Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Loneliness Bites

Thank you so much to everyone for your thoughtful and supportive comments regarding my “” post, here, on Twitter and via direct messaging.  I appreciate them.  I also appreciate the messages of the ? variety.  I know that I included a lot of info in that last post.  It was long, and could have been even longer if I’d written everything that was on my mind.

Later today I’ll find some time to reply to the specific comments. Promise.  Right now I just wanted to clarify a couple of things that I think I left fuzzy.

I was liking the European as a person and there was definitely some chemistry between us.  I was concerned about my ability to be sexually attracted to him.  I honestly didn’t know how big of an issue this was for me.  I realize that some people can’t understand this.  The truth is, I’d just never been in that situation before.  Where a chubby, OK -  FAT, guy and I got naked together.   And like most things with me, I figured the only way for me to know was to actually go for it and try.  I’m just like that.  I’d rather try and fail than not try and not know.

What I didn’t say was that that night during dinner I’d had a lot more to drink than I usually do. A lot. And then I left my bedroom pretty damn dark (very unlike me, I don’t really have body image issues, I’m perfectly happy to walk around naked in the blinding sunlight and like to see my partner during sex). And I was fine.  I wasn’t repulsed.  But I was drunk and it was dark.

And while I was thinking he wasn’t substantive enough for a boyfriend, we like all of the same music and cultural stuff.  Quite frankly, it’s been a lot of months since I’ve had anyone in my life to share those things with.  Yes, I can go do those things alone.  And I do.  But it gets lonely.  I get lonely.  bites. I thought that it would be nice to have someone to go do things with.  A companion. A companion is different than a .  With my (s) it’s just about sex.  We don’t go see plays together.

Anyway, those are some of the things I left out of last night’s post.  I’ll write about how things ended later today.


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11 to “Loneliness Bites”


  1. starangel82 says:

    “A companion is different than a fuckbuddy. With my fuckbuddy(s) it’s just about sex. We don’t go see plays together.”

    So very, very true. I know how you feel… I just don’t have any answers either.

  2. TonyImages says:

    Ok Simone ya I kinda figured this scenario (more to the story thing…) and hey cool for you, cant know unless you try.. I wish I could meet that one woman ( that did it for me) that would give me that break… I DM you and wrote a long note about the (I call him the “fat” guy) and now (after this clarification post) I think even more so it does come down to chemistry, sexual compatibility, connectivity and more…but I didn’t notice you saying here “yet” that you would be honest with the guy and let him know your sexual incompatibility. Keep him as a (oh GOD here it comes… a “friend”) and keep your “fuckbuddy” as such.
    Personally I don’t think you’ll ever find the right guy as long as in the back of your mind (and address book) a backup plan (the “fuckbuddy”) when the guy your dating doesn’t do it for you. In my opinion you’re not truly lonely until access to “other” satisfying sex is closed.
    Get a vibrator and be picky or be open to the test of time.

  3. jenmata says:

    As starangel82 I don’t have any answers, I do have questions though. How does one go about finding a trustworthy fuck buddy? I mean aside for the CL add and the random pickup of a stranger off the street technique. My understanding of a fb is just that someone, whom you JUST have sex with, so it can’t be an ex with whom you have history, baggage or could potentially get emotionally involved expecting more from. It has to be someone new, right? Now who does one establish these rules with someone new? I’m not entirely sure I would actually find myself a fb, but sometimes the idea is appealing.

    Oh and TonyImages, I get how a backup plan can hinder one from becoming completely engrossed in a relationship, but I know for a fact that being truly lonely doesn’t make it any easier to commit to a relationship either. I’d say each and every one of us needs to find what works for us and us alone. My two cents, anyhow.

  4. alfabeta says:

    Simone,

    I know how you feel about being lonely. But that doesn’t mean you have to get a companion who you would consider being “2nd best” just so that you aren’t lonely anymore. Wouldn’t you rather be with someone who is a good fit?

    AB

  5. TonyImages says:

    hmmm ya well when you (jenmat) or anyone have the “fb” thing worked out… please let the rest of us who wouldn’t mind the occasional no tears, wow that was great but I gotta go now thing figured out then sign me up LOL… I believe is a topic all on its own (and I’m sure posted here somewhere) Can men and women be emotionally unattached when sex is involved? I don’t think so.. someone is lying or two people with absolutely no substance has found each other night after night of mindless sex.

    … Jen and yes I think the operative word here is “alone” I do think each of us has to deal with our choices differently and singularly… but when you involve another person (the person you might date) or (the person who is the fb) then your no longer dealing with just being alone… someone else’s emotions sooner or later is going to get involved and be a part of that process.

  6. SerialSinner says:

    Although a gross generalization, I think fbs tend to be more easily handled by men than women, and it makes sense biologically (early women would benefit from having the male around in the event of pregnancy). I know a lot of women who can perfectly handle recurrent fbs for a long time with no complications, but then factors such as personality and how frequently they meet probably play a big role. Life is short though, so handling fb is a talent that shouldn’t be wasted.

  7. pansophy says:

    I think fb’s can work if both parties are attracted to each other and like each other as people, but there is some barrier to things going farther for both people. Maybe there is some fatal flaw that would ruin a relationship or neither person wants a relationship at all.

    But I do have to agree with Tony that a fb can get in way of the real goal sometimes and a temporary fix that enables one to address real issues. Think it just depends.

    As an aside, I’m not sure why anyone would have a problem with the ‘blog policy’. I didn’t find one thing closely objectionable.

  8. Anonymous says:

    I can’t believe that Tony is recommending getting a vibrator! I mean, you were telling everyone that you feel lonely sometimes and he has nothing better to say than “get a vibrator”?

  9. Simone Grant says:

    -starangel82
    I don’t think anyone has the answer to that one. Maybe some people think they do. But they don’t :-)
    -TonyImages
    Would you recommend that a man stop having casual sex until he gets into a long term relationship? It seems like a ridiculous idea. And more to the point, I don’t want someone to seem great because I’m lonely and desperate. I want someone to seem great because he is great. I don’t need to be celibacy to realize that.
    -jenmata
    I’m actually working on an article about how one goes about finding a good fuckbuddy. It’s not as easy as picking someone up in a bar.
    -alfabeta
    Not everything has to be meaningful. Not every relationship has to be serious. Sometimes it’s nice to just hang out and have fun.
    -SerialSinner
    I don’t know if I buy your reasoning. I’ve heard it before, but the truth is that a lot of women have no trouble with it at all. We just don’t go around bragging about our sex lives the way do, so it’s on the QT.
    -pansophy
    It really isn’t all that complicated. Both people just need to want the same thing and nothing more.

  10. The Accidental Divorcée says:

    The loneliness issue certainly hits home for me. I’m independent enough to go do things on my own. I don’t need to wait around until someone’s available to go with me. I go to movies, I go to concerts, I go to coffee shops, etc. But that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t, at least on occasion, really enjoy having someone with whom to share any of those experiences. I have a sister who’s willing to go with me a lot of places, and, while my circle of friends dwindled post-divorce, sometimes I can even find one of those. But, at the same time, I miss having guy friends. It’s just a different dynamic than most girlfriends, even if there’s not a romantic connection. And once you’re divorced, you’re no longer allowed to hang out with married guys, of course. Not even in mixed company. *eyeroll* So, yeah. Rambling, but I hear you about the companionship issue.

  11. Simone Grant says:

    -The Accidental Divorcée
    I think that’s something that a lot of people don’t “get” about me and a lot of single people. I miss sex when it’s not in my life, sure. But I can live w/o sex for months at a time and learn to live with that. But when I have no companionship, well, that really hurts.