.  As long as he’s got a decent job and he’s paying his bills, that’s usually good enough.  The 5 cars and the 3 houses and the 2 long vacations every year – that stuff is nice, but it’s not a substitute for love and respect.


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5 to “You Get What You Ask For”


  1. susan Mercedes says:

    Well put!

  2. Alicewillbe says:

    Indeed!

  3. alfabeta says:

    Great post. As frequent online dater who is getting zero to mediocre responses on his online profile or email and wink advances, I wanted to one experiment. For two weeks I slightly changed my profile to display an annual income of $500k+ and I indicated my job being an investment banker. Everything else on the profile remained the same, the introduction about me, what I am looking for, the photos, etc. However, that small change of profession and income turned into a big change in the communication department. All of a sudden I got tons (literally tons!!) of emails from all over the world (!!) and the message was almost always the same “Hey, very nice profile. You seem to be a cool guy, blah blah”. Interesting, that none of those women seemed to care while I was presenting myself as the real me.

    Now my question: Would you consider mentioning a $500K salary and a Wall Street job as wealth flashing? Or did I just trigger the automatic golddigger’s requirements list?

    In any case, I never replied to any of those shallow women. I just wanted to prove that many many many women – especially in NY – only care about money.

  4. @icounsel4food says:

    Great post. You are spot-on when you mention how advertising one “asset” will likely get you people who are seeking that “asset”. Whether it’s a rich man broadcasting his wealth while seeking a non-golddigger or a very physically attractive woman who broadcasts her physical attributes while saying that she wants someone who isn’t just into her looks (I will not go into ways a woman “broadcasts” her physical attractiveness because I hardly think a man can be objective about this… but all the physically attractive platonic female friends I’ve had are quick to tell me when someone I’ve been interested in is leading with her looks, so I take cues from them).

    The truth is that many people who feel the need to brag about their more “attractive qualities” probably identify themselves with that trait. While it may not be wholly indicative of what they have going on inside, it’ll tell you what’s important to them and why they think they are worthy (or unworthy) of your time.
    A paradox emerges when a wealthy/attractive person wants someone who doesn’t want them JUST for those traits but they themselves seem to view these qualities as their most salient & worthwhile characteristics.

    Either way, we can’t forget that what attracts a person can be something wholly different from whatever keeps them around… and I think that’s a good thing.

  5. Simone Grant says:

    -susan Mercedes and Alicewillbe
    Thank you both.
    -alfabeta
    As I’m sure you know, people can do searches for specific characteristics on online dating sites – one of them being income. So I’m sure there are many women (the one’s who care most about income) who screen for income in their searches. Personally, I prefer when men leave than answer blank. I find it crass.

    And yes, I’d consider those women golddiggers. I’d suggest you find other ways to improve your profile if you’d like more attention.
    -@icounsel4food
    You bring up an interesting point. Online dating will tell you a lot about how a person perceives themselves, or how they wish they were perceived.