Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Yeah, This Again

This was not at all what I had planned to write about today (Oh, and another quick apology for the late posting.  Lostplum and I went out for drinks last night and I was in no shape to write when I got home.  Truth is, I did do some other work late last night and I am seriously sleep deprived now and so please forgive me the inevitable typos.)    Anyway, last night was the second night of and by my count they mentioned the 7 times.  It might have been more, as I was furiously taking notes in between sips of champagne.

No, I will not go on another rant about this.

It’s silly, but people are allowed to be silly.  In fact, people make a lot of money being silly.

A couple of days ago I read something equally silly about sex and waiting that I wanted to share with you, and get your opinion about, as it’s in the same vein of thought.  As many of you know.  I now write for Ignighter’s Magazine.  They have a lot of different bloggers and we all have very different perspectives.   One of them wrote this last week,

Because, as was recently pointed out to me, if two people really like each other, the sex is pretty much automatically gonna be good. Thus my advice to my fellow daters shouldn’t come as rocket science, and is probably something that most girls figured out a long time ago (though as something of a one-time slut, I can’t really believe I’m the one offering it up): If you’re serious about finding something real, then relax about the sex, and take time to actually get to know someone. Do that, and when you finally do get to know them them, you know, biblically, I think you’ll find it that much more worth your while.”

The italics and underlining were added by me, btw.

So, it’s this guys (his name is Andrew and I’m sure he’s a very nice young man) contention that if two people really like each other then the sex if automatically going to be good.  I call bullshit.  Loudly.  BULLSHIT!!!!

Been there.  Doesn’t always work like that, honey.  Sorry.  Maybe if you don’t really know much about sex, or aren’t very experienced (I’m not pointing any fingers, I’m just saying that some youngish guys and gals aren’t all that hard to please because they don’t even know what good sex is, yet).  But I have actually ended a relationship with a man I adored (it was mutual) because we were just not sexually compatible.  And yes we tried.  We really tried.  For months.  And we drove each other nuts.

Anyway, I’m starting to rant again.  There is a question here.  I guess I wonder if I’m in the minority, here.  If maybe I’m the jaded old lady in the room and everyone else, or most everyone else agrees with the nice young man.

If two people really like each other will the the sex automatically be good? (and let’s assume they’ve waited at least 5 or 6 dates, maybe even longer).

  • Yes (2 votes)
  • Yes, unless one of them has some serious issues or is lacking in some special way. (13 votes)
  • No. What a stupid thing to say. How you feel about a person is one thing. Sex is something else. (32 votes)
  • Not really. Caring about a person can make sex more special, but that’s about it. (62 votes)

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18 to “Yeah, This Again”


  1. starangel82 says:

    I’m with you on the BS. Just cause you like someone does not mean the sex will be good. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt.

  2. browolf says:

    I’d say if you replace the word “like” with “wavelength” there’s more chance of it being true.

  3. TonyImages says:

    mmmm I agree with you and yes simply stated the two are slightly separate BUT can be closely related on many levels. I think further exploration is needed.

  4. queenieNYC says:

    As usual, this is not a black or white issue.

    Will the sex AUTOMATICALLY be good with someone just because you really like them? Of course not., just as sex will not automatically be bad with someone because you’re not terribly into them.

    That said, chances are the sex will be better with someone you’re already connecting with, and if it’s not great at the outset, chances for improvement are far better when you really like someone and feel comfortable talking it out.

    I feel lucky that I’ve never been in the situation you describe, Simone, where the sex with someone you really cared for was consistently blah. That bites.

  5. onedatewonder says:

    Sex is most definitely NOT automatically amazing just because you really really care about someone. In some cases that can be worked out, in some it can’t. And yes, having real feelings for someone will make it more special and more intimate. But it won’t make the actual sex bit any better. I’m thinking the person who said that is either incredibly lucky or incredibly naive.

  6. HollyPage says:

    I definitely don’t think that sex is automatically good with someone you care for. Caring for someone can make sex better, if it is going to be decent or good at all in the first place. But one shouldn’t assume that sex will be good if they like someone and wait. Physical compatibility is a big, and separate, dating component for me.

  7. The Author says:

    Not for nothing, but it’s easy to belittle me (a nice young man? Please, I ain’t that nice or young) and take a quote seriously out of context when you pick and choose what sentence or paragraph you choose to harp on.

    Obviously, my contention isn’t true ALL the time. I make it quite clear earlier in the article that the sex was seriously lacking with the one girl whom I’ve ever truly loved. Everyone has people they like where the sex was less than stellar. However, I do feel that it’s “pretty much” true. That more often than not, when two people like each other, the sex will reflect as such.

    But the larger point I was trying to make, which was totally ignored here, was the point that, for me (and I make it clear that it was solely for me), it seems that holding off on sex with someone that I click with works better than trying to forge an emotional connection with someone just because the sex is explosive, which I’d been doing BECAUSE the sex was lacking with my longtime Ex.

    Is it really that silly of an assertion?

  8. alfabeta says:

    This is just crap. Are they a cult? It definitely sounds like one, preaching the “love will make sex great” BS.

    Unbelievable!

    AB

  9. TerrySimpson says:

    Sex is sex, and relationships are relationships – they don’t always go together, no matter how much you want them to, no matter how hard you try. You want to hold off on sex with someone until you build some emotional bond, or whatever, fine — rather silly, unworldly, and naive, but fine. We are emotional beings, as well as physical beings. We can find people who click with us in different areas, and we can make relationships based on that. Sounds like you are looking for a mate – - and want to make one both work – good luck, and if you want to hold off when the body is calling you – you will miss something

  10. sparklytosingle says:

    Hmmm, I think there’s a middle ground. I don’t think that anything comes with a guarantee when it comes to sex. And I’ve never been one to wait around for a long time to have sex just for the sake of waiting.

    However, I just had an experience this weekend where I slept with someone on the second date. We had an AMAZING first date that went for hours. I really liked him from the time I’d spent with him, but I obviously don’t know him that well. I thought that we had potential though, so I was ok with sex on the second date. And it kind of sucked. The reason it was lacking for me was that it seemed almost mechanical and was totally devoid of affection, in addition to his bedroom skills just not being the greatest in the world. Now this doesn’t always happen when I’ve slept with someone I don’t have strong feelings for, but I think if I had waited a bit longer (just 2 or 3 more dates), if we had more feelings for each other by the time we had sex, at least the affection part would have been there and I think that would have improved things at least to a degree.

    So I guess I would say that I partially agree.

  11. Simone Grant says:

    Sorry I’ve ignored this all day. One of those days.
    So first, let me welcome “The Author” and TonyImages to the blog. This was one of those days where there’s been a lot of Twitter chatter about the blog, but I’m going to keep my comments to what’s on the blog, as not everyone here lives on Twitter the way I do.
    -starangel
    I’m not really a T-shirt slogan person but I’m gonna have to get myself a T-shirt that says that. That is too perfect for me.
    -browolf
    I kinda don’t get what you mean by wavelength.????
    -Tonyimages
    Yes, their related. I’m not so cold and jaded to not be able to agree with that:-)
    -queenieNYC
    Yes, when you are emotionally connected with someone it’s easier to talk about what’s working and try to work it out. And I hope you never have to live through it not working out. Sucks.
    -onedatewonder
    I feel like you and I have been each other’s hallelujah chorus on this. And yes, either incredibly lucky or naive.
    -HollyPage
    That’s it exactly. Caring will make it better if it’s decent in the first place. But sexual compatibility is it’s own thing. Well said.
    -alfabeta
    Yes, darling. They are a cult. They’re called the cult of advice givers. I try to keep my distance. Oh, and happy to see you’ve stopped signing in a anonymous.
    -TerrySimpson
    Yep. No matter how much you want them to, no matter how hard you try. I’m wondering, as you and I are the most, ahem, senior members of this discussion. Is this really something one learns with age and experience. I know I really wasn’t fully aware of how true this was until WELL PAST my 30th birthday. Just a though, for you, as I don’t think anyone else participating in the conversation has the acquired wisdom to look at it in that context.
    -sparklytosingle
    I’m sure if you had waited and developed stronger feelings for him, things would have seemed better. No one here is claiming otherwise. All I am saying is that, for me, I either work with a guy or I don’t on a sexual level. And if I don’t, my feelings about him are irrelevant. It could be love. Doesn’t matter.

    And now for the author-
    I took a whole paragraph (not just a sentence) from a 10 paragraph blogpost, and I provided a link so that people could read the whole thing. Your ideas were not twisted or misrepresented in any way. There is no way anyone could claim that that is out of context.

    I said absolutely nothing about the entirety of your post – including not mocking it. I took issue with your contention that “if two people really like each other, the sex is pretty much automatically gonna be good.” I believe the complete opposite.

    I also believe there’s a false dilemma here. Either build an emotional connection around great sex (which frequently doesn’t work) or hold off on sex until you know someone well and hope that because you have that emotional bond that the sex is going to be good. You say is, “pretty much automatically gonna be good”. Sometimes a sexual relationship is just about sex. To enjoy each other sexually and nothing more. For me, anyway. I don’t tell other people how to live.
    Oh, and honey, you’re 27. You’re a freakin baby.

  12. Momma Sunshine says:

    I was 34 years old before I found out that before that, I’d only ever had MEDIOCRE sex for my entire life…including the 10 years I was with my ex husband. I loved that man very much – but the sex was only “okay”….and once in a while – “good”.

    My current partner? “Good” is probably the worst thing I can say about sex between us – it’s almost always FABULOUS.

    I think it just goes to show that no matter how much you feel about someone, you’re not necessarily going to be sexually compatible with them.

    Great sex doesn’t necessarily lead to a strong emotional bond, it’s true. But I do think that great sex needs to be a part of a strong relationship….

  13. Anonymous says:

    FWIW I dated a gal who was married for 15 years before we met (the divorce became finale a few months before we met). The sex with her ex-husband was really bad, and almost nonexistent for the last three. She really wanted to keep it together, but the lack of sex made her a wreck.

    The funny thing is, she was terrific in bed — I’m talking world class — and no guy had ever told her that! Her husband didn’t know or care, and guys she dated before that… well, I don’t know what they were thinking, but she and they were in their mid-twenties then.

    All that said, I don’t mind the idea of waiting before sex, but I wouldn’t wait too long.

  14. Anonymous says:

    Simply put, no. I’m not sure that I believe that anything is automatic in relationships. bobbyboy

  15. hithatsmybike says:

    I don’t know. I definitely haven’t had sex with enough people to put this to the test =p (and I’m a little sorry about that, to be honest!)

  16. Simone Grant says:

    -Momma Sunshine
    Thank you so much for contributing your story to our conversation. And very well said, “Great sex doesn’t necessarily lead to a strong emotional bond, it’s true. But I do think that great sex needs to be a part of a strong relationship”.
    -Anonymous
    Well, I think this goes back to what I hinted at in my piece. We learn a lot about our bodies and what makes us happy as we age. Women especially, but men too. A person may think something is great sex at 25 and then look back at it 15 years later and think – hell no, that was crap.
    -bobbyboy
    Well said, nothing is automatic in relationships. And thank goodness for that!
    -hithatsmybike :-) Somehow I have a feeling you’ll be happy about your decisions when you’re looking back at your life.

  17. NoBSWoman says:

    Holy crap. What utter garbage! No, caring about someone does *not* make the sex automatically good. In fact, I’ve had to end relationships that were otherwise very good because the sex was abysmal. Now, maybe if I were a guy who could get off anytime I stuffed my goods into whatever orifice was available, I could live with that. But I’m not. I need some interaction to happen.

    Intellectual chemisty <> emotional chemistry <> physical chemistry. And I need all three.

  18. Simone Grant says:

    -NoBSWoman
    I’m with you 100%. Without all 3 it just doesn’t work for me.