Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

7 Things Women Won’t Tell Men

Earlier this week I told you about that Dating Boot Camp I attended and the list they had of Things Won’t Tell You.  It got me to thinking of all of the things that I haven’t told over the years, but wished they knew.   You know, the stuff that would actually make them smarter and our relationships potentially more functional.

I’ve titled this, “7 Things Women Won’t Tell Men”, because I am a woman.  I know that, of course, I don’t speak for all women and that, in fact, there are women who won’t agree with me on some or all of these.  So please women, chime in and correct me in the comments.

1) If I have to tell you what I want I won’t want it anymore.  No, I’m not looking for a mind reader.  But if I constantly have to be the one who’s always deciding where to go and what to do, and always telling you what pleases me (because otherwise you’re utterly clueless) I will be completely turned off.

2) I will be offended if you focus too much on my looks.

3) I will be offended if you don’t acknowledge my looks regularly. And yes, I can see how numbers 2 and 3 don’t leave a guy much room to get things right.   Sucks.

4) I don’t want to do the whole ‘meet your friends thing’ unless we have some potential for working out. Otherwise it just seems a little bit too much like being trotted out as the flavor of the month.

5) I’m pretty open-minded.  If there’s some kink or quirk that you’re waiting 2 or 3 months to tell me, please don’t wait.  What a waste of time.  Can’t we please just get that stuff out in the open right away? What’s the worst that can happen – I break things off?  My reaction isn’t going to be different in 3 months.  And who knows, things could work out better than you ever expected.  Why wait to find out?

6) There is no gift big enough to make me forget the lie you told.  I might forgive you, but I’ll never forget. Please don’t assume that because you can buy me an expensive, “I’m sorry” gift that you can get away with treating me poorly.  Your gifts really do mean nothing to me.

7) Not all women want , kids or even .  Please don’t make assumptions about what I want.


Tags: , , , , ,

31 to “7 Things Women Won’t Tell Men”


  1. starangel82 says:

    I completely agree with #5. And #6… I do love gifts, but when they mean something or are a ‘just-because’ gift. I don’t love, ‘sorry, I was an ass, but will you forgive and forget anyway gifts’. Like you, I won’t forget and those gifts really don’t mean anything to me.

  2. jenmata says:

    I agree with your points here. I would add to number 7 that not all women want the same things with all guys. There are guys I’ve dated even though I knew it would never amount to anything, meaning I would have never even thought of marrying them, even though I do want to get married someday.

  3. queenieNYC says:

    All of these ring true for me, especially numbers 5 and 7. It’s amazing how people (not just men, and not just men I date) assume that, because I’m a woman, I have some sort of overarching, pre-programmed homing mechanism set to “Babies. Babies. BAY-BEEEEES!!!!”

  4. FitDarcie says:

    I think you’re way off in #1, I let guys know all the time what I want…it’s the only way to get it. Men are clueless. I also don’t agree with the gift thing. There are nice big gifts out there that will help me forget anything. The dirtier the deed, the shinier the gift.

  5. TerrySimpson says:

    From a guy’s perspective:

    We want to know what you want and like, and might like to introduce you to a few places/things that we do.

    While looks are a part of the attraction – a focus on them is sometimes misunderstood. We may admire them, but most of the time that admiration fades as we want to find out a bit about you.

    It is a fine line – eh – -and I promise you, we guys cross it too often. So, yes, we are in trouble.

    Most guys don’t want to introduce the new lady to their friends for a while. The hang outs we have with the boys is not where we want someone we are dating. When I go to the cigar shop, it is to be with the guys– please do not be offended if you are not included in them. If I golf, and you don’t — I really don’t want you on the golf course with me. Yes, we may have had a great morning, with great sex and wonderful breakfast– but golf is for me and my buds. Not that we are ashamed, but we will introduce you sometime. If there is some function, you may be introduced sooner.

    quirks — yes, we all have a few.

    Most guys are into forgive and remember – -it is what we do in business. We think gifts are not for serious infractions of a relationship – but for things like– oh, I was suppose to pick you up at 8 and it is 8:30 — or, I had to stay late and cancel a date. We sometimes treat you poorly not because it is in our nature- but sometimes we have a bit too much going on in life, and we think we can keep it all going. We do mean well — most of the time.

    Men are not all into marriage, kids, and deep relationships either. Sometimes all assume we are. Sometimes we want something simple and easy, and not involved. Sometimes it turns into things- but most of the time we do not walk into a date with expectations of the next one, or the future. Experienced men have minimal expectations, and like to see what happens.

    Just a simple answer from a guys point of view. Hand me the blindfold, cigar — and fire

  6. lostplum says:

    Number 6 couldn’t be more true! (I have to disagree with FitDarcie here) I have “big shinny blow your mind $$$$$” gifts from x’s who although I might have forgiving them, I look at that stuff and still can remember what they did, even 10 years after the fact.

    Don’t get me started on number 7! seriously…. don’t get me started!

    Also, my own add on: “HAVE A PLAN!” you don’t have to have a play-by-play, but guys who can’t make up there mind or wont “pick / set’ something make me want scream!

    But as we learned at “dating boot camp” you can’t change a guy, you just need to find a way to ‘manage’ him. ;)

  7. darkheath says:

    Well I understand the tough line to walk between #s 2 & 3. On the one hand, too much would certainly seem the guy is only interested in how you look, too little and… well everyone needs some reassurance now and then. I actually like to think I’m pretty good at walking that tightrope.

    The one, of course, that’s the most dangerous to any potential relationship on this list is #1. While I like to think I’m pretty good at noticing the little things about my partner (thus knowing things she likes), this statement: “If I have to tell you what I want I won’t want it anymore.” is full of female hypocracy. One of the biggest gripes females generally have about their mates is that there’s not enough communication in the relationship. So why play this “game” (that’s really all it is) for the sake of seeing some “confidence or decision” in your man? I’m actually really curious about this, Simone. I’d love to hear some reasoning behind this. I’ve mentioned to you that I have a lot more “female” attributes than most guys, so open communication is high on my list. Why would you not want an open, honest relationship instead of this guessing game. The fact is, Hon… the more you are open about your wants and needs… the more he will know what you want, like, need in the future.

    Perhaps what you are looking for in #1 IS attainable, but it’s not something that happens within the 1st year or so of a relationship. That’s one I think you need to put on the shelf until you’ve been with someone for a while. Actually… now that I look at it again… #1 & #5 are in direct contrast of each other. Read them again. You’re asking HIM to “just get that stuff out in the open right away?” but in number one, you want him to know you well enough to just figure it out.

  8. iamalejandra says:

    I am with @lostplum on #6 … the shiny gift is a constant reminder that you f***ed up in some way AND then tried to buy my forgiveness. Awful.

    One thing I never tell men: if I hate their parents or not. I am usually all about honesty, but this is one department where I’m willing to lie a little bit.

    And one more thing @darkheath … re: #1 there are some guys like you out there who try and pick up on the details and try to learn things about their partners and eventually us girls don’t have to be teeling them all the time our wants/needs. BUT there are some guys who don’t care enough to learn. They want to be spoon-fed everything, that’s when it becomes a turn off. No, we don’t expect men to be mind readers, but at the same time there are men who just never put in the effort to pick up on the little details.

  9. Simone Grant says:

    Thanks so much ladies for chiming in with your additions and/or amens.
    -Terry, I appreciate your list. And you are write, there are two sides to all of these. I know that when I mentioned the gifts and forgiving/forgetting I wasn’t talking about someone being an hour late :-)
    -Darkheath, I know that number 1 might seem nutty and I wrote it somewhat comically on purpose. The fact of the matter is that not all people belong together. Some men are confident in what they like, checking certainly to make sure that their date is happy too, and then go ahead and make decisions. Others are petrified to make decisions for fear of picking something that will displease the woman. My attitude is – go ahead and pick something. Yes, I might not like it. But I’ll like you a lot more for showing your actual tastes and preferences than hiding them. And if it turns out that our tastes and preferences are too dissimilar for us to be good together then let’s find that out.

    I have no trouble stating my likes and dislikes. But it will be repulsive to me if a guy can’t take the lead without double checking with me first. And yes, I realize that this might not be entirely fair.

  10. Anonymous says:

    Hahaha, numbers 1, 2, and 3 ring SO true!

  11. pansophy says:

    For the the guys this means…

    #1 Translation: Women want to be understood (men want to be accepted – A subtle but important difference…)

    #2 Translation: Women are taught since birth that their looks are their one true value and are fighting that (#3 Translation:) but deep down they believe it.

    #4 Translation: See above plus a cautious approach. Some women are the opposite…

    #5: Women will always have their double standards!! LOL
    Remember this one when you hold off telling your date that you have been writing about your experience with him on a blog the whole time!! :-D

    #6: See #1. Gift doesn’t work if it feels like avoiding #1. See #2. Gift doesn’t work if it feels like it is an exchange of goods (and the ability to do whatever one wants) for her appearance and tolerance. See #3. Take care of #1 and #2…then get the gift.

    #7 translation: See #2. Not all women want to be trapped into a definition of who they should be and what they should want out of life. Marriage and kids aren’t the meaning of life for everyone, its true, but show me a woman (or man for that matter) that is madly in love for over a year and I bet the vast vast majority of them at least consider the possibility of marriage and kids

  12. Global Patriot says:

    I’m still laughing at #2 & #3 – and the concept applies to both physical form and fashion. It mus also be stated that every woman is quite different on this topic. It usually takes me a bit of ‘experimentation’ to find the right balance. Didn’t notice the new shoes? In the doghouse. Too many complements on the shoes, and you might hear “they’re only shoes, you got a fetish or something?”

    Bottom line, if I’m with a woman it’s because I like the whole package (though who she is always trumps what she looks like) and try to recognize all aspects, from looks to smarts to humor. In fact, the most attractive women are those who challenge my mind, make me laugh & turn me on.

  13. Relyas says:

    This seems dangerously counterproductive to the health of your relationship. You say that you want things to be more functional, but I feel like you’re really saying, “This relationship isn’t about us, it’s about me.”

  14. Simone Grant says:

    -pansophy
    Why do I always feel as though you’ve put so much more thought into my posts that I have? But then, you are a great thinker and I am just a silly dating blogger.
    -Global Patriot
    So glad I could make you laugh. It is funny. And true. And yes, most women want to be seen as the whole package, but we do get sensitive about the looks thing.
    -Relyas
    Welcome to the blog. I’m not quite sure I understand your comment. What relationship? The theoretical one between me and the guy I’m telling these things to. How is wishing he could know some simple things about how I think counterproductive?

  15. Hypatia says:

    Yup, yup, yup! Those all ring true for me!!!

    Especially # 2&3….

    I don’t think it’s actually that difficult a line to walk for a man– if he’s SMART.

    Basically, be honest & sincere when you notice something you like about the way I look…. and STFU when I’ve gained 5 pounds, or you hate my impractical shoes, or my new haircut is unflattering. Believe me… I ALREADY know all those things, and YOU pointing it out is NOT going to make it better! .

    Yeah. Sucks.

  16. Sergiu says:

    @Hypatia, that is the most hypocrite and funny thing I read all day. It’s like the “You go down on me but I won’t go down on you” game. :))))

  17. Anonymous says:

    I agree with every one of your items.
    And #2 and #3 aren’t totally contradictory. Don’t admire looks out of a sense of obligation but don’t be afraid to say you like what you see. BIG difference. That’s actually the same for the gifts. Don’t do anything because you have to, do it because you want to. It’s only when you clearly don’t want to that a lot of women become offended.

  18. S. Henely says:

    Really?? Stumbled this same article, I am not sure what I have selected as my preferences, but even with a thumbs down….

    You deleted my post?? What, did actually calling you out on one of your points make you shrink back? I assume that is why it was deleted instead of, you know, actually rebutting my point. If you cannot handle differing opinions, then do not have a blog. Also, I did not have any bad language, so that could be no excuse.

    I post under my real name, and put in my real email address. I am not afraid, why are you? Show a backbone, reply to my original post instead of just shutting out different opinions.

  19. Simone Grant says:

    -S Henely
    Your comment was deleted because it was rude and aggressive. Differing opinions are not only tolerated on this blog but also playfully encouraged. However, this blog is like my home. And just as I would not allow someone to come into my home and scream insults at me, I will not allow people to scream insults on my blog. My comments policy is a simple one. Be polite.

    Now please go find something better to do then leave long-winded, rude comments on a blog you purport to dislike intensely.

  20. S. Henely says:

    I feel my second comment, the one you replied to, was far more aggressive then my first. Once again, I make the point that by definition when you forgive someone, you no longer hold the infraction against them(aka you forget). You cannot have one without the other. I again make the comment, again, that perhaps you need to look upon yourself. This article is complaining about men, and do not try and say otherwise, it is a list of complaints, but perhaps it is you who expects things from either relationships or men that for all intents and purposes is an unreachable goal.

    Secondly, and this is new material, a man does not go out of his way to introduce random’s(flavor of the months) to his friends. If you are meeting them, then it means he is seeing how you interact with them. If he breaks up with you shortly after you meet or hang out with them, there is a good chance that it was because of your interactions. I have had many girls treat my friends less then stellar, and they were always broken up with within the fortnight, usually as soon as I have someone else lined up.

    And as I said in the first post as well, I agree with 5 and 7. I understand two and three, but the amount of praise that I give to a girl for her looks directly correlates to how much effort she puts into them when it is for my benefit. If you glam up during the week when you are at school/work and let yourself slack on weekends when you are hanging out with me or at my house, then you are not going to get as many compliments, no matter how sexy you look during the week.

  21. S. Henely says:

    Wish I had proofread that, I repeated a few of my qualifiers, and made myself look bad.

  22. S. Henely says:

    Oh and btw, my complaining about stumble was actually a compliment. People seem to like your blog enough to rate it up constantly. I have hit some other pages of it as well over the past few days. I do not hate your blog specifically, just the subject. I would grouse no matter whose blog it is when I stumble upon dating tips.

  23. Anonymous says:

    2. I will be offended if you weigh less than 100 pounds.
    3. I will be offended if you weigh more than 115 pounds.

    That doesn’t give women much room to get things right. Sucks.

    Hit the treadmill.

  24. Steve M says:

    I’m mixed on #7. As a single guy, part of me likes the idea of a single woman who is out to make a connection rather than looking for a relationship. This hints of the possibility that a woman might actually be less interested in me as a paycheck or a potential parent. A truly independent woman can buy her own house and wants to be with me because of who I am and not to fill some void.

    I don’t think that most women are overly focused on these things but I have dated and have been extremely close to a lot of women who place a great deal of emphasis on a man’s capacity to provide and a be a good father and not on our compatibility as a couple.

    However, I do have to say that #7 is ridiculously rare. I know a lot of women who will say that they could care less about marriage but life is short and 40 comes up on you fast and that’s a pretty hard deadline for women, unlike men who are virile well into their 70′s.

    So do men assume that you want a relationship, kids and monogamy? Hell yes, it’s a very safe bet lol. And the truth is that most men are hoping that you don’t want these things.

    #1 is a ridiculous paradox. If you don’t tell us, you won’t get it and if you do tell us you don’t want it anymore. Now, c’mon, who really needs to make the adjustment here, the guy who doesn’t have the information needed to provide his partner with what she needs or the crazy person with communication issues? :) Seriously though, a husband after years and years will really learn to read his wife and will know in general what she needs and when she needs it. And you want this what, before we have you meet our friends and family?

    Nice post though. I had a long and interesting single life before I got married and it is interesting to read what people say about modern single life now that I am single again.

  25. A.T. says:

    #1 and #5 expose a pretty high level of hypocrisy. So you want guys to tell you what they want, what gets them going, but you expect them to be able to figure out your kinks on their own (or you won’t want it anymore). *sigh*

  26. Anonymous says:

    @darkheath: The fact about #1, in my case, is that I’m actually both indecisive myself at times and open to new things. I evaluate compatibility with a new partner by seeing what kinds of things he suggests. I enjoy having the guy take the lead.

  27. Anonymous says:

    @A.T. No – I don’t expect them to tell me any more than I tell them. I also disagree with 5. I will do things for someone I’m serious with and maybe love that I won’t do for someone I’m seeing more casually, so I feel you do wait to talk about some things.

  28. Filipina Girl says:

    I like idea #2 because there are times that guys seem to be more particular and focused on how a girl looks like and tend to ignore some other beautiful characteristics of a girl.

  29. Datehater says:

    So true! I’m going to link this entry on my blog :)

  30. ebertje says:

    I totally agree with numbers 1 and 7! #1, I think, is particularly true in regards to sex! If I make advances and they’re kind of ignored because you’re wrapped up in work or on your computer and then 5 minutes later you make advances, I’m going to act like that’s the furthest thing from my mind! And personally, I think #7 should apply to everyone, not just men! I find that usually there’s more women (mainly married women who have children) who assume that that’s what you want to! I personally would like to get married, but the idea of kids makes me a little sick to my stomach, and since I’m still young (in my mid twenties) people still say to me, “Oh, you’ll change your mind” (or something to that affect)! It’s frustrating!

  31. This is pretty accurate. I think it’s really important for men to realize overall– Women and Men are different and we’ll never be the same. All we can hope is to recognize our differences before they destroy our relationships..
    -Sylvia