Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Back in the Game

So much has happened in the last few days.  But then, nothing has actually happened.

The European had dutifully been texting me good morning just about every day since our third date. Plus some additional texts later in the day.  I heard from him Saturday night that he’d actually been home sick for most of the day.  So Sunday morning I texted him good morning and asked him how he was feeling.  I thought it was appropriate as he’d been doing the same for me when I was unwell.

Then, later I did something which in hindsight I guess was naive.  There was a silly personal project I needed to do and I thought he might enjoy helping me with it.  So I asked him if he was free that night.  I specifically said, “I don’t suppose you’re free”.  Because I figured he wouldn’t be.  It was last minute.  His reply was a little bizarre.  He got defensive and said that he was very busy and mentioned something that I know he’s got coming up next week and said he’d be busy until then (this was no more than an hour after he sent me a silly text in which he called me beautiful and mentioned the great sex from a couple of nights earlier which, btw, was good but not great).

Well OK.  I didn’t reply.  And I haven’t head from him since (this is the longest I’ve gone without hearing from him in over a week).  And honestly, I’m not sure how much I care.  I like the guy, but not enough to be all anguished if he were to disappear tomorrow.

In other news, I unhid my profiles on and and even shelled out the dough for one month’s silver membership on nerve so that I could send as many messages as I want without having to worry about it (on nerve, you can reply for free but can either pay per message to initiate or pay for premium membership).  Almost immediately I was engaged in a fun little email volley with a totally inappropriate man.

I know that it’s only a matter of time before The European sees that my OKCupid account has been reactivated.  He brought up the fact that it was hidden a couple of weeks ago, and I explained that I did that when I was out of town and overwhelmed with everything that’s been raining down on me lately.  I also learned (I saw it when I was checking to see if there was anyone new in the pool) that he has a gold membership on nerve.  So he’s bound to see me there, too.

Give my track record with Mr. Potential and how weird he got with me after I hid my profile, I’m hoping the fact that I’ve now gone back online is a good thing.  That the European will see this as me not putting any relationship pressure on him.  If it matters to him at all.  Which I’m not sure it will.  Maybe he was all nice-nice, pretending to be a great guy but the truth is that he’s just interested in getting what he can’t have and now that the chase is over he’s bored.

And I’m not all that sure I care one way or the other.  I have no patience for games.  None. And he was kind of a freak on Sunday.

All I do know is that I’m back in the dating game.  And that I haven’t completely lost interest in the European and so if he wants to try to have me in his life he’s going to have to continue to make an effort.


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9 to “Back in the Game”


  1. Miss Pink Slip says:

    God, I hated online dating. It added a whole other layer of games. A guy I met on Match.com last summer dumped me (the night before I was laid off, of course) and that night his profile was already up and active. He’d probably been planning it for days and had already scheduled new dates! Asshole.

  2. pansophy says:

    All I can say over and over is that the rules of dating and the rules of relationships are different.

    The sooner someone realizes that the rules of dating are great for sex and temporary infatuation and are terrible for finding lasting love the sooner that person will escape the dating game and be open to love.

  3. Simone Grant says:

    -Miss Pink Slip
    I have no specifically negative feelings towards online dating (obviously). I just think that’s it’s a convenience. And if someone has the tendency to be a player then online dating is going to make that a heck of a lot easier for them. Man or woman. Oh well.
    -pansophy
    I honestly have no idea what you mean. Perhaps you see that as my “problem”. I was playing by any rules at all. Just doing what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it. Those are my rules.

  4. pansophy says:

    -Simone
    The comment isn’t directed at you per se…just the idea that dating leads to relationships, which it isn’t really designed to do. It’s sort of a strange accident when it happens and often you find that people say they ‘skipped’ all the normal dating stuff and just sort fell into their relationship right off the bat.

  5. Anonymous says:

    sounds like an eventful weekend – or not. Nobody knows what his intentions were, except for The European himself. Personally I think that with online dating also comes high-level communication. We don’t do phonecalls anymore, we email and text. Seems convenient, but it is so easy to misinterpret text messages and leave a lot to our imagination. And you wouldn’t even know that you have been misunderstood, because you are not getting any feedback.

    Then I think people, especially in New York, are having sex too soon. I am not saying that we should wait 90 days like that guy in his book, but if you are having sex too early, you are giving away too much. This is totally ok if you are just looking for someone to have just sex with, but if you are looking for a boyfriend, you might want to let him wait longer. I agree with you on finding out soon enough if he is good in bed or not, but even there you seem to disagree with him. For him it was great, for you “just” good.

    I kinda agree with pansophy. Dating is more casual, it’s not designed to find boyfriend material. It’s a totally different game.

    AB

  6. Anonymous says:

    Oh, one more thing. When I was mentioning the lack of communication, because we prefer emails and texts over phonecalls or face to face conversations, this also extends to subtle messaging like what you are doing with unhiding your online profile. He might get the message and will feel less relationship pressured, or he might think you are not interested in him anymore because he hasn’t called for one day or he might just don’t care. What I am saying is, if you want him to know a particular thing about you, why just not tell him directly?

    AB

  7. Anonymous says:

    Hey Simone. Your European sounds like mine- not mine we broke up. He’s not a Turkish real estate developer you met on Match perchance? Probably not, but there a lot of these men out there. Very smooth, old world manners, but also very secretive and controlling. From what I’ve read, you’re better off alone.

  8. Simone Grant says:

    -pansophy
    Your comment reminds me of a conversation I had on Twitter a few days ago about arranged marriages. They have a very high success rate, even here in the states. Anyway, I have no idea how one would skip dating, unless they were to have an arranged marriage. Not in our culture. It’s the hand I’m dealt and I’m playing it.
    -AB
    I don’t agree with the whole, no one uses the phone anymore. I’ve had recent relationships where we spoke often. Not long talks, but just quickly. I know that going forward I’m not going to put myself in a situation where I have to rely on texts to communicate with the guy I’m dating. It feels childish to me.
    -Anonymous
    We met on OKC. Sadly, there are just lots and lots of guys out there that neither one of us really want to date:-)

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