Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

I’m Kinda a Bad Person

No one could ever accuse me of being a golddigger.  Not with a straight face.  Sure, I’ve dated guys with (I dated one guy who had a bedroom closet that was bigger than my bedroom and he lived in a better neighborhood than I did) and I’ve dated guys who were broke.  I’ve never once dated a guy because he had money or not dated a guy because he didn’t.

But. I think that maybe I’ve started giiving guys with money a little extra slack in the pre-, screening process.  Gosh, writing than makes me hate myself.

I’m not sure how long this has been going on.  Not long.  Maybe a few months.  Maybe a year.   It’s something I’ve just become conscious of, but looking back I can see a pattern.  I’ll be emailing back and forth with some guy or talking with him on the phone, trying to decide if we’re going to get together – you know, typical pre-screening stuff, and I take a little more notice of those little indicators of wealth and security than I used to.  And, well, if a guy is financially secure I’m a lot more likely to agree to that first date.

That can’t be the only thing he’s got going for him.  It’s not like I’m shopping for a guy with dough.  But if I’m sizing someone up and there are a bunch of pros and a bunch of cons, I find myself putting the money in the pro column.  I never used to do that.  I used to think that someone’s income/financial status was completely irrelevant.  And I don’t anymore.  Now it counts in the pro column.

And for that I am ashamed of myself and think that I’m kinda a bad person.

Sometimes the truth is ugly.

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14 to “I’m Kinda a Bad Person”

  1. HyperDuke says:

    Well Simone… Dont look at it as “Gold Digging” because that will only make u feel worst. Just look at it and say “I am A woman with needs and I need a man that can supply ALL those many needs”

    You’ll Fell Alot Better i Promise

  2. anonymous says:

    Ok, somewhere along the line I think most if not ALL women have been socialized and brainwashed into being and feeling LESS THAN for such ridiculous reasons!
    Do you think that a man feels remorseful if he see’s a woman with a great butt, or nice breasts and RUNS not walks to make her acquaintance? What about the guy who can’t be bothered with getting to know a woman at all b/c he really doesnt care to and all he’s really interested in is how fast he can lay her down, that is until he’s old and fat and bald and needs viagra THEN he’s looking to settle down so maybe someone can mash his food and wash his butt in his golden years……

    I am a firm believer in being equally yoked with my partner. That doesnt just go for religion, trust me. I have standards that I will never be ashamed of. TO ME they just make good sense. I always use checks and balances to assure myself that I am not being unfair or greedy or whatever it is that makes YOU think that you should feel bad for how you feel right now.

    I wont date a guy that works @ McDonalds and does nothing else with his life.
    I WILL date a guy that works @ McDonalds while he starts his own business, or pursues his degree or some other worth while goal that will enrich his life.
    I wont date a guy that makes a significant amount LESS than me and who is doing nothing to better his socio-economic standing in this world.
    WHY??? BEcause I am an ambitious women and i desire, no DEMAND an ambitious, driven man. If he is not on my level ( THIS IS NOT RESTRICTED TO AREAS OF FINANCE) or better we have nothing to talk about!

    You know how certain personality types just fit well together and some just don’t? I am driven, ambitious, hardworking, always learning, rarely resting and goal oriented……I have dated guys that weren’t. Guys who were complacent in life, guys who had no dreams, no desires and did nothing to better the world around them……They simply arent attractive to me…..our personlaities dont mesh well and I wont be made to feel ashamed of that.

    So don’t YOU!


  3. TheB0y says:

    I’d venture a guess and say that your own income wasn’t as important to you in your 20s as it is these days, either. It’s a natural thing, to want some security as you grow older/up.
    Also, for me, being a guy, it doesn’t bother me that the fact that I worked hard to be successful is something that works in my favor in getting a date with you. Now if we’d gone out a few times and the only reason you kept dating me was money, that’s a different story. But I didn’t see you writing that. No reason to be ashamed!

  4. HyperDuke says:

    Ok Miss Anonymous.

    U R PERFECT, Will U Be Around When i turn 18, lol

  5. PiscesInPurple says:

    You’re not bad. You’re just honest. And… erm… pragmatic?

  6. SpikeTheLobster says:

    You’re not bad: you’re honest for realising it and accepting it. As the line from the Wedding Singer goes, “[Security] isn’t important for some people, it’s important for everyone” (yeah, I paraphrased). Particularly as we get older (not OLD, oldER!), having less money is less attractive because it means a potential loss of our comforts, to which we have grown accustomed. Provided the poorer guys still get their chance, I don’t see why you should feel bad.

  7. $@bs says:

    It’s a lot easier to forgive jerk-offs of their sins when there are cash prizes involved…

  8. CHFBrian says:

    Is it the money, really? Or is it what the money might represent? Ambition, success, security, competence, etc? Just because someone has money doesn’t mean they’re particularly worth dating, nor does not having money mean the opposite – but like anything else, it can be an indicator of the kind of person someone is.

    Maybe that’s what you’re keying on, rather than the money itself?

  9. onedatewonder says:

    Looking for a little financial security in a relationship does NOT make you a bad person. I say this as a woman who has had to support not one but TWO ex-husbands. I don’t require that my dates make a ton of money or even necessarily pick up the check. But looking to see if we’re at least close to being on equal footing is not wrong. And I shamelessly admit that I do just that. Money is one of the #1 things that cause issues in relationships. Why feel bad about trying to manage some of those issues up front?

  10. derek7272 says:

    You can have any criteria you want; none make you “bad” or good … if you only want to date Asian midgets earning between $40,000 and $60,000, you have that right. It’s not a moral issue, whatever standards you want to use. Ultimately, tho, is a guy with money — beyond a base level of whatever that allows for financial stability — going to make you any happier? I think the penthouse apartment would be thrilling for a little while, but then you’d just get used to it.

    Anyway, tho, most women do in fact let a dude’s money influence how likely they are to email him in an online dating context. I wrote on my blog awhile back about one study that looked at online dating records, which don’t lie…

  11. queenieNYC says:

    “I dated one guy who had a bedroom closet that was bigger than my bedroom and he lived in a better neighborhood than I did.”

    This is so New York…I love it.

    More important to me than money is ambition and satisfaction in one’s career – but financial security (not necessarily wealth) can be a pretty big indicator of maturity.

  12. Hammer86 says:

    In the age range you’re looking for, I don’t think it’s wrong to be looking for someone with money. If a guy is 40-55 and doesn’t have money then wtf has he been doing for the last 15-30 years of his life? Also, I’m always the proponent of never settling. There are enough guys, particularly in New York, who meet all of your requirements AND are rich that you shouldn’t settle for less than exactly what you’re looking for.

    According to many psychologists, a man’s perceived ability to provide (a.k.a. wealth) is the equivalent in social value to a woman’s perceived ability to reproduce (a.k.a. body). If I can require a person I’m dating to be hot then you have every right to require that a man you date be wealthy.

  13. SINgleGIRL says:

    Thanks everyone for replying. I think I replied to a lot of stuff in my Part Deux post (I wanted a ridiculous name for a somewhat ridiculous topic), but there are some specifics.
    -HyperDuke, Welcome to the blog :-)
    -DetroitFItChick, I’ve never been attracted to the type of man you’re talking about either. Regardless of money, I always wanted a motivated guy. I’m in new territory here. It’s an icky place.
    -The BOy, No I definitely couldn’t date someone just because he had money. That I couldn’t do.
    -PiscesinPurple, Pragmatic? Well, yes, that would be a way of spinning this.
    -SpiketheLobster, Everything you wrote makes sense and yet I do feel bad. Funny how that works, huh?
    -$@bs, Um-No.
    -CHFBrian, It’s the money. And no, having money doesn’t mean that someone is worth dating. But it means something. Now.
    -onedatewonder, You are absolutely right about money and relationships. And I know that there is nothing wrong about caring about it. I just can’t help feeling bad,
    -derek7272, Yep-I read that study and didn’t find it shocking at all. That’s just the world we live in. But I’ve never really lived my life based on other’s people’s standards. Just my own. And I’ve stopped meeting those standards. Anyway…
    -queenienyc, Absolutely. Financial security can mean a lot of things to a lot of different people. I guess I’m just focused on the fact of it now and not what it means.
    -Hammer86, Yes, those studies exist. Cash for looks. As I’ve said, I’ve always been quite happy to live outside that equation. I don’t care about the norms. I find the norms really kind of ridiculous. *sigh*

  14. Anonymous says:

    I don’t think it is wrong to want to date someone that can earn a “decent” living, but no matter how much money they make, does that make them the person you really want to be with? I have tendency to shy away from white collar men, if they flaunt their money, it is a turn off to me. So does that make me negative towards men that make $$ and bad person? I’m not sure, in today’s economy, so many getting laid off, even the potential to earn is there. Nothing is guaranteed. Money doesn’t buy happiness, think about it, if it did, then that means when there isn’t any, the love and happiness between two people are gone? If so, maybe it was never there to begin with.