Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Things I Learned In Dating Bootcamp – #1

I apologize for the late posting everyone. As many of you know, I suffer from chronic insomnia and going into yesterday it had been a couple days since I’d slept.  I got in last night and went right to bed and just woke up a few minutes ago.  I didn’t sleep through the night, but I got enough sleep to be relatively coherent today-yay.

OK, apologies aside.  Last night, me and my friend @lostplum attended something called a Dating Boot Camp.  I’ll probably be writing several posts about it over the next few weeks.  Now, full disclosure here, I was invited to this thing by a PR person (Otherwise, I never would have gone. I don’t really go in for these things and tend to believe that most dating experts are full of shit.)  I guess she hoped I’d say all kinds of nice stuff about it.

Well, there were several interesting points made during the evening.  And many laughable ones. Many.  Many.  And some that are just contentious.  For example, they brought up the 90 day rule and are proponents of it (Not having sex until you’ve known a guy for 90 days – which I would NEVER do.  This seems to me like a huge potential waste of time.  What if the guy is bad in bed?  Then I just wasted 90 days dating some dude I’m going to have to break up with.).

Anyway, like I said, I’ll probably write several posts about the series over the next few weeks.  It’s a 4 week thing and I’m a glutton for punishment.

For today’s poll I wanted to ask you all about one of the things they brought up.  They had this little list, “Things Men Won’t Tell You“.  And on this list was, “60% of men will if they think they won’t get caught” (I’m paraphrasing, I was taking notes on my phone- I don’t plan on buying the book).

So what do you think about that?  Would the majority of guys cheat if they could get away with it?  The reason I ask is because there’s something about this statement that presupposes that fewer women would cheat (as women aren’t mentioned at all, and yet I know women who have cheated on their husbands – it’s not that rare).  I almost feel like I should split you all into two groups – men and women.

Do you think that the majority of guys would cheat if they could get away with it?

  • Yes, the majority of guys would cheat if they could get away with it. (49 votes)
  • Yes, the majority of guys would cheat if they could get away with it – but so would the majority of women. (67 votes)
  • No, this is a myth. The majority of guys wouldn’t cheat if they could get away with it. (39 votes)
  • I have no opinion/no clue. (18 votes)

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21 to “Things I Learned In Dating Bootcamp – #1”


  1. SpikeTheLobster says:

    “most dating experts are full of shit” – gods, I love your writing! It’ll be great to hear about the boot camp, piece by juicy piece.

    As for cheating, I would very much like to say “most men wouldn’t” (because I never have and never will cheat), but in reality I think I’d put the number higher than 60%. I have had maybe a dozen friends in my whole life who never would – every other male I’ve met would cheat, especially if they could get away with it. My figures may be skewed by living in France for a while (where, without wishing to reinforce a stereotype, 95% of the French men I met and worked with were macho assholes).

    Equally, I think women would do the same, if they could get away with it. I just think they’d justify it differently, as some kind of romantic claptrap instead of simply screwing around. I don’t know if the same figures apply – and I don’t think they do; I’d put them down at the 60% or lower – but again, my experience is skewed. Every woman I’ve ever dated has cheated, so I may not be a very good reference!

    The important bit is the “if they could get away with it” part, IMHO.

  2. starangel82 says:

    First, no sex until 90 days are up? I don’t think so. There is just no way I could do that. I think you should have sex when you are ready to have sex.

    Second, I’m on the fence with the cheating thing. I do think some men (and women) would cheat if they could get away with it, but I like to think the majority of people would remain faithful to their significant other no matter what. Maybe I’m just optimistic on that front.

  3. Anonymous says:

    From my experience, a lot of “relationships” in NYC don’t even last 90 days, so why wait that long for sex? It’s totally unrealistic and I wonder where this is coming from.

    Also, I think that 60% is a very low number. I would put it more towards the 90% rate. All men are polygamous, which means almost everyone would cheat if they didn’t get caught. Of course it all depends on how serious the relationship is and how much they love their girlfriend or wife. The majority of men don’t take their relationships seriously enough, so they cheat or would cheat if they got away with it.

    AB

  4. Veka says:

    I may be a little pessimistic here, but I have not had good experiences in this department. Most of the guys that I’ve been fortunate enough to date (please note the sarcasm) have been of the mindset that it’s ok to screw more than one girl at a time. Call me bitter, but it really seems like the good, faithful guys are rather hard to find. Or maybe I’m just looking in the wrong places.

    Oh and who really follows that 90 day rule? That’s the silliest thing I’ve ever heard.

  5. queenieNYC says:

    @Spike I’m wondering – what did the non-cheats you’ve met have in common? Was there a common thread that you think led to them being in such a small minority? I’m very curious about this…

  6. SerialSinner says:

    But when it comes to men, I’d rephrase the question with something like this:

    “Yes, the majority of guys would cheat if …

    [ they are going through a bad stage in a relationship and are seriously considering ending it / they are sexually frustrated / they just have a fight that made hom temporarily hate her, AND]

    …they could get away with it.”

    I’d answer this question with a yes. I can’t speak for women though…

  7. SerialSinner says:

    (sorry for the typos)

  8. dazediva says:

    This dating boot camp sounds a bit like the book ‘The Rules’ … I don’t know if you have read it – or head about it – but apparently it’s very big out in the US … a friend of mine told me about it – and honestly I thought it was a load of crap … although worth having a laugh at

    90 days and no sex … yeah right .. like you said – what if the guy was totally crap in bed ?? that’s such a waste of 90 days – and come on – it’s a bit mean to dump a guy by telling him ‘everything about you is great – it’s just that you suck in bed’ …

    As for men / women cheating … I think a fair amount of men / women would cheat IF they really believed they could get away with it … The men I know – who are friends – would never cheat – but have been cheated on unfortunately =( and I’ve been cheated on by 2 different boyfriends (that I’m aware of) … I myself have had the ‘opportunity’ to cheat – but it’s against my moral conscious – I just can’t do it .. I rather end my current relationship and then go have my fun … ‘cos if I am even contemplating cheating on someone then it just means that my heart and mind are no longer 100% focused on that particular relationship .. and there’s not much point going ahead with it …

  9. The Accidental Divorcée says:

    It’s not something I’d ever do, especially knowing what it’s like to be on the other end. I’d really, really, REALLY like to believe that most people don’t cheat. Having been cheated on, a huge part of me hopes I’ll never have to deal with that again. One of those “I’ve put in my time” sorts of things. Maybe I’m being naïve in my optimism, but as Oscar Wilde said, “Being cynical is easy.”

  10. Solar Fountains says:

    This is a fascinating discussion. One definition of integrity is how do you act when no one is watching? Or better yet, does who you are shift with circumstances? Does anyone really think that getting away with cheating does not affect the cheater in some way? As a man amongst men, I have seen and heard so many justifications but at the end of the day, cheating destroys respect. Do 60% of men (and women) lack self respect? This sadly seems to be the case.

  11. SerialSinner says:

    @Solar Fountains:

    We could also approach relationships (as we arbitrarily think they “should be”) as a constant struggle between human nature and what we were raised to believe are good “proper” relationships.

    I don’t believe that we *necessarily* loose self-respect when human nature takes over. I think it’s highly dependent on one’s cultural baggage.

  12. sfsingleguy says:

    Faithful guys are faithful until they date a girl who cheats on them.

  13. Anonymous says:

    I was one of the few that put I have no opinion as to this day, I have no real data one way or the other. Where do they get theirs from I wonder? You crystallize my view by saying that no woman were mentioned and that a lot of woman/wives do cheat as well. It really is a tough question. bobbyboy

  14. Simone Grant says:

    Alright, I totally apologize for not getting to this earlier and now that I am so tardy I’m going to deal with your comments in a totally chaotic manner. Please forgive me :-)
    First off, Spike – you are a much bigger cynic than I would have thought. But then, as you said, you’d been living in France for a while and yes the French don’t really value monogamy in the same exalted way as Brits and Americans claim to.
    I’m also very curious about QueenieNYC’s question. What do the non-cheaters you’ve known have in common? Is there a defining characteristic?
    -starangel
    Yeah, the 90 day thing is a total joke. And I fear your view of human nature is highly optimistic. But perhaps it’s just because the people in the area you live in are very traditional in their views and values and therefore less likely to stray? I have no idea.
    -AB
    I’ve heard that before, a lot, in fact. The all men are polygamous by nature thing. My counter would be, what about women? Why would women be different? I don’t necessarily think we are.
    -Veka
    You are not bitter. You’ve had rather typical experiences. Sadly. Sorry.
    -SerialSinner
    So your thought is that a guy who is happy and satisfied in his relationship won’t cheat? OK. I would say that probably the same goes for women.
    -sfsingleguy
    Are you saying that these faithful guys with then cheat on the cheat or with all women thereafter?
    -bobbyboy
    The authors claimed to have done research for their book. I doubt it was scientifically valid.

  15. mumbojumbogirl says:

    Very interesting stuff… However, I think the answer is pretty simple. I apologize in advance… My explanation is lengthy, I’m not capable of brevity… I’m a woman after all or as Simone would say, “A Girl”.

    I voted that both men and women would cheat. Who ever said that Monogamy is something intrinsic to human nature? it’s not in our DNA. We are Homo Sapiens… not Saints. However, it’s our ability to reason; think before we act and consider how our actions may affect others that sets us apart from acting on pure animal instinct. Our society rules are set in place for a reason. We live in a perpetual grey area when it comes to why we exist? However, We are over populated and simply need a general code to live by to give us not only a purpose in life, but also guidelines so we don’t tear each other apart.

    Having said this I have NEVER cheated on someone and I don’t THINK I ever would. However, I’m not putting myself above a whole Gender of people just because I haven’t experienced it. I say “think” because I believe it’s difficult to judge action in a situation I’ve never experienced personally. I just know I’ve never been seriously inclined to cheat. More than likely because I detest hurting people and have learned to look for happiness or fulfillment first within myself. However, I think there are many reasons why people cheat and I’m not sure all can be completely defined.

    Humans are complex and everyone comes from different experiences that for better or worse help shape them. Some people can’t find happiness in themselves and consistently look for affection; gratification or love (however they may define LOVE at that moment). Some people are completely narcissistic and have a difficult time considering anyone other than themselves. Some people stay in relationships that are not fulfilling and fall into the trap of cheating because they haven’t had the courage to face the real issue or work on it. Some people just want OUT and use infidelity as a reason or cause to break up. Some people… just get drunk and do VERY stupid things. Point being… aren’t the reasons endless? They say that relationships never end purely due to infidelity and that there is always another issue at hand. Well, isn’t that always the case. Who has a perfect relationship? Isn’t that what relationships are all about? You know.. experiencing life and learning from one another.

    Regardless of all of the above mumbo jumbo (hence the screen name)… shouldn’t the real question be… What characteristic; trait or gene is it that some people have that STOPS them from cheating? Could it just be, I don’t know… MATURITY and the simple awareness that as a person you are not the Center of the “F-ng” Universe. That’s my simple… albeit long winded thoughts on this toipic.

  16. Simone Grant says:

    -mumbojumbogirl
    Thank you for that long but VERY thorough response. Brilliant, really. And welcome to the blog. I hope to hear more from you in the future.

  17. keliana says:

    Men and women would cheat if they could get away with it. I have seen it. The 90 day rule….I say also isn’t something I would do. I’m a woman in my prime….I value great sex, and if you suck in bed, I would like to move on. I’m human…..so I make no apologies for what I like….lol

  18. Simone Grant says:

    -Keliana
    You and I are on the same page. That 90 day stuff, I don’t know who they’re trying to sell it to, but I can’t imagine any women my age trying it. At least, not any who like sex.

  19. A.T. says:

    @Veka:

    Believing it’s okay to screw more than one person at a time and cheating are NOT the same things. Cheating would be screwing more than one person when you’re in a monogamous relationship. If the relationship isn’t monogamous (it’s polyamorous, or you’ve not yet had the ‘are we being exclusive?’ chat, ie casual relationships) then sex isn’t cheating, just sex.

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