It’s Sunday again (yeah) and that means we have the pleasure of hearing from a guest writer. BTW, if you’re interested in reading through all of the “Guy’s Stories” you can do so by clicking on that big blue tag above the title.
This week our guest author is Mr. Newlywed.
The Lies You Tell Yourself
I have been married now for 7 months. The most common question you get from everyone who hears you’re recently married is, “Oh, that’s great. How’s ?” I never understood how, exactly, I was supposed to answer this question. So I always say something along the lines of “wonderful.” Married life is wonderful, but then all life is wonderful, if you have the right outlook. So this to me was sort of a cheating answer. Nevertheless, people always nod and smile when I say it.
I wanted to take this space to tell you what the transition to married life meant for me, and why the most shocking thing about it, is how little show there is. I won’t rehash everything, there isn’t time and i doubt very much interest. I’ll just tell you about one aspect of a relationship which I find stunningly important, sex. Married man sex. I hope the insights will be valuable. You should know something about me at the outset. I’m one of the most sexual people I know. It’s not just that I think about sex often (I think we all do, we just don’t admit it) it’s that I’m comfortable with it. I haven’t had scores of partners or anything, and nearly all the sex I’ve had in my life was in the context of a relationship. That being said. Let’s talk about sex…married sex.
Mine is not the typical male complaint story you know it: When we were just dating/living together we had sex 17 times a week, involving costumes, video cameras, hot oil, and everything you’ve ever seen in your favorite porn. Now that we’re married it’s twice a month.
That’s not my story. My story goes a little something like this. When my wife and I started dating she was a virgin. I had just come out of a hyper-sexual relationship, which wasn’t really all that healthy. It was something of a respite to not have sex as a central theme in a relationship because it made me focus on all the other aspects of connecting with someone. And so my future wife and I connected on a million levels, and there was enough kissing/sleeping in the same bed/everything but intercourse going on that I wasn’t worried about sex…not yet.
Fast forward nearly three years, we still haven’t had intercourse and it’s starting to become an issue. Her position was that she didn’t want to have sex until she was married, that it was something she wanted to save. My position was I didn’t want to wait to have sex because it’s an important level to connect on and if we didn’t know what that connection would be I didn’t want to go to the next level. Eventually, I won out. But in hindsight I won out for the wrong reasons. The big lesson I’ve learned from this is that you can’t just be honest about what you want. But you need to be honest about WHY you want it.
The truth was yes I wanted the connection of intercourse. Yes, I wanted her to be my wife eventually and I wanted to experience everything possible with her before popping the question, but in truth. I was really horny. I was someone who had come from previous relationships where I was having sex 6 times a week, often in creative locations. To someone who hadn’t gotten off third base in three years. I wanted to have sex with the woman who I had committed myself too, yes I wanted sweet romantic love making, but I also wanted to fuck like a couple of pornstars. Because, you know, variety is the spice of life.
And aside to that point, I believe a healthy relationship has a sexual make up of three parts (I have explained these to my Mrs, BTW):
-Making Love: The sort of soul searching, quiet deep connection that makes you feel totally safe and secure, enhances your relationship and makes you just want to cuddle forever.
-Having Sex: Not as warm and fuzzy, kissing and intimate but both partners also want to have an orgasm, its a physical need routed through an intimate place.
-Fucking: Because every so often you just need to. It’s not about romance, it’s not about life-connections, its about acting out something raw and physical.
So we made love, and it was never comfortable the entire time we dated, and through our engagement. It was always something akin to love making, which has it’s time and place, but never anything more raw/fun. But I love and respect my wife on so many levels, and I wanted to share my life with her, that I decided I didn’t need to have rocking sex to enjoy my life overall. I also convinced myself that marriage was the big sticking point for her. That once we were married her comfort level would increase and she’d be more willing to experiment/have fun. The wedding has come and gone (by the way, no sex on the honeymoon, “aunt flo” decided to come along) and we are still in the same sexual rut we’ve been in for the last 2+ years.
If you were to ask my wife she would say (well she would say it’s none of your goddamn business, but after that) she is up to try anything, and that now that she is secure in our marriage anything I want to do is fine. the truth is any experimenting we’ve done has been on her terms and that sex as a whole in our relationship is on her terms. When she wants it and how she wants it. I’m just sort of here to provide. When you watch that on a sitcom it’s funny, in real life, it’s depressing. The thing is, I convinced myself after the wedding. It would be different. It’s not.
I love my wife. We will be together forever, have a house and kids and be very happy. I guess I’m just surprised that none of my lies, the worst ones, the ones I told myself, never ended up coming true.
Tags: married, sex, virgin