I haven’t dated anyone who knew any of my exes in over 15 years. And that wasn’t here in the city. I was living in the UK then. If I lived somewhere else, most other places, the dating pool would be smaller and there would be a much greater liklihood that the guys I dated would know each other, at least casually.
This came up last night as I was exchanging emails with a new guy on OKCupid (which, btw, I’m starting to like). He mentioned a somewhat obscure interest in his profile and said, “bonus points if you know about this” or something to that effect. Well, I do know about it, but only because it’s something a guy I used to date is really into. And that means that Mr. OkCupid probably knows my ex because the community of people who are into this thing in NYC is really small.
So I mentioned in my email that I knew what he was talking about and that it was because I dated someone who was into it and that the relationship ended on good terms so if me and Mr. OKC hit it off it wouldn’t be too weird. I wanted to put it all out there because for all I know the two of them are good friends (the ex and I are currently out of touch).
So, if you’re still with me (I know, I’m being really vague, even more vague than usual), here’s the thing - I’m not really OK with this. This new guy (Mr. OKC for now) seems really cool. I’d like to meet him. We will probably will meet this weekend. But the idea of him and my ex being friends makes my skin crawl. Because if he knows my ex then he is suddenly going to know, or think he knows, or assume all kinds of things about me which may or may not be true. And my ex, bless him, may very well blurt out all kinds of inappropriate things that quite frankly I’d like a guy to find out for himself.
And I know I’m getting ahead of myself because me and Mr. OKC haven’t even met yet and I may not even like him. And he may not know my ex (unlikely). And if he does know him they may not be on friendly terms (again, unlikely, the ex is a very friendly guy). I’m just incredibly freaked out because this is the first time I’ve been in this situation. Which I know is weird because if I lived somewhere else this would probably be the norm. Or, at least, not that unusual. I’m just used to a few more degrees of separation between the men I date.
Tags: dating, exes, nyc, OKCupid, Online dating