Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

It Finds You

A friend of mine is always telling me, “You can’t go looking for love.  It finds you, not the other way around.”

It’s the of thing I used to believe in.  But I don’t anymore.  Or at least I don’t think I should.  It’s just not healthy to hold on to those fantasies forever.  I think it’s better, safer to be pragmatic.

Which is not to say that I didn’t used to believe.  I did.  For a long time.  I was 100% certain that one day love would find me.

Here’s the fantasy:

I’m strolling through the New Fiction aisle of my local library and we bump into each other, both completely oblivious to the other as we skim the titles of the books on the shelf.

As an alternative, I’m standing in line at my local bakery waiting for my weekly treat- a fresh oat scone to start my Friday out right.   He’s right behind me on line and asks me about the oat scones, “are they any good?”

There are other variations, too.  I must’ve imagined at least a dozen of them.  The meeting my story.  The one that takes place naturally.  As I go about my normal life.  Not on an site.  Or speed dating.  Or a singles event.  Or at a bar or club that I went to with the express hopes of meeting a guy.

The meeting my guy in some random way, because people can and do meet that way, don’t they? story.

I gotta admit that I love these stories.  I love making them up and I love telling them to myself.  They make me happy.  The way that old, sad love songs make me happy.

I don’t actually think there’s a chance in hell that any of these things might come true.  I just love the stories.

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13 to “It Finds You”

  1. Bob Matsuoka says:

    The corollary to those stories is that love finds you when you least expect it, and when you’re least looking for it. I’ve heard that too many times (and it happened to me, has also happened to many of my friends) to not believe it.

    But it does seem to happen on its own schedule. Keep the faith!

  2. damiella says:

    I think there’s a middle ground. Being open to it, but not devoting a large part of your life to looking for it. I’m a firm believer that desperation drives away good luck. And that’s really what finding love comes down to: luck. Leaving the house, being around people, having a positive attitude and a full life without a man are all factors that help, but ultimately there is no way to predict when or where or how it will happen. Though I actually think dating too much can create a lot of white noise and it’s during those quieter moments that someone special is more likely to appear. And as much as I hate the cliche, it really does happen when you least expect it/are least looking for it.

  3. onedatewonder says:

    I kind of feel like comments like that somehow diminish the validity of meeting someone through online dating though. And I don’t think anyone particularly means it that way nor do I mean do take away from what you all are saying. But to say that love will happen when you aren’t looking for it or least expect it, somehow makes me feel like love found when looking isn’t viewed as being as special somehow.

    I get that you all most likely didn’t mean that in the slightest. I’m not saying you did. I’m just saying that love found through active dating or looking is every bit as special as love found in line at the bakery. And that maybe the cliche could use a bit of retiring. After all, I know plenty of couples who have found true love through an online dating site.

    Maybe we just need a new cliche.

  4. wwfchic says:

    I have these stories as well – I make them up in the car or as I’m drifting to sleep. They keep me hoping…the hope fades…but it’s still there…

  5. starangel82 says:

    I used to be a big believer in the whole ‘love finds you’ deal. I guess part of me still believes that, but it now comes with a heavy dose of reality. If you don’t put yourself out there, then no one can ever find you.

    I’m glad I’m not the only one who tells myself little stories. I’m probably driving myself crazy telling myself these things, but I just like the fantasy.

  6. SpikeTheLobster says:

    I have a story like that… which actually happened. One of my brothers was going into his bank and he passed a girl coming out. He thought she was gorgeous, but didn’t say anything. As he was waiting in line, he suddenly thought “What am I doing?! I’ll miss her!” and rushed out, charged up and down the street, but couldn’t find her.

    A few days later, he was in the cafeteria at his workplace… and she walked in. They worked for the same company, in two different departments. And she kept going to lunch when he did. And going for a glass of water when he did. And so on.

    They’re married, now. :)

  7. sparklytosingle says:

    Oh for sure, I know too many people who found love when they weren’t looking for it not to be true. But I also know way too many people who found love when they WERE looking for THAT not to be true. Moral of the story? Love finds you when it finds you. Sometimes you’re looking. Sometimes you’re not. I don’t think it matters. Love is about the particular chemistry, circumstances and compatibility between two people, and you find it when you happen to find one special person. I think you are more likely to find it if you regularly meet new people because the greater the number of people you meet, the greater the chance that you find that elusive connection. But there’s not any rhyme or reason to it.

  8. Momma Sunshine says:

    You know, for me, I don’t think it matters how you meet someone, as long as you meet someone great. Meeting through dating sites is becoming so common these days – what does it matter if that’s how you met the person that you’re with? It’s just as valid a way to meet someone as anywhere else, in my opinion. :)

  9. chelsmarlene says:

    For me that’s how it happened. Just another day in Nordstroms, and he worked there. And from that, day on we we’re together. Unfortunately we broke up last year, we were together for two years, and remain friends. But in some ways, I want that to happen again, so I have another story… But I have to say, it really doesn’t matter how you meet the person, just as long as there is a true connection and no phony mess… You can always tell!!!

  10. Simone Grant says:

    First let me give a big welcome to chelsmarlene.
    I’m not sure I have much more to say one this. I think you all have hit on all the big points here. It doesn’t matter how you meet. Love is special regardless of the circumstances.

  11. Barrett says:

    It’s a cliche that people love to hate but for my own experience it was true as well. She came through my register where I worked and it wasn’t for a few more years till we actually got together but it really came up when I least expected it.

  12. iamalejandra says:

    Cliche, cliche, cliche, cliche. It’s much more fun and “romantic” to hear someone’s cute, quirky & random story. Do the math, how many “fantasies come to life” have you heard compared to the boring ol’ “We met at a bar” or “We met through a friend”.
    Yes, sometimes it does “find you” but I do not believe that it’s the only way it happens. Besides, don’t you ever wonder if maybe the other person was the one who was desperately looking? Maybe *you* were just in line at the bakery, but maybe he had a habit of hitting on every person that walked through the door.
    So no, I absolutely do not believe in “fantasies”. I do however believe in the Chupacabra. Go figue.

  13. browolf says:

    I belive in that as far as online goes and it has happened. It’s probably easier for guys to have accounts all over the place and be less active with them since we dont get swamped with mail and so 1 random message on 1 random site is a lot more apparent to us.