Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Fluffer?

I got some disturbing news a couple of weeks ago.  Yet another one of the men from my not too distant past, a guy who “really, really liked me” but wasn’t looking for a commitment, is now in a committed relationship.  I now know of 3 who fall into this category from the last 4 years.  There may very well be more, but we just haven’t stayed in touch.

I thought about it for a couple of days and then called one of my good guy friends, the one who’s an ex (pretty much the only ex who I’ve successfully made the transition into good friend status with).  I told him that I feel like a fluffer.   A relationship fluffer. The girl that gets guys ready for their eventual , but who isn’t actually good enough to have a relationship with.

He laughed and said, “you’re so much more than that”.  And then changed the subject.


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9 to “Fluffer?”


  1. OpinionatedGift says:

    I know the feeling. Very well. LOL.

  2. Tazzee says:

    hmm, let’s see – I’m on my 4th serious relationship. I know I was a fluffer for two (guys were engaged less than a year after we broke up).

  3. marlowedh says:

    Too Funny! The same with me: three men who I dated married the next woman after me! LOL! But when I reflect on this, what I always return to is that the relationships I had with them were flawed in such a way that it was only after that relationship that they understood the value of being with some one in a serious and committed way. The people these men were when I began dating them is completely different than who they were at the end and thereafter; clearly they had to grow into being a person capable of marriage, commitment and deep intimacy. If I helped them to do that, then great. I can feel like I’ve made the world a slightly better place and drink my latte with impunity. It only goes to show that they were not the right person for me, because I was looking for someone they had yet to grow into.
    Simone, you’re clearly so much more than a fluffer, or relationship training wheels! It’s just unfortunate that these men weren’t capable of being more for you.

  4. darkheath says:

    I had a string of like 5 or 6 in which this happened. It always leaves you wondering.

    BTW, ladies… I’m not in the least bit gay or effiminate, but seem to have way more in common with you than with the men. I’m just sayin’.

  5. Singletude says:

    Oh, man, have I been there! In my case, though, I think it was at least partially a stage of life thing. I was with several guys who were almost but not quite ready, each still maturing and waiting to hit his stride career-wise. After we broke up, it just so happened that the commitment light turned green in more than one case, and those guys ended up with serious girlfriends (who later became wives) within a year.

    Also, I noticed that these girls were usually similar to me but with several key differences that made them just *that* much more compatible with my exes. Perhaps some of those ingredients were the difference between happily ever after and happy for now.

  6. Simone Grant says:

    -OpinionatedGift
    You too. Sucks, right?
    -Tazzee
    Welcome to the blog. So what’s your theory on this?
    -marlowedh
    Thanks darling. That’s the way I’m trying to see it. One of the guys said to me that after we split up he realized how badly he’d screwed things up, how much he’d pushed me away… And so, yeah, maybe it was losing me (because I just won’t put up with that shit) that made him evolve into the kind of guy who can settle down. But it still sucks for me.
    -darkheath
    It does leaves me wondering. And when I’m in a self critical mood it leaves me feeling unworthy. And btw, I can’t imagine anyone imagining you as gay :-)
    -Singletude
    Hmm. You know I’ve never met these other girls. And I don’t think I’d want to. I think I’d be seriously pissed off to find out they were similar to me. It might make me feel even worse.

  7. darkheath says:

    I’m not even saying I think anyone would imagine me as gay (Hello, Adam Lambert!). But the more I read these female blogs, the more I realise how “unmanly” I am (in the typical sense, of course).

  8. Cute~Ella says:

    Oh I’m familiar with the feeling…I had 4 guys in 4 months tell me they weren’t ready and then to find out the next time I talked/ran into them they had met someone. That and all my ex’s that I ever hear from or of? Married the next chick they were with…Kick in the gut.

  9. Simone Grant says:

    -darkheath :-)
    -Cute~Ella
    It sucks. I know. I’m still coping with this and trying to figure out what it means. Last night I had a chat with a friend about the fact that with each of these guys we came to a point where I “laid down the law” and said basically – ‘your current behavior is unacceptable. You’re being a jerk to me. Grow up and get lost.’ And that maybe if I had more patience and just rode it out (let them be spoiled little brats who treated me poorly for months) then maybe they would eventually have stopped it and we could have lived happily ever after. And that maybe the difference between me and women with husbands is that I always stand up for myself.

    Either that or each of these guys learned their lessons when I called them on their shit and didn’t pull it with their future gfs. Either way, it still sucks.