Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

I Could’ve Predicted It

I gotta stop second guessing myself. I know why I’m doing it – years of failed relationships, a sense that my traditional “type” is actually really bad for me, this nagging sense that if I just do things differently than I normally would then maybe I’d get different results.  All good reasons.  But it’s leading me to do some pretty silly things.

Last night I went out with a guy who was clearly inappropriate for me.  I’m still kinda mad at myself for even replying to his email.  I’d initially rejected him.

They have this Quickmatch thing on where you rate men and they rate you and the system matches people who rate each other highly.  I didn’t give him a high rating.  My criteria for the Quickmatch are simple. First, I look at a guy’s age.  He’s gotta be in the right range.  Then I look to see where he lives.  I’m looking for a local guy (in the city or really, really close).  And then I actually look at him.  Guys with lameass pics don’t cut it. The ones who are shirtless in their primary shot are tossed. Same if I can’t make out his face. But if a guy is average or better looking and he’s made an attempt to show me that in his pics and he meets the age/location criteria – then, I’ll read his profile.  And then I rate him.  Very few guys get high ratings from me.

This guy got cut right away.  He lives in the ‘burbs.  And so I gave him a low rating and didn’t think anything of it.  But then he wrote me a very sweet email and kind of talked me into giving him a chance (I gave him my, I am never going to move to the ‘burbs line, but it didn’t deter him).

Anyway, beyond the fact that he’s a suburnanite, he’s also very recently divorced.  Which is another one of my little warning signs.  Been there, done that.  In my experience, most guys take some time after a divorce to go through a second adolescence of sorts.  They tend to bounce from one short relationship to another, trying to make up for lost time.  I know it’s a generalization, but I’ve seen a lot if it.  And I’m not judging.  If I was in a failing marriage with lousy or nonexistent sex for many years, I’d probably behave similarly.

But since I’ve been there and done that, I’m not all that interested in spending time with any more of those guys.  They can be fun, for a short while.  But I’ve been hurt (sometimes pretty badly) by their ilk.

Anyway, last night I found myself on a date with a recently divorced guy who lives in the .  He was perfect pleasant.  Even charming, at times.  But it was a total disaster in terms of romance.  By the end of the night I was giving him tips on how to find women who are only interested in casual sexual relationships, as he’s been having trouble getting rid of women when he’s done with them.  He finds they get (calling occasionally, asking him out) after he starts sleeping with them a few times a week for a couple of months and he doesn’t know how to end things.  No, I’m not joking.

In truth, I can’t really imagine myself ever faling for a guy who lives in the ‘burbs.  Or who’s marriage just ended a year ago.  But I feel like I have to keep doing these things that don’t make sense to me.  If only because the things that feel right, also feel wrong.

Tags: , , ,

7 to “I Could’ve Predicted It”

  1. sparklytosingle says:

    You don’t have to keep doing anything you don’t want to do. I’d venture to say that if you don’t actually WANT to go on a date with someone, that probably doesn’t bode very well for the date because you have a preconceived notion in your head that it will go badly. It might become a self-fulfilling prophecy. I say trust your intuition. It’s hard to do sometimes but generally (in my experience anyway) my intuition knows what’s best for me.

  2. BadenLink says:

    SG, maybe you have expalined this–but why is it you would knock a guy for being in the ‘burbs? Is that a bad thing? Just curious on your thought process.

  3. Tokyo Cowgirl says:

    Suburbs? Ew.

    So, there are three things that really scare the crap out of me. They are, in no particular order:

    1: Sharks (I won’t even swim in the ocean, it’s that big of a fear)
    2: Cockroaches (If I see one, I won’t sleep, it’s as simple as that)
    3: Dating in Manhattan (No matter what problems V and I have, I feel like they are preferable to being a single adult female in this city)

    I think that’s why I love this blog so much- it’s basically the equiv of a shark tank in an aquarium- I get to see what goes in the NYC dating scene without getting hurt.

  4. SINgleGIRL says:

    No, I don’t have to do anything. But I’m kind of on a journey here (gag, gag). Trying to figure out what’s going to work for me in the future, as I haven’t been all that successful in the past. And sadly, my intuition doesn’t really function anymore. Or at least not well. Hence the second myself.

    Anyway, haven’t a positive attitude wasn’t going to change the outcome of that date. He’s looking for his next fling (but not even self-aware enough to realize that’s what he wants) and I’m all flung out.
    There is nothing “wrong” with the suburbs. I know many nice people who live in the ‘burbs. But I am a city girl. I don’t drive and don’t plan on ever owning a car. I’m looking for a LTR (dare I say, someone to fall in love with) and so it doesn’t make much sense for me to be dating suburbanites because our lifestyles are so different. He’s going to see happily ever after as taking place in a house with cars parked in the driveway. I see it in the city (with maybe a beach or country place if we happen to be doing with financially). I know there are folks who see that as bizarre, but it makes sense to me.
    -Tokyo Cowgirl
    There are certainly days I’d rather be swimming with sharks than continuing on with this dating nonsense.

  5. 20forty says:

    I think that we get so used to the wrong type of guy for us that anything other than that feels wrong even if it might be right. It takes awhile to break years of recycling the same old boyfriend over and over because we’ve dated that same type of guy in so many different forms that we think it’s right for us even we know better. It’s going to take time to feel comfortable with a type that you’ve never been interested in or gone for before. That discomfort is perfectly normal and lessens as time goes on.

  6. Cameron Sharpe says:

    My pleasure to come across your blog and read it, keep posting.

  7. SINgleGIRL says:

    I’ll have to take your word for it, darling. For now, I guess it’s all just trial and error. At least I know what doesn’t work.
    -Cameron Sharpe
    Thank you so much and WELCOME!!