Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

I Say Stupid Stuff, Sometimes

I have a date tonight.  A .  I met this guy, online, last weekend (I think) and he asked me out earlier in the week.  We’d been emailing back and forth for days and he seemed like someone I’d want to meet.  We set the day and the time but didn’t make any specific plans.  He just said “drinks”.

I was OK with that thinking that he’d email with a plan sometime during the week.   As of last night I still hadn’t heard from him so I sent him a short email saying, “Do we have plan?”  As I’ve said before, it’s a real for me when guys are good with this stuff.  Give me a time and a place and plan.  I like to be spontaneous, don’t get me wrong.  Just not on a first or second date.  Spontaneous is great once I know a person and trust them.  Then I’ll be happy to hop on the subway on in a car on a spur of the moment whim without knowing where we’re going.  No problem with that, at all.  But for a first date I want something along the lines of, “let’s go to_____ at __pm on ___day”.

It really pisses me off when I have to email the day before a date and ask if we have a plan.  Anyway, he emailed me back with a bunch of flaky nonsense, somewhat suggesting that we meet on a streetcorner and just find a place to hand out  (NOT COOL).  I sent him my phone number and asked him to call me today, not last night, because I’d just walked in and was superbusy with emails and stuff.  I guess I wasn’t adamant enough about not calling last night because 10 minutes after I sent that message he called.

By then I had almost forgotten about him, or rather sending him my number.  I was busy with something else.  I didn’t recognize the number but picked up the phone anyway.  And then, I didn’t recognize his name at first when he introduced himself.  Now, in my defense, I have several guys I’m communicating with right now.  It can be hard to keep all of the names straight.  OK, that’s lame.  I’m just old and senile.  And I wasn’t expecting the phone to ring and I was focused on something else.

So, here we get to the real point of today’s post.  I was kind of an idiot on the phone.  No, I didn’t admit to not knowing who he was.  I stumbled for a second and then figured it out.  But I was distracted and already a little annoyed with him about not having a plan for the date and so I just wasn’t focused on the call.   I’m almost certain that I said a bunch of rambling, stupid, nonsensical shit.  As soon as I go off the phone I kind of smacked myself on the head and thought, OMG, you are a moron.

Now, there are a bunch of folks out there (you know who you are) who believe that  phone calls with prospective dates are akin to performances.  That a person should have what amounts to a script all set and ready so that they always come off as brilliant and funny and fabulous.  I don’t ascribe to that school (or any school) of dating.  I’m not always brilliant and funny and fabulous. Moreso, I don’t want any man who is about to go out with me to expect a “show”.  I like to be lowkey, sometimes.  I have many moods and they all come out and show themselves over the course of a relationship.  Further, I have come to be suspicious of men who are always “on”, always up, always positive.  It’s a type that’s hurt me a few too many times in the past.

Now, you may be asking yourself, so what?  You were an idiot on the phone last night – big deal!  Why is it even postworthy?  Well, here’s why.  I am pretty good at dating.  I’m not an , but I’m pretty good at it.  And I still have nights when I make a complete ass of myself.  When I leave a date and think, “I blew that” or hang up the phone and think, “I can’t believe I just said that”.   I screw up all the time.

The more I date, the more I push myself to just try, the less I screw up.  It’s like anything else, I’ve gotten better with practice.  Better, not perfect.

I wanted to write about this today because at least once a week I get an email or DM on Twitter from someone telling me that they wish they could be like me.  That they’re bad at dating.  Or that they’re afraid of dating.  That the last date they went on was so bad they’re afraid to try again.   Well, sometimes, I’m bad at dating.  I say stupid stuff or get inappropriately emotional or not emotional enough.  It would take me all day to type the list of my sins.  The fact is, I keep going, even though I make mistakes.  And I keep going because I genuinely believe that I’d be less happy if I stopped.


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15 to “I Say Stupid Stuff, Sometimes”


  1. Shannia says:

    Here I am reading this post hoping that at the end you’ll tell us he had a plan,, nothing? are you seing him?

  2. SINgleGIRL says:

    Ugh. I wish I had a good answer. We still have no set plan. I’m annoyed as hell. I just wasn’t in the mood to take over the planning last night and so we still have a date with no set destination. Doesn’t bode well.

  3. bellaressa says:

    Try to relax and be open, have fun. I know it’s annoying, I like a plan for the first date as well. You just want to feel comfortable before you do spontaneous things with someone you know not just first meet.

  4. Shannia says:

    When a guy doens’t have a plan on a first date, to me it feels like he just doesn’t care. Like a guy that keeps asking me ”what would you like to do?” Take control, show me your personality, surprise me. Make the best of it and hopefully you’ll have a great time.

  5. T.jones says:

    From a man eye point, Maybe he is trying to surprise you on the date. Sometimes it better to be surprise that why you may have a better date.

  6. Veka says:

    In all honesty, most guys I know aren’t that creative. Especially for a first date. It’s a nice thought, but I’ve yet to go on a first date where they liked me so much that they wanted to surprise/impress me. SG, this guy sounds indecisive & I’m not a huge fan of guys that are indecisive because I’m the world’s most indecisive person! I’m very easy-going and love it when a guy suggests something. Esp. something fun! Hopefully he’ll man-up soon and make a decision! Good luck.

  7. HyperDuke says:

    Are You Sure You Wanna Be “Dating” Someone Who Cant Even Plan A First Date???
    I mean if he is that unorganized, what do you think future dates will be like???

    Although, I Agree Wih T.Jones, simply because I am the kinda guy that would rather surprise you than tell what i have planned for us to do. But Still If you never met him in-person, it was quite dumb of him not to even hint around at what ou were doing

    To Veka: I disagree with you heavily. If you date the MORE attractive, Beefy, Beach Boy, Hunk kinda guy, then yeah you can expect to get those results… But If You Date a MORE Chipper, Funny, Creative Person Then the first date should be awesome, I should know im that kinda person.

    Now Back to Simone: Still the decision is yours, Im just here to help you make a good one…
    Good Luck…

  8. jenmata says:

    We all make mistakes, especially when nervous or caught off guard. I know I’ve make my share, even though by now, 15 plus years under my belt, I consider myself a pro at dating.

  9. Shannia says:

    I agree with Veka though, most guys are not that creative. They often need to be hinted in the right direction to make a decision. Even my ex (who I cared for a great deal) was clueless when it came to our dates at first, I often had to hint him in the right direction. The guy I am currently dating seems to be a bit more imaginative but his comfort zone is: restaurant, movies or dancing.

  10. SINgleGIRL says:

    -bellaressa
    I will try to relax although now I have an added problem. I got some takeout for lunch that is NOT agreeing with my stomach. If I had plans with a friend tonight I’d be texting to reschedule. But this is just such a weird situation. Why do I get myself into these?
    -Shannia
    It comes off as a lack of caring to me, too. Although rationally I know that it might be just the opposite. He could think he was being superconsiderate and letting me pick a place and that I was being a flake. Who knows,,, A new guy for you? Yeah!
    -T. Jones
    Welcome to the blog. You’re right. He could also be trying to surprise me. But first dates aren’t really a great time for surprises. I need to be comfortable with a person to enjoy a suprise.
    -Veka
    I’m with you. I’m decisive. And indecision annoys the hell out of me. Oh well, no ones perfect.
    -HyperDuke
    Well, he said drinks. It’s not like it’s a great mystery. I just don’t know where. Maybe it’s a small thing (it is a relatively thing). But it affects what I might choose to wear, etc.
    -jenmata
    Well, I’m at 20+ years and counting and I don’t ever plan on going pro. I like my amateur status. :-)

  11. derek7272 says:

    >> It’s a nice thought, but I’ve yet to go on a first date where they liked me so much that they wanted to surprise/impress me

    Ummm, yeah. How could anyone know whether they liked you if it’s a first date! I actually got an email like that the other day, asking what the plan was, and found it slightly off-putting. Of course I was going to come up with something — I just hadn’t gotten around to it yet. Just go with the flow, make the best of it and try to enjoy yourself…Don’t worry about the phone call, I’m sure any impressions he formed of you will be corrected/cast aside tonight.

  12. Shannia says:

    Derek, I speak for myself (and probably every other fashion victim out there,,lol) when i say we need a plan to know what to wear,….lol and that little extra feeling that you took time in planning something special is nice too.

  13. HyperDuke says:

    *sigh*
    Woman Make Things So Difficult Sometimes

  14. derek7272 says:

    But it’s a first date off the Internet. This guy is probably juggling a couple different girls too, just as SG is. I wouldn’t plan something special for a girl until I had met her and decided she was special, or at least has potential … until then I’m a fan of something just really simple, like a meeting at the local coffee shop. I am sure if he’s suggesting meeting at a street corner he’s not expecting SG to get dressed up or put any time into deciding what to wear.

    Honestly in my last LTR relationship (a girl I met off Nerve) for our first date we just met up at the Barnes & Noble by Lincoln Center and went to a couple bars from there. Ended up staying out ’til like 2 a.m. and it was a really great date. (Admittedly this girl had many virtues, but she wasn’t the most fashion conscious, not that i care)

    I think some girls (I’m not saying anyone in particular here) have these scripts in their head about how a date should go and what a guy should do and whatever. The problem is that a lot of these scripts are different, and guys aren’t mindreaders….

  15. SINgleGIRL says:

    -derek7272
    Yes, different women want different things out of a first date. I absolutely hate the play it by ear 1st dates. Your ex liked them. Your ex was a suitable match for you. I am not. Not everyone matches with everyone else.

    I wouldn’t want guys to be able to read my mind. I want to know them for who they are and want them to know me for who I am. That’s the only way we’re going to know if we really do fit together well. That’s why I get so constantly annoyed at all of the coaching and PUA crap that floats around, nowadays. And why I try to be clear that I’m stating my preferences and not actually giving advice. My ideal date is my ideal date. And my ideal guy is going to have a pretty similar idea of an ideal date. It’s not freaking rocket science.