Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

My "Blog Policy"

This is going to be one of those times when my bad gets the best of me.  So right off the bat I need to apologize because I have no clue whose blog I read this on.  If someone can remind me I will go back into the post and make the appropriate attributions.  Y’all know I like to link you to smart folks out there.

Sometime in the last week or two (it could maybe even be three) I was reading someone else’s blog and they were talking about their “”.  I’m 95% sure that’s the phrase they used.  This policy was in reference to what they did and didn’t say about the person they were dating.  That’s a big issue for many of us who write specifically about our dating/personal lives.

So here’s my blog policy:  I hope, with the kind of hope that only a jaded 39-yr old woman from NYC can have, that one day I’m actually gonna want to let one of the guys I’m dating into my life.  My whole life.  That I’m going to want to take him to meet my dad and the rest of my whacky family and my totally insane and that I’m going to tell him all about this blog.  And I’m going to invite him to read it.  And he’ll sit down and over the course of a few days or a long night and I’m guessing several glasses of wine or a few beers he’ll read everything I’ve ever written about him.  So I make sure that while I’m actively dating a guy, if I think there’s any hope of him being that guy, the one who gets to read the blog, I leave anything out that I wouldn’t want him to read about himself.

Makes sense?

So if I like someone but there’s something about him that I don’t like and I fear that that’s something he’ll be sensitive about, I probably won’t mention it.  Because I am actually a good person and I do care about other people’s feelings.  A lot.  And I’d never want to hurt someone I care about.  Not intentionally or otherwise.

Add to this the fact that I am still trying to feel out, for myself, what I do and don’t feel comfortable talking about here.  As I’ve said before, I’ve never been the kind of woman to gossip with her friends about .  The thought of blogging the details of my life (and sexual habits, etc) and then going and meeting people for a drink kinda makes my skin crawl.  I’m constantly renegotiating what’s fair game.

Alright, I think I’m done making excuses.  Here’s the deal:

I mentioned in my initial description of the European that he was heavier in person than in his online personal pics and that while it didn’t make me happy I was totally used to guys in their forties being out of shape.  And really, I don’t mind the spare tires.  I dated a personal trainer a few years ago.  He had the most perfect set of abs you’ve ever seen.  But he didn’t come with a mute button so that didn’t work for me (yeah, I just said that).  I’d rather have a guy with a great head on his shoulders than a great set of abs.

Anyway, after our second I realized that the European was actually heavier than I’d realized.  Chubbier.  Chubby.  Whatever he wore on our first hid it well.  But on our second I was kind of overwhelmed by the thought that I might not be able to be physically/sexually attracted to him.  I liked him as a person.  But I just didn’t know.  I’ve never actually dated anyone that heavy before.  I wanted to be open to it, but *sigh*, actually told a friend that I feared the sight of his naked body might repulse me.

Go ahead and be all judgy.   This isn’t a guy who I knew a long time and had developed feelings for.  We’d gone out twice.  And I was still figuring out if I liked him.  And his physical appearance was an issue.  Chubby.  In case you don’t know, that’s me up there in the header.*

So there was that.  And then there was the fact that he was kind of disconnected to what I would consider reality.  He and I could talk about food, art, music, travel – all very high brow stuff.  But he couldn’t have a conversation about stuff that was going on in the city or the nation.  Politics and social issues.  Things that I’m passionate about.  The stuff that used to be my life’s work.

And so by our fourth date I was thinking that he probably was going to be someone I’d see for a few months and have fun with.  A playpal.  We could go to JALC and have great dinners together and it would be fluffy and fun.  If the sex was any good.  If I could be sexually attracted to him.  And that, who knew, maybe it could grow into more, but probably not.

Skip ahead to the night we had sex and…it was fine.  It wasn’t bad.  He passed the test in that it wasn’t bad.  But it was way too, um, for me.  There, I said it.  Stop shaking your heads.  I am not particularly in my sexual tastes/needs/desires.  I don’t need rocky road every time.  But I just can’t deal with pure .  It makes me nuts.  I actually sent an email to my first thing Saturday morning telling him we needed to get together ASAP because nothing makes me hornier than, well, I’m not going to get into exactly what I said.

But I was willing to continue to see him because I was hoping things might get better.  And they weren’t that bad,  Just not that good.

So when the European turned into a freak this weekend, I was sort of relieved.  More than sort of.  But also anxious because it’s just a bad pattern.  But more on that tomorrow.

*Sorry about that folks.  I’ve recently decided to hide my OLD blog(s). I was just the smart thing to do. For those of you who don’t know, the first 2 versions of my blog (on blogspot and OnSugar) had a nearly naked pic of me as the header.  It seemed like a good idea at the time…

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9 to “My "Blog Policy"”

  1. Anonymous says:

    Brilliant post! One of your best.
    I am curious, don’t you fear that one day someone you are or were dating could find out about your blog and secretly read it?

  2. SerialSinner says:

    Nice post SG. And I second your appreciations about excess weight and vanilla sex.
    Excess weight is an obvious deviation from an ideal healthy state (physical and/or mental). Lack of attraction towards an unhealthy person is natural, so who is anyone to criticize you for drawing a line between your acceptable and unacceptable levels of health?
    And vanilla sex is just too….catholic. And boring.

  3. alfabeta says:

    Simone, you never cease to impress!

    When I started reading this post about your “blog policy” I thought we are going to get a lecture about what to avoid when writing our comments, or you would fill us in with your rules, which you did – sort of. When thinking about it, this guy must have really pissed you off that you break your own blog policy not to reveal too many secrets about your personal or sex life. Or maybe you’re hoping the European is secretly reading your blog – just like the anonymous poster suggested – and this is kind of your “revenge” to him for turning into a freak.

    I am just wondering why you would even go out on a third date when you thought he was chubbier than you had remembered from your first date, or more-so, why would you even consider having sex with him when you didn’t even find him attractive? Reading your blog we all know that you were actually “planning” to have sex with him, and he didn’t get the message the first time, so you tried it again on your last date. It’s not that he wanted to get into your pants right away and you had to fight the chubby sucker off.

    This post was phenomenal, I like the way you write and the wittiness inside your words, but is it just me who thinks that you are really really pissed at that guy and you are using your blog to let the steam out?

    What I don’t understand is, why would you want to turn someone into your “playpal”, if you are not attracted to him and couldn’t have a meaningful conversation with, due to his disconnect from reality.

    Come on, Simone. You have dated much better (as in cooler) guys than this one, and you still continued to see him. I’ve also dated many women and some of them told me after the second date that they liked me, but just as a friend.

    Personally I wouldn’t even “touch” a woman that I find unattractive, even if I liked her as a person. But that’s just me, and I am a guy. I don’t know.

    One thing really made me laugh. You described the sex as vanilla, and he texted you the other day how great the sex was.

    I guess I finally understand where the disconnect from reality came from :)


  4. Dont Be a Slut says:

    I am not just chubby. I’m fat. (But I just joined Weight Watchers for the 2nd time, so I’m working on it. 13 pounds down, 77 to go.)

    And even though one of my pet peeves is guys who pay me absolutely no attention when I’m fat and then start drooling when I’m thin, I absolutely, positively understand where you’re coming from.

    I’m not attracted to overweight men. At all. Even though I’m overweight myself, and I know that really wonderful, sexy people exist even in the midst of blubber.

    So, no, that doesn’t make you shallow. Neither does wanting a little extra flavor because a hint of vanilla just ain’t enough.

    Can’t wait to see what happens next…

  5. Shannia says:

    I think you wanted to get to know him because although he was heavier than you thought, you liked him as a person? He did turn you on in a way or else you wouldn’t have gotten naked with him.
    I just met a man, we’ve gone out twice. tomorrow is no3. he’s heavy, chubbier then any man I’ve ever dated but I have a fantastic time with him. He’s sweet, makes me laugh and even if at first glance I don’t find him super sexy, I see the potential in him and want to see past his excess weight.
    I hate the way society stops at how people look. I see older men, chubby men, with a receding hair line and not so great looking hoping to date supermodels. People get with the program, it’s not always about looks.

  6. drumdance says:

    Funny, I had dinner tonight with a girl I met online and we talked about this. She only just started online dating at the insistence of friends (she’s pretty hot and gets hit on all the time, but she tends to fall for emotionally unavailable men). The only other guy she’s met with through the dating service is too chubby. She loved talking to him, but she just couldn’t get into him physically.

    Fortunately for me I’m not too chubby, so we capped off the evening with awesome sex. Rocky Road from the get-go. :)

  7. DC Dating Diva says:

    I like the way you termed it “too Vanilla” … yeah, I’ve never really been a fan of vanilla, unless it’s ontop of Apple Pie or Something…lol, I know what you mean about the kiss & tell thing or TMI and what’s too much or not enough on the blog…like sometimes you have to say/reveal something so that you get the whole picture across, or it can really become one dimensional, and important details that make up what you are trying to convey get lost…someone mentioned on another blog (SBMinNOVA) that it would be interesting to know the other person’s view/opinion, and I thought about that too when we date people….like you may think he’s a little on the “chubby” side, but then maybe he may think you’re on the “too skinny” side…

    I just think the various scenarios are interesting & often think about what would someone’s rebuttal blog post be to something I may have written or said about them

    BTW good post

  8. Simone Grant says:

    Yes, it frightens me because I quite like my life the way it is. I’m not ready for whatever disruption that might cause. But, truthfully, I think it’s already happened at least once or twice. Que sera. And thank you.
    Thanks. It’s hard to know what people might be judgmental about, actually. I’ve been called horrible things for admitting to less.
    I hope my next post cleared up some of your questions. I wanted to sleep with him because I liked him and thought he might make a good companion. But yes I had concerns about whether or not I might be attracted to him. And I really hope he hasn’t found this blog because I wouldn’t want to hurt his feelings. That’s not my style. And thank you.
    -Dont Be a Slut
    Thanks sweetie. I guess I’m always afraid that I will be judged negatively when I say things like that.
    You and I think very similarly about this.
    Lucky you.
    -DC Dating Diva
    Thanks and that’s an interesting point. But I don’t think I want anyone writing a rebuttal blog here. Scary.

  9. grad student says:

    OK.. reviving an old thread here. I am a heavy guy and I get it. You shouldn’t feel bad (or be judged) about who/what you find attractive. It is all personal taste. In fact, I hope you get more comments along the lines of ‘good for you, not being closed-minded and rejecting simply due to weight’. He had characteristics (at least at the time) that were attractive to you so you wanted to see if the physical could be there too. That is very different that simply bashing someone rudely because of their weight

    -Don’t be a slut: Really, a pet peeve that a guy wouldn’t pay attention when you are too heavy for his taste, but that he does when you are lighter? And, you don’t want overweight guys no how, no way. So, I guess once a guy is heavy, you will never have interest no matter what? Being angry (or peeved) at behavior that is the same or similar as your own? Something odd about that

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