Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Mr. Newlywed’s Story

It’s Sunday again (yeah) and that means we have the pleasure of hearing from a guest writer.  BTW, if you’re interested in reading through all of the “Guy’s Stories” you can do so by clicking on that big blue tag above the title.

This week our guest author is Mr. Newlywed.

The Lies You Tell Yourself

I have been now for 7 months. The most common question you get from everyone who hears you’re recently is, “Oh, that’s great. How’s married life?” I never understood how, exactly, I was supposed to answer this question. So I always say something along the lines of “wonderful.” Married life is wonderful, but then all life is wonderful, if you have the right outlook. So this to me was sort of a cheating answer. Nevertheless, people always nod and smile when I say it.

I wanted to take this space to tell you what the transition to married life meant for me, and why the most shocking thing about it, is how little show there is. I won’t rehash everything, there isn’t time and i doubt very much interest. I’ll just tell you about one aspect of a relationship which I find stunningly important, . Married man . I hope the insights will be valuable. You should know something about me at the outset. I’m one of the most sexual people I know. It’s not just that I think about often (I think we all do, we just don’t admit it) it’s that I’m comfortable with it. I haven’t had scores of partners or anything, and nearly all the I’ve had in my life was in the context of a relationship. That being said. Let’s talk about …married .

Mine is not the typical male complaint story you know it: When we were just dating/living together we had sex 17 times a week, involving costumes, video cameras, hot oil, and everything you’ve ever seen in your favorite porn. Now that we’re married it’s twice a month.

That’s not my story. My story goes a little something like this. When my wife and I started dating she was a . I had just come out of a hyper-sexual relationship, which wasn’t really all that healthy. It was something of a respite to not have sex as a central theme in a relationship because it made me focus on all the other aspects of connecting with someone. And so my future wife and I connected on a million levels, and there was enough kissing/sleeping in the same bed/everything but intercourse going on that I wasn’t worried about sex…not yet.

Fast forward nearly three years, we still haven’t had intercourse and it’s starting to become an issue. Her position was that she didn’t want to have sex until she was married, that it was something she wanted to save. My position was I didn’t want to wait to have sex because it’s an important level to connect on and if we didn’t know what that connection would be I didn’t want to go to the next level. Eventually, I won out. But in hindsight I won out for the wrong reasons. The big lesson I’ve learned from this is that you can’t just be honest about what you want. But you need to be honest about WHY you want it.

The truth was yes I wanted the connection of intercourse. Yes, I wanted her to be my wife eventually and I wanted to experience everything possible with her before popping the question, but in truth. I was really horny. I was someone who had come from previous relationships where I was having sex 6 times a week, often in creative locations. To someone who hadn’t gotten off third base in three years. I wanted to have sex with the woman who I had committed myself too, yes I wanted sweet romantic love making, but I also wanted to fuck like a couple of pornstars. Because, you know, variety is the spice of life.

And aside to that point, I believe a healthy relationship has a sexual make up of three parts (I have explained these to my Mrs, BTW):

-Making Love: The sort of soul searching, quiet deep connection that makes you feel totally safe and secure, enhances your relationship and makes you just want to cuddle forever.

-Having Sex: Not as warm and fuzzy, kissing and intimate but both partners also want to have an orgasm, its a physical need routed through an intimate place.

-Fucking: Because every so often you just need to. It’s not about romance, it’s not about life-connections, its about acting out something raw and physical.

So we made love, and it was never comfortable the entire time we dated, and through our engagement. It was always something akin to love making, which has it’s time and place, but never anything more raw/fun. But I love and respect my wife on so many levels, and I wanted to share my life with her, that I decided I didn’t need to have rocking sex to enjoy my life overall. I also convinced myself that marriage was the big sticking point for her. That once we were married her comfort level would increase and she’d be more willing to experiment/have fun. The wedding has come and gone (by the way, no sex on the honeymoon, “aunt flo” decided to come along) and we are still in the same sexual rut we’ve been in for the last 2+ years.

If you were to ask my wife she would say (well she would say it’s none of your goddamn business, but after that) she is up to try anything, and that now that she is secure in our marriage anything I want to do is fine. the truth is any experimenting we’ve done has been on her terms and that sex as a whole in our relationship is on her terms. When she wants it and how she wants it. I’m just sort of here to provide. When you watch that on a sitcom it’s funny, in real life, it’s depressing. The thing is, I convinced myself after the wedding. It would be different. It’s not.

I love my wife. We will be together forever, have a house and kids and be very happy. I guess I’m just surprised that none of my lies, the worst ones, the ones I told myself, never ended up coming true.

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14 to “Mr. Newlywed’s Story”

  1. SimplyLSC says:

    Wow, a little depressing, but good to know that true love exists and that he believes he will stick by his wife no matter what.

  2. Anonymous says:

    Mr. Newlywed, have you ever thought about the possibility that maybe she was sexually abused? You said she came off a hyper-sexual relationship when she had just met you? I don’t want to insinuate anything at all, but I know instances of that happening and it’s not something easy to talk about. Even with a man who is your husband I would imagine. Sometimes that can turn a switch off until the problem is dealt with on a deeper level. Just a thought. Then again, maybe that’s just her preference and I think your attitude towards it is great. You really know what marriage is all about.

  3. Shannia says:

    He actually sd she was a virgin and he came from an huper sexual relationship. But I agree, it’s possible she was abused?

  4. Hammer86 says:

    Wow, what a miserable story. I feel sorry for you. But then again, that’s why I don’t date virgins.

  5. tiaramh says:

    No one person should have control over that aspect of the relationship, you have desire that need to be met as well. Its possible that since she is new at this she may be shy or scared of expressing herself in such a physical way. I think you should be honest with her about it. Tell her you want to ignite the spark that you know is there and maybe ask if she be interested in meeting with a counselor to find a way to meet both your desires

    or get her a subscription to cosmopolitan magazine and maybe she get the hint and learn some tips.

  6. queenieNYC says:

    To me, it sounds like she wasn’t prepared to have sex in a relationship that wasn’t marriage. She ended up having sex with someone she loved and cared for, but never felt entirely comfortable doing so. Then, like you do, she ended up in a certain sex rut – this particular one is different from, say, only having quickies, but it’s still a rut.

    I don’t have a solution to this one – can’t say I think Cosmo is a great idea, since it’s so focused on the man’s pleasure, which isn’t a great rut to get into, either. Maybe he can bring home some movies that show hot, spontaneous sex? But not porn – something tells me it would only turn her off at this point.

  7. queenieNYC says:

    Also – and I’m probably splitting hairs here, so please forgive me, Mr. Newlywed – but anyone who feels the need to call his wife’s period “Aunt Flo” was probably shopping for a slightly buttoned-up spouse, whether he knows it or not. Just seems like an odd thing to be coy about when discussing your views on love and sex.

    But I’m probably reading way too much into that one.

  8. SINgleGIRL says:

    I’m not going to “reply” to anyone. I’ll leave that to Mr. Newlywed, if it’s something he feels comfortable doing.

    I’m just really happy he was willing to share his story here. And I wonder how common a story it is? Also, I wonder exactly what he meant by, “I guess I’m just surprised that none of my lies, the worst ones, the ones I told myself, never ended up coming true.” I read that over several times and thought a bit about it but I couldn’t quite figure it out.

  9. queenieNYC says:

    I think he means that he’s surprised things didn’t change after the wedding – he’d convinced himself so completely that getting married would make her so much more comfortable that there would be a major paradigm shift.

    I don’t think it’s uncommon for people to pin things, large and small, on the idea of getting married, and count on it to change things in a relationship. I’ve seen in happen many, many times.

  10. sfsingleguy says:

    Great read, thanks for putting it out there.

  11. SINgleGIRL says:

    That’s probably the right interpretation. I was thinking something more nefarious. I always am.
    Now all I need to do if find my NEXT volunteer.

  12. LeJa says:

    Mr. Newlywed,
    I have a similar story. At least on the virgin part. The guy I am seeing, who I will name J, is a virgin. I am however, not. I was like you, coming out of a very sexual relationship and I can honestly say I love sex.I think its admiral that he has held out loosing his V Card, but I do know that I will some day I will get sexually frustrated. I think between him and I it is not forever, because there are a lot of differences but I can hope for the best. But, in saying that, he believes he is ready for sex. And wants to loose it to me. I have never had rules for sex, everything is game, but I told him that if we do have sex, he can not regret it the next day. He doesn’t believe that sometimes sex comes with emotional baggage. So, I know how you feel, and love can be everything but sometimes its not what you expect.

  13. Veka says:

    Bad sex is better than no sex!

    …right? …

  14. Dont Be a Slut says:

    Don’t really have anything to say by way of advice, but I’d really like to thank Mr. Newlywed for sharing his story. It’s always amazing to hear sex/love/relationship stories from the man’s point of view.