Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

I Know What I Said

I know that I’ve said, repeatedly, that this is a dating blog and as such I don’t write about politics or current affairs or even other things that are going on in my life.  I’ve only broken that rule a few times, and each time I had a pretty good reason.

Well, this is going to be one of those times, and I have a pretty good reason.  The California Supreme Court just upheld the the ban on same-sex marriage (also known as prop 8).  The decision preserves 18,000 marriages that were performed during the short time that same-sex marriages were legal and said that same-sex couples had the rights of civil union.

Like a lot of people today, I am disappointed.  More than disappointed- upset.  But not at all surprised.  It seemed likely that this was going to happen.  But that’s not what I wanted to write about.

I’m old, 39.  And so I know a lot of couples who’ve been together for a long time.  Married couples.  And sadly, a lot of the couples I know are having troubles, for one reason or another.  Some have gotten divorced or are in the process of getting divorced.

I have two sets of friends, two couples, who I think of when I think of functional, healthy relationships.  The type of relationship I’d like to have one day.  If I’m lucky.  Each couple has been together for what seems like forever (much longer than a decade, I have no concept of time so can’t remember the exact number of years).  And neither is legally married because they don’t happen to live in states that recognize same-sex marriage.  And that makes me very, very sad.

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15 to “I Know What I Said”


  1. brittanyk says:

    It’s ridiculous, really. Everyone should be entitled to the same rights, despite sexual preference.

  2. bellaressa says:

    I agree Brittany.

  3. starangel82 says:

    I’m saddened by the decision to, but not surprised. At least they upheld the current marraiges… I was really afraid they were going to call those null and void. As one of my friends says, “This is bull. They have the right to be just as miserable as any one else.” In other words, why should marraige just be limited to a man and woman?

    I’m saddened by the decision, but I’ve read some of the ruling… seems like the courts aren’t saying, “We’re anti gay marraige.” I think they are saying that none of the cases were sufficent enough to rule any other way. Maybe someday soon we’ll see progress.

  4. Anonymous says:

    Call it what you want, but same sex couples should not be allowed to marry. Marriage, in the classical sense, is for starting families and children need a father and a mother. Growing up with same sex couples is not going to have a good impact on children.

    When it comes to equal rights, then I agree with all previous posters. Same sex couples should be allowed to form a civil union, just please don’t call it marriage, because that’s not what it is.

  5. Lezzie says:

    As a lesbian, this really saddens me to see. Especially as a lesbian of color. How have we not learned by now? It’s really amazing to me. I can’t believe a group of people who lack compassion have control over who I have the right to marry. It’s ridiculous!
    -Lezzie

  6. drumdance says:

    Hey Anonymous should post-menopausal women who don’t want to adopt not be allowed to marry either? Maybe my 78 yo Dad & his 70 yo girlfriend should settle for a civil union? Are you out pussing for a proposition to make that possible? Didn’t think so.

  7. sfsingleguy says:

    As a San Francisco resident, I get to see a lot of the activism here related to this issue. I have gay friends, I have straight friends. Most of both groups oppose Prop 8.

    Yet I consider myself uninformed on this issue, mostly because I have taken the Carrie Bradshaw view that I’m a second class citizen because I’m single.

    What I’d really like to see on this issue by advocates is reasoned arguments rather than the ‘lets riot because we did not get our way’ responses. There are logical arguments that marriage should only be between a man and a women because the benefits that the state provides are directly related to helping them produce a family, which benefits the state.

    I think the same argument can be made for same sex marriages – that they can produce a stable family which benefits the state. But I haven’t seen any intelligent discourse presenting that argument, and other level headed discussions. And I think that needs to happen to show that this whole issue is a real discussion, and not a spat between two groups with dissimilar interests.

    However, for now I’m single, and I’m advocating for my own right to marry myself and have my friends all send me gifts ;)

  8. queenieNYC says:

    @sfsingleguy: I think the problem is that most people, like our friend Anonymous up there, are not opposed to marriage equality because they haven’t heard a compelling legal argument. Like most discrimination, opposition to this (and to other gay rights efforts) is fueled mainly by fear and judgment. Unfortunately, those two things cannot be battled with a purely legal argument.

    Look at today’s ruling; this is the same court that originally legalized gay marriage on the basis of equality. The full text of the majority opinion seems to communicate heartbreak as much as anything else. They now have their hands tied by the state’s constitution, but you know the ruling today wasn’t based on what’s best for the state on a fiscal or equal rights level – it was a ruling upholding the way the California constitution allows laws to be made.

    Like you, I’m all for level-headed discussion, but I think it’s the opponents to equality who more often take things to the mat and make it into a religious or moral question, rather than keeping the conversation where it belongs, which, in my opinion, is firmly in the civil rights neighborhood. There are legal arguments to be made on all fronts here, but it’s hard to argue with bigotry.

  9. pansophy says:

    @Anonymous – Just FYI findings from multiple studies do not support the claim that children do more poorly with same-sex parents, and I wasn’t able to find one that did show that…

    The more I write and think about this one the more depressed I get about the capacity of people. We’re stupid and we aren’t getting any smarter anytime soon…

  10. Shannia says:

    I have 2 parents of opposite sex (and religion) and believe me growing up in my house was totally confusing and somehow quite dysfonctionnal so really who are we to judge, especially to judge love. When I think of loving relationships the 2 people that come to my mind are my 2 gay friends that have been toguether 12 years. The love they share is so beautiful and if they where to get married, I would totally support it.

  11. StephanieRae says:

    I was so sad when I found out that they were upholding it. I just not fair. It’s like Animal Farm, some gays are more equal than other gays. It’s infuriating

  12. hithatsmybike says:

    god what’s it like living in the 1800′s, America?

    Epic fail.

    Again.

  13. Lezzie in da city says:

    I thought you’d appreciate this since it is in support of Prop 8. I interview celebrities who support gay marriage. Please pass this on if you’re so willing –

    thanks!

  14. Simone Grant says:

    I’m not jumping in to stir the pot. Just to add, for sfsingleguy that if he wants to read some really great reasoned arguments about why same-sex marriage should absolutely be legal he should check out Andrew Sullivan at the Daily Dish. He is eloquent, passionate and very reasonable on this and most topics (I don’t agree with him on all political issues, but I admire his writing ability and his ability to be cogent no matter how heated the debate gets).

    Thanks everyone for your comments, even those I strongly disagree with.

  15. sfsingleguy says:

    Just for the record, I absolutely do think it should be legal. I don’t think the government should be sticking it’s nose in the civil affairs of two people (or one person for that matter) unless they are stepping on the rights of others.

    I don’t remember seeing a lot of campaigning against it in San Francisco, so I didn’t really look too hard at the details of the issue until the uproar started on November 5th. But also for the record, I voted no on prop 8 :)