Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

You Asked

And now for our weekly break from all of my nonsense.  It’s another installment of our, “A Guy’s Story” series.  This week we have a special treat.  I asked the very talented Tranq Jones if he would be interested in submitting something for us.   And he was.  Now, I never know what to expect before I receive these stories and they pretty much always surprise me.  Tranq certainly didn’t disappoint. 

“I once had a date say to me in the first 15 minutes of our 1st date, “Tell me all about yourself and don’t leave anything out.” 

My answer? 

“Okay, let’s start with sex…  I’ll show you every trick I know, right here on the table of La Esquina.  We won’t get to them all before the restaurant closes, but I think this scenester-y downtown crowd would TOTALLY appreciate it.   AND…. they’d probably kick in to buy us a few shots of that supremely poetic, hallucinogenic, tequila.  Are you game?”

She looks at me with clearly defined, non-verbal, shock and awe…  ‘are you for real?’

“You wanted to know everything and this is as good a place to start as any…” 

Always the gentleman, I stop to consider those in the restaurant I’m sharing a dining experience with this evening.  “Excuse me…”  I stand and deliver.  “May I please have everyone’s attention for a moment?  My date and I would like to have sex on our table. It would be rude though to just go at it unless you’re all okay with it…  so I’m asking up front if anyone here would mind?”

In the woods, pure silence is beautiful. 
In a restaurant, you know something’s up. 

I look over at my date.  Her lips move in weird gyrations one way.  Her jaw gyrates in a haphazard oblong yet another way.  It’s the same way that talking horse Mr. Ed used to move his lips, teeth, and jaw (in that ancient TV show) except no words are coming out.  Mr. Ed eventually spoke though, and my date doesn’t look like she’ll be offering more than a snort anytime soon.  I even have an urge to offer her a lump of sugar.  Oh wait, in a way…  I already did.

There’s a murmur throughout the room.  Then suddenly…  there is applause.  I grin.  The red light is now green.  I stretch out my arm stiff and joyfully sweep the table of plates and silverware, ignoring the fact the margaritas are half-full.  I’m thinking…  FINALLY!  A date with the necessary spontaneity to keep up with me!  I flick any remaining tortilla chip flecks from the silky hardwood dining surface… because the last thing you want is corn chips sticking to your ass when having sex on a table in a restaurant..  With the crumbs and china jettisoned, I look over at my date and extend her a sensitive hand. 

Mr. Ed speaks.  “If you think I’m going to have sex with you here… you are out of your fucking mind.”

“But I thought you wanted to know everything… and don’t leave anything out.”

My date gets up and storms off.  I don’t bother to chase her because… screw that!  She really didn’t want to know everything.  And she certainly didn’t want to put in any effort to get to know me, based on the ultra-lame declaration, ‘tell me everything..’

My fellow dining compadres sigh a collective…  awwwwww.  Within moments, pity drinks start flowing my way.  I hate this.  Not the drinks, the pity.  No one should ever be made to feel pitiful for laying themselves on the line.  Putting yourself out there in any form is something to celebrate.  I order mega plates of tapas and share them with everyone in the restaurant.  I go from table-to-table, socializing, getting to ‘know’ people. 

and this is the point…

Getting to know someone is an unfolding process.  It’s a delicious journey.  It happens naturally in moments when you just show up with who you are…  and let the chemistry set twirl it’s explosive ingredients.  You want to know everything about me?  Stick around and let it slowly unfold.  That’ll be much more fun than if I just tell you.  (and it will spare you from being subjected to my sense of humor.)”

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13 to “You Asked”


  1. SpikeTheLobster says:

    *Speechless*
    (and that doesn’t happen often, as you know!)

  2. PiscesInPurple says:

    THIS IS MADE ENTIRELY OF AWESOME.

  3. sfsingleguy says:

    Rock. Star.

  4. Shannia says:

    Loving it !!!!

  5. Simone Grant says:

    It certainly put a giant smile on my face. I just realized that I’d forgotten (stupid girl) to put in a link to Tranq’s site. All fixed.

  6. darkheath says:

    wow. clap….. clap…. clap…. clap. clap. clap. clapclapclapclapclapclap >>>>

  7. pansophy says:

    I just have to wonder what we would all be saying if we read this woman’s blog about her worst date ever…where a guy actually asked her to have sex in the middle of a restaurant on their first date.

    What’s freedom for one person can be oppressive to another.

  8. darkheath says:

    @pansophy

    You’re absolutely right. I just wanted to start one of those movie “slow claps”. ;-)

    I was actually thinking (hoping) it was more metaphorical about how to get to know one another. If this truly happened… eh, ouch.

  9. Shannia says:

    @ pansophy
    “tell me everything about yourself and don’t leave anything out”
    come on ! So maybe the reaction was a bit extreme… lol but the way I got this is that he’s spontaneous with a wacky sense of humor… lol Or he simply can’t stand phony women on dates anymore.
    my reaction in her shoes. I would’ve totally played along, NOT have sex on the table obviously (I know I am boring that way) but why not have fun with it? Breaks the ice and shoes him you can be a bit of a nutjob yourself.
    And if she wanted to know “everything” she definately wanted to know about sex….

  10. pansophy says:

    @Shannia Don’t get me wrong. I’ve had sex in a public place more than once, so its not the idea of it that bothers me. But then this has nothing to do with sex and has everything to do with control. His actions masked in the guise of sexual freedom and social liberation are really just a power play to establish dominance. What’s fun and free about that??

    If I’m reading the situation wrong then so be it, but if that’s the case then he must have simply horrible social skills because she didn’t play along but walked out. Way to read the situation accurately!?

    But personally I think he has a lot of social skill, decided he wasn’t interested, or was bored, or whatever, and proceeded to entertain himself at her expense.

    Why should I applaud that?

  11. @luckychica says:

    Tranq Jones, I kind of love you.
    Well done.

  12. Anonymous says:

    Way to go! After such a lame first round job interview question, I would have walked out. Our friend however, turned the thing around and made his date look like a fool.
    Stupid questions are crying for stupid reactions.
    What if she had played along?

    AB

  13. TranqJones says:

    This was my favorite response: “I just have to wonder what we would all be saying if we read this woman’s blog about her worst date ever…where a guy actually asked her to have sex in the middle of a restaurant on their first date.”

    I would LOVE to have seen the other view. Maximum perspective is a sure fire way to grow. (For everyone involved.)

    Reading a story by the way is very much like dating… you interact with a ‘piece’ of someone, and you interpret based on who you are. The interpretation is different for everyone. When I write, I’m very aware of what details I choose to include, leave out, or take some creative license to. The goal is always to inspire deeper thinking… on the way to ultimately making a connection. Whether we personally contrast or connect with something (or someone), the ability to spend a little time learning to understand all those nuances on numerous levels is always enlightening. Always.

    Happy dating, Simone ;)


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