Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

I Take Requests

It’s pretty easy for readers to get in contact with me.  I have my and info right over there on the top right corner of the blog.  Plus OnSugar has a pretty great private messaging system.  Or you can just send me an .  I’ve posted my here on the site several times ( Update – please use the contact form here on my new site.

I don’t get a lot of messages, but I do get a handful each week.  And sometimes, in those messages, there’s a request for me to write about a specific topic.  When possible, I take those requests seriously, and try to work those topics into my rotation.

Recently, I got a message from a new reader.  She said that she was enjoying the blog and was able to relate, especially, to the story I told about my first time.  It wasn’t something I wrote about in the body of the post, rather it came up in the comment thread.  Anyway, it wasn’t a happy story.  It was pretty horrible and it took me years to get over it.

She asked me to write a bit more about that. So, I will.  And I’ll do my best to make some kind of coherent sense of it.

I didn’t really come to terms with what happened until years afterward.  I didn’t block it out.  But I didn’t give it a name ( – which is what is was) either.  It was just this stupid, awful thing that happened and I was ashamed that I’d put myself in that situation.  I didn’t talk to anyone about it and I tried my best not to think about it.

But I knew it had happened and it absolutely affected my ability to let any of the guys I met for several years after get close to me, either physically and emotionally.

There was nothing that happened to change this.  I didn’t go to therapy.  I didn’t have an epiphany.  But time passed and I met some really decent men and became close friends with some guys and realized, eventually, that I had nothing to be ashamed of.  That I was young and drunk and stupid and that something bad had happened.  But that it wasn’t my fault.  And that if I kept pushing every man I met away from me I’d essentially be punishing myself.  Forever.

I’m sure there’s some therapist (or many) somewhere who would read this and be absolutely aghast at how cavalier I am about the whole thing.  But that’s really how I remember it all.  I was kinda broken, and then I wasn’t.

I know that I have major issues with men, now.  But those are actually all pretty new.  A new flavor of issues. They came about in the last couple of years, after some particularly bad choices/relationships.  And these new issues are probably scarier than the old ones because I’m older now and so the runs deeper and nastier.

I’m sorry if this isn’t the post you wanted.   It is the truth.  My truth.

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9 to “I Take Requests”

  1. etennant says:

    I think this is something that happens to a lot of young girls. Thanks for the post, and congratulations for working through it. I think it’s hard to find guys that you trust after an experience like this, and even harder to start thinking of the “physical” part of a relationship as OK or pleasurable or fun or even normal, after an experience like that. I think this stems from shame and from fear.
    I’m so glad you were able to work through this, and that there’s hope for everyone else. :) Thanks again.

  2. Anonymous says:

    That was a sad post and I am surprised you can talk about it comfortably. Thanks for sharing. What really stuns me is the comment from etennant that this appears to be happening to a lot of young girls. Is that true? I can’t believe it? Why isn’t anyone reporting these guys?

  3. PiscesInPurple says:

    This post makes a lot of sense to me. I can really relate to how you dealt (and/or didn’t deal with this), and I know I’m not alone in that. You’re a very strong woman, Simone, and I’m proud to call you my friend. Thank you for sharing this.

  4. SINgleGIRL says:

    Thanks darling. Yes, I was able to work through it and I know that other women can and do, every day. We’re a resilient bunch, we women.:-)
    Yeah, it is kinda sad. Sorry to be such a downer. I try to keep the sad posts to a minimum, but there are a lot of things about dating, relationships, sex and life in general that just suck. I don’t know anything about the numbers, and wouldn’t trust any number you quoted me as so many women don’t report this, but YES, this happens a lot. I know it did in the 80s and early 90s when I was a teen and then in college. And I’m sure it hasn’t gotten much better. The truth is, there are just an awful lot of young guys who don’t think there’s anything wrong with having sex with a girl who’s too drunk to say yes (and girls too ashamed to say/do anything about it).
    Thanks so much. I wasn’t too sure what I was going to write when I sat down at the computer, or sure I even wanted to do it. But I’m glad I did.

  5. Dont Be a Slut says:

    I think that everyone has a different healing process, and sometimes time and maturity (instead of therapy or an epiphany) is all it takes to move through the difficulties.

    I’m glad you’ve had a breakthrough, and that you didn’t let a “bad break” break you.

  6. Shannia says:

    You are a strong woman and the more I read you the more I am amazed by you. Thank you for sharing this with us.

  7. SINgleGIRL says:

    -Don’t Be a Slut
    Welcome to the blog. I’m a big fan of time and maturity.
    Thanks sweetie. You’re pretty amazing, yourself.

  8. TudorCityGirl says:

    I am sorry for your experience. I had the same bad experience when I was 17and handled it the same, exact way you described. What was different for me though was 8 years later, it happened again and that time around I had a lot of trouble dealing, I reported it to the police, I recognized it as rape right away and not just being young and drinking. What these so-called “men” do is wrong, whether the girl is drunk or not.
    Your stength always amazes me from your posts.
    Thanks for sharing. It made me realize I’ve had trouble trusting men since this last episode, which is now 7 years ago. Maybe if I blog about it, it will help. Thanks again.

  9. SINgleGIRL says:

    First, welcome to the blog! And I’m so sorry you had to live through that twice. That’s ridiculously unfair of the universe. I’m glad you seized back control of things for yourself the second time and reported it. I think that the reason so many men do this and get away with it is that so few of us talk about it, much less report it. It just happens all the time and no one says anything. Good luck with EVERYTHING!!!