Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

I’d Rather Be Wrong

A couple of weeks ago I wrote that I knew it was going to be harder for me to date at 39.  Well, it’s started to happen.  I unhid my profile the day after my birthday.  This is an old account for me, although I update it every time I unhide it with new pics and some new language (it drives me nuts when people have the same exact profile up, year after year).

That was 6 days ago.  And in those 6 days my profile has received exactly 55 matching views.  I’ve been hotlisted 5 times.  I’ve received 0 winks.  And have been sent 2 spontaneous messages (not in response to anything I did).

How does this compare to my usual activity?  Well, it wasn’t that long ago when I last had an active profile on nerve.  I was 38.  And while I refreshed the pics and some of the language – I didn’t do anything radical.  I used to receive at least a dozen new views a day and it wasn’t uncommon to get 20 a day for the first week.  I’d get at few winks a day (more during the first week) and almost always a couple of messages a day.  More during the first week.

Clearly men are limiting their preferences to women with a maximum age of 38.  Probably because they assume anyone claiming to be 39 is actually 40+.

Oh well, fuck it.  I’m not lying.

In other news, I’ve added a little Tipjoy thing over there on the right.  A reader suggested it.  I feel a llittle weird about it.  More than a little.  But we’ll see how it goes.  If no one uses it then I’ll know it was a kind but inappropriate idea for this site.


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11 to “I’d Rather Be Wrong”


  1. browolf says:

    would you want to date someone that went around making assumptions like that?

  2. @JudeHarrison says:

    Sadly most men are that shallow, however I have never limited myself that way. I offer this next comment from behind my rose colored lenses of a true romantic, I said most men not all. The right man will be an expansive thinker who doesn’t make such assumptions.

  3. Momma Sunshine says:

    BAH! Men!

    Screw it. It’s better to be honest, in my opinion….

  4. SerialSinner says:

    SG have you considered other strategies for meeting people besides online dating? OD seems ideal in the sense that you can screen people beforehand. But then, people are prone to fall for stereotypes (who isn’t anyway?) and to selling themselves. I am sure your experience confirms this (lying, inaccurate pics, etc).

    Have you considered other sources of socialization, such as classes or activities (meetup.com? some grad course @ NYU?). Interacting with a group of people on a regular basis that shares your interests might work. I see it is more likely for real chemistry to happen when facades are abandoned.

  5. Simone Grant says:

    -browolf
    No I wouldn’t. And you just reminded me of something. I might be going out on fewer dates, but maybe they’ll be better ones. I’ll take quality over quantity any day.
    -@JudeHarrison
    I’m not going to blame men here. I think women do this too. I know plenty of guys who start lying about there age in their 40s just so that they can fight the same battle I’m losing.
    -Momma Sunshine
    I agree, completely. And hopefully it’s a winning strategy.
    -SerialSinner
    Of course I’ve considered and tried other strategies for meeting men. Most (almost all) of the singles events and groups in the city trend too young for my taste. They attract mostly people in their 20s and 30s. And then the ones targeted to older singles are, um, old. As to classes. Been there, did that. ALL WOMEN. I’m actually a very active grownup. Over the years I’ve done all kinds of classes in things I’ve been interested in and volunteered with many organizations that I care about (another thing single women are told to do if they are interested in meeting a man). And what I found was a lot of single women looking to meet men. Men do not have to look for women in this city. They are everyone. We outnumber them. And in my demographic the numbers are stark (as guys have their pick of women in their 30s and even 20s). I use online dating because online dating is cheap, efficient and somewhat effective.

  6. SerialSinner says:

    I should have realized you probably though about all those. It’s obviously a challenging stage, but that also means there is a big market for couching others with your experience, which is good.

    On the other hand, I know a lot of women around 40 who would love to date guys in their early or mid 30′s but are troubled by their looks. I’m 34 and my g/f is 33, and many of my friends have no problems what so ever on dating older girls as long as there is physical and emotional chemistry. What I love about my friends around 40 is their sense of identity, perspective, pragmatism, comfort in their own skin, intellectual development and lack of drama.

    Have you considered giving the mid-30′s sector another chance? You might be surprised.

  7. TonyImages says:

    ok, ok guilty as charged! LOL ya sure I shave a couple of yrs off my age, I reduce a few pounds from my waist… but I feel I’m in the minority of men who truly don’t look their age and are in far better shape than most guys even 10 yrs younger than me. Ya I weigh 215 I’m 5’11″ but if I tell people that before they meet me, they picture some fat ass over weight couch potato… and I’m far from that! I challenge anyone (and often do, to guess how old I am and my weight) no one ever gets it right. I just finished my 15th marathon and have competed in 100 other shorter races… I travel, I’m educated and I have the sex drive of an 18 yr with the experience of a 40 something LOL so for me to date woman in the 30′s I have to compete with the guys that ARE in their 30′s but cant do half the shit I do. After the first date the truth is out… sometimes its a deal breaker and some times its not.
    I’m dating a woman right now that just turned 30 we have a lots in common and some things we don’t.. we have a great time and she seems to really like me….
    …PS: I live in the worst f’cking city in the country to be single in. Try being a 40′ something Jewish guy in a predominately Catholic city with woman who wont even look at you unless you were born here, go to church down the street, and have a ton of family.

  8. Shannia says:

    may I suggest injuring yourself frequently yo meet a nice, sexy, eligigle doctor?
    I am just being silly… I am 36 Simone and I feel you believe me! I just met someone I think I might like but he’s 30 and that’s a big problem right now for me.

  9. Simone Grant says:

    -SerialSinner
    I do occasionally go out with younger guys. But only very rarely. I’ve always dated older guys, going back to when I was a teenager.
    -TonyImages
    I don’t judge others for the choices they make. I know a lot of people who choose to shave a few years off. I’ve dated several of them. I could. I choose not to.
    -Shannia
    Whatever you choose to do, honey, I hope it works out the way you want it to.

  10. bookgirlboston says:

    Lordy, try being 49! I also look much younger than that, (good genetics and keeping out of the sun) and online dating just doesn’t work for me at all. Really and truly the only advances I get are from much older than me (58 and up) and early 30s looking for casual hookups. Even late 20s. I prefer dating younger since I am not a homebody/couch-sitter/TV watcher and have had better luck with the activity level but they are not interested in an eventual committed LTR. The older ones often are but never leave the bloody house! I could shave years and get away with it but lying? Getting caught is not worth it. Damned if you do and …..

  11. Simone Grant says:

    -bookgirlboston
    Welcome to the blog, darling. I can imagine (and do, imagine) that it gets worse with each year. And it’s just not fair. I date 50 yr old all the freakin time. NOT FAIR.