Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

I Like Feelings

I didn’t deal well with my last breakup.  I’m not talking about that little thing I had with Mr. Potential back in the early winter.  There wasn’t much of relationship there and so not much of a breakup.

I haven’t had a real relationship in over a year.  Long before I started this blog. And when that ended, I didn’t deal with it well.

I’m not going to point fingers or complain about what a total jackass the ex was/is.  That’s not the point of this post.  I just want to state, on the record, that I was a total mess for months.  I actually left the country for a couple of months to try to get away from “it all”.  Whatever that means.

I cried a lot.  A lot.  And every time I thought I was completely cool with it and that I’d never shed another tear over him, something would happen and I would start all over again.  Sometimes it would be him contacting me.  Sometimes it would be something I read or heard that made me think of him.  It doesn’t matter why.  The point is, I had those all bottled up and it took a long while for them all to come out and and get resolved.

I’m so over it now.  In a way that makes me feel strong and confident.  Like I’m not afraid to let myself care about someone new.

So why am I mentioning this?  Well, there happen to be some really cool women out there in the blogosphere who are dealing with the aftermaths of breakups right now.  And the general vibe out there seems to be that crying is something a girl shouldn’t do.  That we should be able to get over these feelings quickly.  Or maybe not have them at all?  I don’t know.

I’m not judging anyone else or telling anyone what to do.  Just telling my story.  I was a freaking wreck.  Like you can’t even imagine.  I thought that he was the guy I was going to spend the rest of my life with (or at least a good many years).  And then he wasn’t.   And that change in my thinking made me unbearably .   For a long time.  And so I cried.

I’m one of those pro feeling people.  I’d rather live richly, with lots of highs and lows, than live moderately without the peaks and valleys.  I don’t love drama.  But I do love passion and excitement and well, I think you get the point.  I cared about the ex a lot.  I’d invested a lot in the vision I had of our future together.  Those were big feelings.  It just seems natural to me that it was followed by great sadness.

Alright, I’ve babbled enough.  Note to self, stop blogging in the middle of the night.

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11 to “I Like Feelings”

  1. Singlegal says:

    Oh, I’m a big fan of crying. Truthfully – I feel better afterwards! Yes, my mascara suffers for it, but it serves its purpose, and I move on. And yes, break ups are very, very hard. More than I ever could have imagined.

  2. onedatewonder says:

    I love you for this.

    I feel like some of the problem here is that women are often taught that crying or having emotion is a sign of weakness. And heaven forbid we are weak. Many of us have even been yelled at that crying or having an excess of emotion is bad, or manipulative, and again weak. So we are hyper-sensitive. We are afraid to feel. We are afraid to be “weak”.

    Feeling isn’t weak. Expressing it isn’t weak. Hurting isn’t weak. It just is. And we’re allowed. And all of us have been there. None of us are alone in this.

  3. starangel82 says:

    There is nothing wrong with feelings. I used to keep everything bottled up inside, not allowing myself to feel anything at all until I would finally explode. When I would explode, I’d end up hurting people’s feelings and hating myself. I’ve finally learned it’s okay to have feelings. It’s okay to be mad or sad. It’s certainly okay to cry. Actually sometimes a good cry will help me feel a lot better.

    Just because we mourn a relationship that wasn’t meant to be doesn’t make us weak. It just means we have a heart.

  4. jenmata says:

    I totally agree. Going through a breakup is somewhat like going through a death in the family, there are strong feelings involved and there has to be a mourning period so that one can move on. I had a bad breakup in 2001, which left me crying, sad, mad and all over the place for months. I vowed I would never let anyone hurt me like that again, so when in 07 I went through a very disappointing and badly managed end of a relationship I just moved on, not allowing myself to mourn. I had my pride, I wasn’t crying over him. Boy was that a mistake. Months, even years after the fact I find myself still sad or mad over him and I now realize if I had embraced my sadness then and allowed myself to mourn I would be completely over it now. So, I’m all for the showing of emotions, cry it out if you need to, it will only do you good in the end.

  5. SINgleGIRL says:

    I stopped wearing mascara ages ago. Seriously. And yeah, I usually feel better after a good cry. At least for a little while. I’m sure there’s a biological reason for this…
    :-) I’ve always felt that people who never showed any emotion were the weak ones. That it took a high level of bravery to be honest with your feelings, to show them to the world. But that’s just me. And YES – none of us are alone.
    I can also suffer from the explosion syndrome, although that usually comes in the form of anger. I’m trying to learn to let that out in more manageable bits nowadays. It’s hard. But I’m trying.

  6. SINgleGIRL says:

    Thank you for sharing that. It’s great to hear how one person handled things in two different ways, and which way worked better for them.

  7. Shannia says:

    I ended a relationship with the love of my life last december, and frankly, although i am finally done crying (i cried rivers) I still feel totally incapable of feelings. it’s been 6 months, but my heart was so badly broken that I just can’t let myself go. I know I took the right decision but it doesn’t make it any more easy…. Big fan of crying…lol it helps!

  8. The Accidental Divorcée says:

    Yes, as inconvenient as they can be at times, feelings are important. And good. I’m pretty skilled at burying mine, so I have to make a conscious effort to actually go through them. But you absolutely must let yourself feel things in order to move through them. There’s no getting around it. It’s one of the greatest lessons I’ve learned in the past couple of years.

    (Also, thanks so much for this blog. I just discovered it a couple of weeks ago, and I adore it.)

  9. SINgleGIRL says:

    I started dating the week after I got my keys back from my ex. But it was all on auto pilot. I’m not sorry I did that(well, maybe a little). The ready to feel thing took a lot longer than I would have ever thought it could.
    -The Accidental Divorcée
    Welcome and I’m so glad you found me. Like onedatewonder said, I think most of us are taught to bury our feelings. I was, quite frankly, shocked at just how much crying I was capable of. But it was good. It needed to happen.

  10. darkheath says:

    I’m a little surprise no other guys have chimed in on this but I guess I’m not THAT surprised. I’ll admit, I’m a bit more “feminine” in my emotions than most guys, but don’t think this is strictly a female necessity. Now while the “actual” crying was done in about 3 months (2 of which she still lived w/me while waiting for her new place to open up. Yes, that was as easy as it sounds), it messed me up for 2 full years. I’ve only in the last few months started to “reawaken & rebuild” myself, although I still haven’t really gotten back to dating yet.

  11. Simone Grant says:

    I don’t think you’re more feminine. Perhaps more brave. Most guys won’t admit to having those feelings, except maybe to their shrinks after repressing them for years. Seriously, the fact that you actually dealt with the way you were feeling and have the courage to rebuild is amazing.