Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Let’s Ask the Experts

Thursday I got a DM from one of my Twitter friends, @TranqJones.  It was a link to this completely mesmerizing and frightening interview with a well know .

I watched the whole thing in one sitting.  Janis Spindel, the matchmaker, is supposedly one of the top matchmakers in the country.  She’s also scary as hell.  At one point she started to talk about the way that women completely screw things up on the (she seems to put most of the blame on women for messing things up, but as it’s the guys who pay her, that makes sense).  One of the things she mentioned is that if a guy takes a women out to dinner he expects her to call or text or something the next day to say (I actually wrote a post months ago about thank yous and how hard it was to know what to say if you didn’t really like the person).   She was furious that some women didn’t do this and considered it “blowing your chances with a great guy”.

Just a couple days earlier, and I apologize because I can’t remember where I read it but I’m sure it wasn’t the first time I saw it, I read an article that said that women should never call first.  That it’s a guy’s duty to make the next day call and that if a woman called she was being clingy and needy, etc.

Now, I’m not a or relationship .  I do not pretend to know the right answer here. Maybe there is no right answer.  Maybe it’s all situational.  I just love it when the experts don’t agree.

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11 to “Let’s Ask the Experts”

  1. Teifion says:

    There is no right answer because not everybody is the same. I wear one size of shoes and another guy wears different size shoes. I like geeky shirts while another will like plain ones. To say that everybody must do things a certain way is simply silly unless the two people are alike in that respect (that is, everybody needs to breathe because our lungs work the same way).

  2. Alex Shalman says:

    I think it’s situational. But, there is a “traditional” way, and I think the traditional way is very effective. Some things shouldn’t be fixed if they’re not broken. I think the feminist movement messed up women by telling them need must assume a certain role that isn’t natural to them – the way I formulated this opinion, besides walking around, is because one of the leaders of the feminist movement (and I can’t remember her name) made this statement. She said she made a mistake, and wish she never pushed for this movement.

    Many relationship books I’ve read talk about how the traditional copying mechanism is not messed up. Before a woman would take care of the house, and the man would work. When the man came home, he would destress by being with his wife. Now women have to work, and take care of the house, and when they get home, they want to destress. Now there are two people that are tired, and need some solitude time, and don’t have an extra hurdle before they can rekindle their daily connection with each other.

    This is all theory, but it makes a lot of sense to me.

    A bit off topic, but, I do believe that a man should court a women. Depending on her self-worth, and how she reacts, a man will know if this women can handle being courted, without thinking the guy is “too nice.” On the other hand, a guy has to make sure he’s a challenge as well. It’s a fun little game, and if you don’t like it, it’s only because you aren’t good in it (not you specifically, just saying).

  3. SINgleGIRL says:

    Well you know I pretty much agree with you on this one. I think so much of what is wrong with dating in the last 10 years or so is that people have become obsessed with rules and what they should or shouldn’t do and because of that they are doing a lot less thinking for themselves.
    -Alex Shalman,
    Oh darling – what a load of shit!

  4. Michael Hahn (LoveRX) says:

    Experts have to take a stance to be experts. We are all creatures of habit and when we look to the future we have actual experience from the past. Anyways, if you are into each other, does it matter who calls first & when? Sometimes “Life Happens” and the timing doesn’t work out. I can tell you this…Men love to be appreciated even if you are not interested and women love to feel special. Appreciate and help others feel special whenever possible and Mr/Mrs. Right will come walking right into your life. Most likely when you are least expecting it…. Cheers, Michael

  5. Alex Shalman says:


    I may be wrong, I often am, but it’s surely a different and plausible point of view. In the end, each person will have to find their own way. There is just something about a traditional family structure that appeals to me. I can also see how other structures can appeal to others. Neither one is right, nor wrong, and I believe that to each his own.

    One of my favorite personal development writers, Steve Pavlina, is currently experimenting with the Polyamory structure. I can certainly see the appeal in it, and I believe he will be happy with his choice, because it is his own. To each his/her own. 😉

  6. SINgleGIRL says:

    -Michael Hahn
    Yes, so far as I can tell, all a person has to do to be a relationship expert is call him/herself an expert and take a stance. Hence the title is essentially meaningless to anyone with a brain who wishes to think for themselves. And no, if you like a person it doesn’t matter who calls first. Although I do believe that if someone has paid for your meal then it is polite to thank them. That’s not about rules or games, that’s just good old-fashioned manners.

    -Alex Shalman
    It was rude of me to be so dismissive of you earlier but really I am sick of people using the comments section of my blog to spout whatever theories they have about feminism, the historical nature of the relationship between men and women, etc. I’d thought I put a stop to that. I will not enter into side conversations about feminism or the role of women in the families/society, esp (no offense) with a young(ish) man. Yes, everyone has the right to his/her opinion and MY blog is not the place for that. Especially when it’s so far outside the post’s topic.

    Really what most annoyed me was when you said, “Depending on her self-worth”. Again, what a load of crap. I thank my lucky stars every day that I date men who are too old to read all of the self helpy, PUA nonsense that’s supposed to be helping you all learn to act like grown men. And pity the younger women out there.

  7. sam2243 says:

    Excellent.. I admire your writing:) Fantastic:)

  8. derek7272 says:

    There really isn’t a right answer … there really are no rules to courting anymore, no expectations that you can say everyone shares. Part of that is the “fault” of feminism (or an inadvertent byproduct), but it’s not so terrible; it just makes things a little more difficult to navigate sometimes.

    But yeah, I’d consider it a little clingy to get a phone call from someone a day after a date. A short text or email is nice, but not expected or necessary. And I think the “three day rule” (the guy shouldn’t make contact for three days) is dead, too cliched, but I definitely wouldn’t call the next day either.

    Also, it seems like a dumb idea to thank a guy for dinner or whatever post-date if you don’t really want to see him again, anyway. Just say thanks before the date ends, and maybe pay half.

  9. SeanD says:

    My view of most relationship experts: blah, blah, blah… and a load of bollocks to that!

    As you point out, there’s so much contradictory “advice” out there, is there any wonder there’s so much confusion about dating expectations? What’s wrong with keeping it simple… be yourself, be polite and show a little courtesy? I think sometimes you just need to let serendipity take it’s course.

  10. SINgleGIRL says:

    First, welcome to the blog. I hope we’ll be seeing more of you. And thank you!!
    So you disagree with both “experts”, I guess. The more I thought about this yesterday the more it seemed ridiculous to me that anyone was looking to these people to tell them how to act. Your preferences are your and you have every right to have them. I disagree. Whatever.
    I concur. Like I said earlier (I think, sometimes I can’t remember what I wrote) I think dating was easier before there were so many “experts” peddling this crap. Everywhere you look there’s someone else telling you how you’re supposed to behave. As if people didn’t date before TV and the web. If you ask me, the problem with dating isn’t feminism, it’s a lot of people who are old enough to be grown-ups but who can’t seem to act like them (men and women).

  11. derek7272 says:

    Okay, i actually watched that interview with Spindel now — I kinda understand her point. If a guy goes “above and beyond” on a date, like sending a car to pick a gal up, then sure she should say thank you. That’s not anything I’d ever do, but then her guy clients are probably making like 10x my salary.

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