Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

What’s A Girl To Do?

I think I already know the answer to this, but maybe I’m wrong.  I’m wrong a lot.

I have a lot of different online profiles, with a few different online services.  The one thing that they all have in common (other than that they all describe me in one way or another and they all have pictures of me) is that they all make it clear that I’m seeking a long-term relationship.  Eventually.  That that’s my goal.

I’m of the belief that one of the most important ingrediants for a successful relationship is that both partners want the same thing at the same time.  That one person isn’t thinking, “fling” while the other is thinking, “marriage potential”.  Because clearly in those cases someone in going to get hurt.  Well, maybe not 100% of the time.  Maybe sometimes things work out just fine.  But not usually.  I don’t think.

So I like to state my intentions and desires up front.  As kind of a PLEASE GO AWAY  to all of the guys who are just seeking casual relationships.  It doesn’t always work.  Some of them see my PLEASE GO AWAY plea as a challenge.   Or a dare (let’s face it, the world is full of not very nice people).

Anyway, maybe I shouldn’t have that in my profile.  Maybe it’s unnecessary?  I don’t know.  I really don’t.  I think it is.  But quite frankly, I’ve had so many guys lie to me about wanting just what I want and then it becomes clear that they either a) have absolutely no desire to be in a committed relationship or b) might want, someday to be in a LTR but are not “ready” for one.  I almost feel like this is one of those cases where the liars win.

And then, there are those guys who come right out and play the, “well, I can see myself in a relationship someday, but I’m not sure I’m ready now because I just got out of one” card.  I don’t know what to do with them anymore.  My gut instinct is to not go out with them.  That they’re probably not going to be ready for a long, long time.  But then, hey, at least they’re being honest.

Oh shit.  Have I mentioned lately how much I can really hate dating?


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13 to “What’s A Girl To Do?”


  1. Jude Harrison says:

    Go with your gut if a guy says that move on!

  2. TerrySimpson says:

    Ok, give us a break.
    Some of us have been in long-term relationships, and short ones, and sometimes we don’t know what we want, and then it hits us.
    Here is the guy’s perspective– well, this guy’s:
    it is a wide world out there – -with a lot of potential mates – friends – interests. We do like to play, but sometimes – when we least expect it (usually when we least expect it, and are not looking) we are hit with someone that rocks our world.
    So – the wise ones would say – always open to it, but cannot always state that as an intent.
    When friends “set us up” with someone –”oh, she is great, wonderful, smart, sassy, independent.” and we start the conversation — a bit prejudiced thinking and then get let down a bit. Probably happens more often than not.
    So – we hate dating too. We do like to have someone around to chat with, to date, someone in our lives that we can relax with, be ourselves, and not dress up all the time.
    So – gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find the prince – well, happens. Until then, enjoy the kiss – and when you least expect it the prince may appear.

  3. blairh313 says:

    What if the guy says he doesn’t want a fling but acts like he does? What if it fails and, down the road, both parties want the same thing? Can you overcome hurt, anxieties and insecurities? Will it work?

    This may be the question that can never be answered. As most things with dating seem to be. But props for bringing it up.

    http://ignighter.com
    http://twitter.com/ignighter

  4. SerialSinner says:

    I’m picturing two opposite types of profiles:

    One where a person is enjoying life and not craving a relationship, but registered on a dating site because “you never know and it wouldn’t hurt”.

    Another where a person is evidently eager to find a SO. The sooner the better.

    As a guy, I would go for the first one. The second might result in a quicker match, but raises many red flags in terms of emotional baggage.

    I think you should go for a: “I love my life and have accepted that I’ll probably never find a SO, but you never know, so why not?” kind of message.

  5. Momma Sunshine says:

    Dating can be hard, I agree. Dating websites are kind of strange places – such a mix of people, so many different expectations, so many different ways of expressing those expectations.

    Personally, I think it’s better to be honest and up front from the very beginning about what you’re looking for. You can’t control the actions (and reactions) of others. All you can do at the end of the day is ensure that you’re happy with your own behaviour….

    Hang in there.

  6. TonyImages says:

    mmm I have done a ton of “on-line” dating rarely whats written, is who that person really is, I’m not saying they are lying! I’m just saying that what they write is not exactly who they are. Lets face it, you cant really expect to know someone from some written on-line profile. Ya for the most part if they say they like want an LTR then it tells me their at least open to it but its not written in stone. Contrastingly if they say their only wanting friends it doesn’t mean the relationship doesn’t start that way and end up more LTR… you just never know. Chemistry one way or the other happens with face to face interaction…. you have to wade through a lot of first dates to find out…. I think thats why they call it dating.

  7. Simone Grant says:

    -Jude Harrison
    You have a lot more faith in my gut than I do :-)
    -TerrySimpson
    So you would advice me to stop looking for a LTR and just take whatever comes? I hear that a lot. I just don’t understand it. It’s not the way my brain works, I guess. I’m such a goal-oriented, control freak. But it’ a valid point.
    -blairh313
    Welcome to the blog. You’re asking all of the right questions. I don’t have any good answers. Well, maybe one – I know to ignore what a guy says and watch what he does. Actions speak louder than words.
    -SerialSinner
    My profile doesn’t really fit in either category you mention. It’s kind of in the middle: I’m enjoying my life and don’t need a guy, but know that life could be even better with one. And short term flingers need not apply. I have not accepted that I’ll probably never find a SO. In fact, I think that’s a really crappy thing to say (I’m 39 not 93), and wouldn’t want to date anyone would thought it.
    -Momma Sunshine
    That’s always been my attitude – Up front, honest and happy with myself.
    -TonyImages
    I’m pretty sure I’ve been on more first dates in the last few years than most people who read this blog. I know there are no guarantees. I’d just like to make educated choices about who I go out with. And I’d never go out with anyone who says they’re just interested in making new friends. I don’t get that at all.

  8. Tequilla says:

    Hey

    The whole “looking for a LTR” thing mentioned in your profile usually will scare a guy. Why? It’s easy (coming from a guy’s point of view). Let’s say that the rest of the profile, including the pics, determines him to respond in a possitive way. He’s thinking…. this is interesting, she looks fine, maybe i should take her out on a date to see what’s what.

    When reading the last part, the “LTR” stuff, makes his unconscious mind take a negative decision, because, for a strange reason, we are scared of a long term relationship. And it’s premature thinking. I mean, a guy thinks: IF i were to date her, she EXPECTS me to start immediately a relationship.

    This is bad thinking (and it shouldn’t be, i know…) because: 1. it takes him out of his comfort zone, and 2. instead of trying to create an attraction, he focuses on thinking: what can i say or do to make her thing i have relationship material? So he will flake…

    Instead, you both should look at this as rotating a volume knob. It’s starts from 0, the point when you are strangers to each other. Knowing each other, creating rapport, creating attraction, turns up the volume in a slow way. Saying you want a LTR prior to those instantly turns the volume to the Max level, and kills everything.

    Does it make sense?

  9. drumdance says:

    I think you’re overthinking. The vast majority of guys look at one thing when it comes to online profiles. Is she hot? Then they may wonder about distance (I won’t date anyone more than 15 miles away) and interests. What kind of relationship she’s seeking is so far down the list that I suspect most guys don’t even notice it. In the same way we don’t notice you changed your hair. :)

  10. Simone Grant says:

    -Tequilla
    First, welcome to the blog. Yes, what you wrote makes sense and it’s certainly something I’ve heard before. I guess it’s just an idea that I find somewhat, well, icky. I can’t articulate it more than that. I want a man who knows what he wants. Who isn’t afraid of relationship. So many I want the impossible?
    -drumdance
    Me overthink something? Never. I get what you’re saying.

  11. FitDarcie says:

    I wish it was socially acceptable to ask a man on the first date if he plans on committing eventually. I realize it’s always going to be a case of “see where it goes” but there are so many men out there who never want to commit, and it wastes my time and theirs if we’re not upfront about it.

  12. Simone Grant says:

    -FitDarcie
    Yep. If only we could read minds.

  13. TonyImages says:

    FitDarcie-
    I have been on dates (first time meeting) and remember being asked how I feel about kids…this wasn’t a general worldly question, it was directed at my desire to have kids or not! wow! to that direct of a question my response was NO sorry you have the wrong guy.. I’m not interested. I certainly understood were she was coming from (her proverbial time clock was ticking) but come on let me know you a little before we talk about kids. On the other hand, I do think its appropriate to at least talk about our intention of a relationship.Hopefully the answers are truthful and sincere. Even if my intention is to have a “LTR” it doesn’t guarantee its going to happen with that person, that happens with chemistry, communication and time.

    P S – Simone this is more along the lines of what I meant in my earlier reply.