Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

A Tired Morning’s Thoughts On Last Night’s Date

I don’t have a point system for dates.  Really I don’t.  But if I did he would’ve been picking up lots of points in advance of the actual date.  Which I know can be problematic in its own weird way because then I was predisposed to like him.

He asked me out with certainty.  No, “gee, maybe we could meet sometime.”  And then asked me when I’d be available.  We very quickly settled on a night.  He said he’d come up with a plan and email me the details.  A day later he emailed me a time/place.  In the email he said he had looked for someplace in my neighborhood or close by but honestly didn’t know of anywhere (he’s relatively new to NYC and lives in a completely different part of the city).  He didn’t want to pick some random place out of Zagats.  He would prefer to go to someplace he knows is good.

He got several points for all of that.  Points for the certainty.  Points for the being prompt and on point and decisive.  Points for knowing what he likes. And I’m with him on this.  For a , I really don’t want to go to some random bar I’ve never been to before.  As much as I love trying out new bars and restaurants, I would never suggest someone meet me someplace that I’d never tried before.

All that said, the date started really slow.  SLOW. We’re talking Chinese water torture slow.  Now, I admit, some of that was my fault.  I was just so tired.  My chronic insomnia has been bad lately.  But he didn’t seem to have much to say, which is odd as he was really chatty when we spoke on the phone.  And let me be clear, this is a very smart guy.  Very smart, very interesting, very talented.

Eventually things took off and we had a relatively decent conversation.  It wasn’t super exciting, honestly.  And there was a certain lack of something.  I wasn’t feeling the chemistry.  But, but, but…

OK, I’m just going to say it.  I sat there last night and while he and I were talking I started to think of this article I read several months ago in the Atlantic.  It was all about how smart women should .  How the zing of fades over time and that we should be looking for things beyond the zing.  And so as he and I sat there and had our zingless chat I thought about all of the wonderful qualities that I think he probably possesses.    I say think as it was just a first date so I don’t know.

Towards the end of the date he very directly asked me out again.  He suggested several nights and said he’d like to take me out to dinner.  Again, it was the kind of direct invitation that I find attractive.  And so I said yes.  Not because it was a great date, but because he’d racked up so many points (I know that makes no sense) and because maybe the zing really is something I need to stop looking for.  Maybe.  It certainly hasn’t been good to me in the past.


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14 to “A Tired Morning’s Thoughts On Last Night’s Date”


  1. starangel82 says:

    Totally unrelated to the topic, but have you seen a doctor about your insomnia? You’ve mentioned it several times and it concerns me. As someone who has problems sleeping myself, I know how much it can interrupt your life. You need sleep… even if it means seeing a doctor.

  2. Ms. Florida Transplant says:

    Sometime first dates can be awkward – maybe he’ll open up more as time goes by. It’s worth a shot!

  3. Shannia says:

    just getting back to reading you after a week away,,, I need to catch up.. I don’t think smart women should settle, ever! I hope your second date is a lot better.

  4. Alex Shalman says:

    This zing that you speak of. I think it can be built and created. I would go for a person that is kind and has similar goals to mine. Then I would look that they possess the qualities that are important to me.

  5. derek7272 says:

    That Atlantic article was written by a woman in a particular situation — single and raising a kid — so one kinda understands her frustration, but it doesn’t really apply to you, esp. if you’re fine with not having children. That said, doesn’t everyone who gets married “settle” to some degree? There are no perfect people out there … you have to end up accepting someone’s flaws and imperfections and annoying habits. Having a very specific checklist of things one wants, right down to certain occupations, can work against someone I think…

  6. Anonymous says:

    I agree that one shouldn’t settle, but as Derek said, I believe we do settle to a certain degree.

  7. Anonymous says:

    I totally agree with you about the points for the directness of his #1 asking you out for a specific day, and picking a time and place! How sad is it that it is something that simple that impresses us single gals :)

  8. SINgleGIRL says:

    -starangel82
    As I mentioned on Twitter, I was at the doctor today about my insomnia. It’s not the first time, as it seriously affects my health. So I’ll be trying something new.
    -Ms. Florida Transplant
    That’s what I like to think, that men who are good at first dates are not necessarily the ones I want to have relationships with. And so we’ll see.
    -Shannia,
    I think settling means different things to different people. There are things I know I can live with and others I know I can live without.
    -Alex Shalman
    Your comment reminds me of what I’ve read about modern arranged marriages. I’m not saying that in a negative way. I’ll have to think and write about that more another time.
    -derek7272
    Once again, you are being very literal. Yes, the article was written by a single mom. And I am not in any way comparing myself to her or her situation. One of the things she wrote about was that romantic passion fades, and so that having a relationship based on romantic love might be the wrong way to go. I don’t know if I agree, but I think it’s any interesting concept to chew over. As to my “checklist” – I’ve already told you I don’t have one. Rather I know from trial and error what types of men I get along best with (it’s called learning from experience). Sheesh.
    -Anon #1,
    Yes, everyone must settle a little. Or be alone forever.
    -Anon#2
    YES! And the sad thing is that it’s such an easy thing.

  9. Tokyo Cowgirl says:

    Ugh! I hate that you referenced THAT article out of all of the other articles out there!

    I remember reading it in The Atlantic a year or so ago and getting really, really pissed off. And then I finished reading it and I was only sort of pissed off. She’s a terrific writer but the article suffers from too many generalizations- namely the first one that she hurls at us in the second paragraph. It’s so inane that it takes the next two pages to recuperate. By then, of course, the article is finished.

    Fortunately she received tons of backlash but it really doesn’t matter since it doesn’t pertain to your post at all.

    Anyway, I think you were right to agree to one more date. After that, if there’s nothing, then you can move on knowing that you’re not missing out.

  10. SINgleGIRL says:

    -Tokyo Cowgirl
    The article pissed me off, too, when I first read it. And yet all of these months later and I’m still thinking about it. I don’t know that I agree or disagree with her (probably a bit of both). But I do know that I am willing to rethink (not just because of her article) my preconceived belief that I’d know upon meeting a man whether or not he was the right guy for me. There have just been too many times when my “right guy” light went one and the guy turned out to be all kinds of wrong.

  11. derek7272 says:

    Well, call me literal if you want, but I think where she’s coming from in writing that article — a mom raising kids on her own — is important. She’s saying holding out for deep romantic love isn’t that important, but I think if you asked a divorced woman she’d have a very different take on things.

    And I was careful to say “one” not “you” in that last sentence. Lots of people are looking for something very specific, whether they want to use that word checklist are not. I just feel like it closes them off to different possibilities and can be like trying to find a needle in a haystack. I certainly have an idea of who would be the ‘perfect girl” for me — but ultimately people are a lot more more complicated than being just a collection of traits, and I’ve fallen for girls I never thought, on paper, I’d be into. However, whatever works for you…

    P.S. And I wasn’t being literal before — I was mocking…

  12. AGirlNamedMe says:

    Let me speak from experience…I was in a long-term relationship with a wonderful man. He was good to me, good to my son from a previous relationship.

    But…that… zing?…it wasn’t there. He didn’t want me madly. Sure, he provided the obligatory kisses hello and goodbye and when we were hanging out together, it was groovy. But….there was always that underlying issue. Of course, being human, I internalized this problem and made it my problem — why isn’t it passionate love? Why isn’t it hot, sweaty…..

    So..we separated. We are still terrific friends and I see him weekly for lunches. He’s still very kind to me and is wonderful with my son.

    Six years later…..I’m in a very good, stable relationship with a man who is kind to me, good to my son, and we have that zing. With that zing, everything is better. The good times are better because we have that intimacy with one another. And the bad times? They are not as rough.

    The Mirror Has Two Faces is an old movie, but I think it speaks very well to this point.

    There are things we settle on, but that zing? That ain’t one of them.

    xoxo
    AGirlNamedMe

  13. SINgleGIRL says:

    -AGirlNamedMe
    Everything you say makes 100% sense to me. Everything.

  14. nicolesaintgee says:

    You mentioned that the date started really slow, and that you were surprised because he had so much to say on the phone. Maybe he was just nervous? It was the first date, so he may have just needed to loosen up, and the second date might be that opportunity. Perhaps when he relaxes, that zing may be easier to find.

    On another note, I completely believe that someone should never have to settle. While I’ll agree that romantic love fades, true love already encompasses more than just the romance. One can have the romantic love and the other qualities, without giving up one or the other.

    Well, that’s just my glass half-full kind of thinking! =) I hope your second date goes well!