And now for our weekly break from all of my nonsense. It’s another installment of our, “A Guy’s Story” series. This week we have a special treat. I asked the very talented Tranq Jones if he would be interested in submitting something for us. And he was. Now, I never know what to expect before I receive these stories and they pretty much always surprise me. Tranq certainly didn’t disappoint.
“I once had a date say to me in the first 15 minutes of our 1st date, “Tell me all about yourself and don’t leave anything out.”
“Okay, let’s start with sex… I’ll show you every trick I know, right here on the table of La Esquina. We won’t get to them all before the restaurant closes, but I think this scenester-y downtown crowd would TOTALLY appreciate it. AND…. they’d probably kick in to buy us a few shots of that supremely poetic, hallucinogenic, tequila. Are you game?”
She looks at me with clearly defined, non-verbal, shock and awe… ‘are you for real?’
“You wanted to know everything and this is as good a place to start as any…”
Always the gentleman, I stop to consider those in the restaurant I’m sharing a dining experience with this evening. “Excuse me…” I stand and deliver. “May I please have everyone’s attention for a moment? My date and I would like to have sex on our table. It would be rude though to just go at it unless you’re all okay with it… so I’m asking up front if anyone here would mind?”
In the woods, pure silence is beautiful.
In a restaurant, you know something’s up.
I look over at my date. Her lips move in weird gyrations one way. Her jaw gyrates in a haphazard oblong yet another way. It’s the same way that talking horse Mr. Ed used to move his lips, teeth, and jaw (in that ancient TV show) except no words are coming out. Mr. Ed eventually spoke though, and my date doesn’t look like she’ll be offering more than a snort anytime soon. I even have an urge to offer her a lump of sugar. Oh wait, in a way… I already did.
There’s a murmur throughout the room. Then suddenly… there is applause. I grin. The red light is now green. I stretch out my arm stiff and joyfully sweep the table of plates and silverware, ignoring the fact the margaritas are half-full. I’m thinking… FINALLY! A date with the necessary spontaneity to keep up with me! I flick any remaining tortilla chip flecks from the silky hardwood dining surface… because the last thing you want is corn chips sticking to your ass when having sex on a table in a restaurant.. With the crumbs and china jettisoned, I look over at my date and extend her a sensitive hand.
Mr. Ed speaks. “If you think I’m going to have sex with you here… you are out of your fucking mind.”
“But I thought you wanted to know everything… and don’t leave anything out.”
My date gets up and storms off. I don’t bother to chase her because… screw that! She really didn’t want to know everything. And she certainly didn’t want to put in any effort to get to know me, based on the ultra-lame declaration, ‘tell me everything..’
My fellow dining compadres sigh a collective… awwwwww. Within moments, pity drinks start flowing my way. I hate this. Not the drinks, the pity. No one should ever be made to feel pitiful for laying themselves on the line. Putting yourself out there in any form is something to celebrate. I order mega plates of tapas and share them with everyone in the restaurant. I go from table-to-table, socializing, getting to ‘know’ people.
and this is the point…
Getting to know someone is an unfolding process. It’s a delicious journey. It happens naturally in moments when you just show up with who you are… and let the chemistry set twirl it’s explosive ingredients. You want to know everything about me? Stick around and let it slowly unfold. That’ll be much more fun than if I just tell you. (and it will spare you from being subjected to my sense of humor.)”No tags for this post.