Today is my last day at my current job. I found out that I was being let go on Thursday (and wrote about it then). I’m not heartbroken about leaving the job, but I am scared shitless about my future. I have lots of ideas about how things might work out. And, truth is, this really could be the very best thing that ever happened to me. But it’s scary.
What makes it scarier is the way that everyone I know keeps telling me how much faith they have it me. That they’re sure I’m going to land on my feet and make something wonderful happen out of this. I keep wanting to scream at people, “Are you blind? I’m a total mess. A total fuck up. How can you not see that?” But I don’t. I smile at them and thank them and scurry back to my computer and waste some more time on Twitter.
What makes this scariest is that I feel the pull of my most self-destructive urges. The ones that tell me to do the things that I know are bad for me. I feel like I can’t even write about those things here, for fear of getting yelled at by readers. But let’s just say it’s hard to be strong right now. And that not everybody in my life cares about what’s best for me.
Anyway, I’m supposed to be finishing up a final assignment at work. So I’m writing this instead.
I’m sure this angry, sad, anxious mood will pass soon. Maybe even by tomorrow. But, hey, what’s the point of having a blog if you can’t overshare every once in a while.
Tags: anxiety, blog