No, it’s not actually my birthday. But it is later this month (I’m a Gemini, for any of you that care. I’ve never been into that). I’ll be turning 39.
39 and never been married, and no I don’t think there’s anything wrong with me or with that. I’m not desperate or panicked to meet some guy, get married and immediately start IVF so that I can push out a baby (that statement being for my newer readers, who may not be familiar with my semi-regular diatribes on the subject).
I’ll be 39 and single. And dating. I date because I genuinely like men. I like having men in my life. Like having them in my bed. Like having someone around on a pretty regular basis. I wouldn’t mind living with someone or getting married but those things are not on my “must do before I die” list. (That list includes: go back to Paris and spend at least a month living there, see more of Central America, travel through Africa, publish a novel, learn to keep plants alive, improve my Spanish to the point that I can go all day speaking Spanish without having to stop and ask someone for a word, get my health in check to the point that I am no longer completely dependant on my medication, learn to swim and whole bunch of other things that would bore you to tears.)
Anyway, it’s not my birthday yet and I’m sure I’ll mention it again. I do have a good reason for mentioning it today.
Several times in the last week, I’ve either taken part in or tripped over conversations about women and age and maybe even potentially lying about age. I’ve been counselled, more than once (in real life not in cyberspace), that since I look so young that maybe it’s time for me to start shaving a few years off my age. Maybe start to tell people I’m 34, instead of 39. It would be easy to do as I’m frequently mistaken for someone still in her 20s.
And I know lots of other people who do this. Maybe this is one of those things that’s so common in New York that it’s a given, and not so common other places? I have no idea. But I have two exes who lied about their ages online and then told me the truth after me met. I wasn’t pleased that they’d lied, but I shrugged it off the way I shrug off guys lying about their height and weight. And it’s not just in online dating, btw. I have a family member who met her significant other at a party and seriously misrepresented her age. They are now practically living together and everyone she knows has to tiptoe around basic facts (like how long they’ve known each other, how old the are, what year they went on such and such a trip) because she doesn’t want to tell this guy the truth.
Clearly, there are a lot of people lying. And a lot of people out there who think that it’s OK to fib about one’s age. I don’t think it’s OK, but if a guy comes clean with me right away (1st or 2nd date, no later) I’m cool with it.
So, here I am. About to be 39. And I know (KNOW!!!!) that it’d be much easier for me to date if I’d just shave those years off my age. Pretend that I was really only 34.
Here are my thoughts.
A) I actually like older guys. I tend to like men who are 5-10 years older than me.
B) That was a little bit of a fib. My IDEAL is really around the 5 year older mark. Ten years older can sometimes be great. I’ve gone as high as 12 years older. But sometimes 10 years older can just be too damn old for me. I would never have gone past the 8 years older mark if it weren’t for the fact that so many guys closer to my age stopped being interested.
C) I hate lying. I hate everything about it. I can’t imagine having to say to a guy, btw, I’m actually older than I initially stated.
So here’s my question, and really, I’d like you to be honest with me (sometimes I think some of my readers give the socially acceptable reply, rather than their gut honest one):
Do you think it makes sense for me, or other women and men in my situation, to start lying about our age?
- Yes. As long as you plan on telling the truth shortly after meeting someone you like. (9 votes)
- Yes. Age shouldn’t matter. It’s a superficial criteria. Someone should like you for you. (6 votes)
- No. A lie is a lie. You can try to justify it, but it’s still a lie. (67 votes)
Tags: age, lying, polls