Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Your First Time – The VERY First Time

I spend way too much time online.  Between my blog, and the private messages I get from readers here on OnSugar (always a good way to reach me, btw) and Twitter and reading and commenting on other people’s blogs, I probably spend more time online each week than I ever did reading traditional periodicals.  The majority of that time is interactive, in other words, I’m exchanging ideas with people.  I’m not just passively reading.

Anyway, sometimes I find myself thinking and writing about things that I otherwise wouldn’t.  It’s just that other people bring these topics up and then they get stuck in my mind.  Here’s one of those topics – First times.

I know exactly one person – 1, who has only ever been with one partner.  Her husband.  They didn’t wait until their wedding night.  But he was her first and they ended up marrying pretty young and now it’s nearly 20 years later and they’re still together.

I don’t know anyone who waited until their wedding night.

I know people who’ve had a couple/few partners and others who’ve had dozens.  People who first had in their early teens and others who started in their twenties.  And yet with all of this diversity I’ve never heard a single positive story about a .  Ever.

Maybe the people with the happy stories keep them to themselves?

I’d like to know.  Seriously, I’d like to know if there’s anyone out there who has fond memories of their first time.

Your First Time   The VERY First Time sex dating polls  button1 addthis

  • I’m a . Still waiting for my first time. (125 votes)
  • My first time was special and beautiful. (101 votes)
  • My first time was awful. I’d rather not think about it. (104 votes)

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57 to “Your First Time – The VERY First Time”


  1. Teifion says:

    You know me (via the web). I plan to not have sex until I am married as I it is a gift to make marriage special. If somebody asked me for my suggestion on if they should or should not save themselves but I don’t condemn those that don’t save themselves. I felt it important to mention the last point because I often meet people that expect me to force my views on others as they are based on my faith/religion.

  2. PiscesInPurple says:

    I wouldn’t say my first time was beautiful, but it was definitely special and not a disaster in any way. I guess I was lucky.

  3. RVASarah says:

    Mine was neither beautiful nor awful. It just was. After waiting and waiting for “the right guy,” I got too impatient and really horny.

  4. Anonymous says:

    I was 19, I was in love and it was special. Not the best sex ever, of course, that wouldn’t come until many, many years later. I still have good thoughts about that first guy, though, and if I could’ve made things last longer with him, I would have.

  5. Shannia says:

    I was 21 and madly in love for the first time. The first time was a bit akward, I was a little innocent (to be nice..lol) but he was experienced and made sure I enjoyed it.
    We where toguether 3 years, and are still the best of friends today, we care for each other greatly.

  6. starangel82 says:

    I have to go with it wasn’t beautiful, but it wasn’t a disaster. Somewhere in between.

  7. CHFBrian says:

    I don’t like this poll! My first time wasn’t beautiful, by any means, but nor would I classify it as a disaster. It was an ok first foray into a larger world.

    The girl i was with was a few years older than me, and a Hell of a lot more experienced (which wasn’t saying much, but still). I didn’t have much idea of what I was doing, but I’d like to think I made up for it with enthusiasm :)

  8. SINgleGIRL says:

    Aha! So the people with the happy stories WERE keeping them to themselves.

  9. Veka says:

    Before I read all the comments, I was going to say the same thing. Not wonderful, but certainly not awful either. Seems like there is a general consensus.

  10. Singlegal says:

    I actually think my first time was pretty good. Not the best obviously – who the hell knows WHAT they are doing, but I certainly wasn’t sorry and look at it as a very positive experience.

  11. Catherinette Singleton says:

    My first time was a one night stand. I didn’t know his name until the next morning.

    I wouldn’t change a thing.

  12. hurryupnbuy says:

    1st time? it was over before i knew it! lol i think its just hard to realize it was beautiful with so many thoughts running thru one’s head. nobody’s exactly a pro at it….YET! lol

  13. SINgleGIRL says:

    -Well, since all of the people with the horror stories are being quiet, I’ll go first. But first, I just want everyone to know that I don’t want your pity and I’m not telling this story to be provocative. In fact, I think it’s one of those, more common than you think things. I actually think of myself as having 2 first times. The first wasn’t exactly consensual. I was passed out drunk. Yes, I drank to excess and so I have to take responsibility for being in that state. I was very young and at a college party (I was the youngest one there, by a mile). It was the first time I’d had that much to drink and I didn’t realize that I’d literally pass out. Anyway, that’s what happened. I was passed out and some jerk decided that that was an invitation to have sex with me. It happens every single night in college campuses all over the country.

    My second first time was years later. I had developed some pretty serious issues regarding sex and was pretty freaked out any time things started to progress with a guy. It was kind of a relationship killer. But then I got sick of my issues and brought a guy home from a bar one night (guess what, I was plastered) and it was pretty awful because I was so stressed out about it. Strangely enough, he and I started to see each other after that and had an almost functional relationship. Almost.

  14. Shannia says:

    No pity,,, I promise ;-) it just makes me mad when i read stories like yours because you’re totally right, it does happen all the time and it shouldn’t. And it makes me sad for the women who had to deal with that situation.

  15. PiscesInPurple says:

    It definitely happens all the time. It happened to me too, it just wasn’t my first time. ~ Alcohol sucks.

  16. Teifion says:

    You consume alcohol and bad things happen. Sounds like somebody else I know who has an allergic reaction to alcohol, everytime she drinks she breaks out in a set of handcuffs (I kid you not somebody said that to a policeman I know).

  17. iamalejandra says:

    My first time was so awful and weird that it makes me shiver. It was with this jerk that I ended up hating and guess what?!?! After “it” happened, I didn’t even realize it!! I wasn’t sure if we had “done it” or not!! I remember talking to my step-sister the next day and she asked “Well, did he go in all the way??” And me responding “I think he did, I don’t know”.
    I blame my super catholic mother for the fact that my first time was so awful, cause she always said it was going to be “special” and “memorable” and I had ridiculously high expectations; when it actually happened it was such a disappointment. There were no butterflies, no fireworks, NOTHING. Just awkwardness, sweatiness, and all around pure BLEH.

  18. CHFBrian says:

    Ok, even though I have issues with the poll choices, I’m going to vote for “special and beautiful” because let’s face it, I got laid.

    For a 17 year-old that’s pretty special and beautiful.

  19. CHFBrian says:

    17 year-old boy, that is. It’s an important distinction.

  20. Tom O says:

    Maybe it helped that I had this philosophy in middle school and high school that my “first time” having sex should be with someone I was in love with — not just because it would make it more special but for the pragmatic reason that if the condom failed then at least we’d be a couple in love facing this tough challenge (even more tough if her Mom was a vice presidential candidate for president) and wanting to be supportive of whatever decision she made related to the fate of that fetus/potential life.

    As a result, I passed up a few easy opportunities with girls I didn’t really care about. And there weren’t that many opportunities any way. I was short (no, not there — actually average 6″ long and thicker than average around in girth — 5 3/4″ thank you). Being less than 5′ 7″ tall means that the average height girls aren’t likely to date you, the tall ones forget it, and the short ones, they are dating the tallest guys. WTF?

    But in college, my sophomore year I did finally start dating someone I really cared about and had a lot in common with. We were both journalism majors (newspaper journalism … ever heard of it? ;-). Both worked on campus newspaper. Both of us were virgins. Though she’d given a blowjob to a guy who was about 8 years older — guy working in the news business already. That’s OK. I benefited from her practice.

    She was very Catholic. So she didn’t let me go “all the way” until almost a year later when we were both 20. We got very good at other things in that time.

    And, yes, it was special and beautiful. So much that I’ve held other less great experiences up to that. Probably not fair. She’d always said that sex is no good without love. That’s not true. I’ve had plenty of good sex since then with people I didn’t love (or even like that much). At 43, I can no longer count all of my sex partners on my fingers and toes (unless I don’t count the ones where we didn’t go “all the way” with intercourse … then I have a finger left … maybe 2).

    So, yes, it’s possible. But it’s a rare combination of developments and timing — that our sex drives do not want to wait for. Dang, testosterone!

    -Tom
    Ohio

  21. Consent Cop says:

    Perhaps the only way to stop idiot guys from forcing nonconsensual sex on women is to start having the courts CUT OFF their DICKS for acting like such mindless pricks. She was drunk? OK, we’ll let you get drunk before we cut off your dick. She was drugged (by you)? Fine, we’ll drug you and then cut off your dick. She wanted it? OK, we’ll say the same thing after we cut off your dick.

    We probably won’t have to cut off that many dicks. Just one or two televised on HBO or Cinemax should reduce the problem immensely. Maybe one per college campus and one per high school ever few years.

    I know so many female friends (previous lovers) who have been victimized by some jerk guy — sometimes their own boyfriend/husband, a “friend,” or even their father or older brother. And the many stories of parties where alcohol takes away her ability to fight them off or stay awake … and erodes what little sense the dicks had before they forced themselves on the woman.

    Sad.

    Cut their dicks off!

    -CC

  22. Shannia says:

    Cut their dicks off? then it creates a bigger problem on a whole new level.

    see this happened to someone I know:
    her boyfriend was about to leave her and she was loosing it, so she told him of a ”rape” that happened to her a few years back so he would feel compassion and stay (yes very pathetic, not to mention very WRONG), and he pushed her so much to press charges that she finally broke down and told him the truth. (yes he dumped her after that)
    Well in your world, should she have decided to go with it, the accused ”rapist” would no longer have a dick.

  23. PiscesInPurple says:

    Oh, the humanity.

  24. Wilmaryad Ben Oscallas says:

    My first time occurred when I was 15. I was not drunk nor was I aware of the politics of penetrative sex. A kiss from the guy had totally filled me with glee to the point of me falling deeply asleep in his arms. Next thing I knew I was not a virgin anymore; I just wish I had been informed. :-) I swore off sex ever since, I guess. I replaced the sex urge by food. Is there a cute chef here? :-)

  25. SeanD says:

    I agree with some of the other posts that there should be something in between “special and beautiful” and “awful”… my first experience would fit in there somewhere.

    I’d also just like to add that I’m virtually speechless about your first “first” time and others who have had a similar experience… its stories like that that, as a guy, make me feel really mad and completely ashamed that there are “men” out there that don’t have the moral compass to know when to keep it in their pants. And I use “men” in the loosest sense of the word in this instance… can’t quite think of an appropriate enough term just now.

  26. SINgleGIRL says:

    -First, you’re all pretty awesome. Thank you so much for sharing your stories. The good ones and the bad one and all the ones in between. I apologize profusely for my sloppy poll design. It just didn’t occur to me that we needed a middle ground here. I guess that should be the larger lesson of the day. There’s always a need for a middle ground.

    I’m not going to weigh in on the “cut em off” topic. Obviously, I don’t think men should be taking advantage of drunk women. Beyond that, I’ll keep my mouth shut.

  27. recklessstudio says:

    I was young and I was also walked in on my first time. Don’t need to get into the details but it was still fun!

  28. Consent Cop says:

    OK, maybe not cut it off completely for the first offense … just an inch. You know how us guys are overly concerned about the # of inches we have (or don’t) and the loss of half an inch (that we already rounded up) or a whole inch could be devastating. Maybe we can find some less brutual way to shrink it. A drug they take after found guilty.

    Oh, and if she was under 18 and he was over 21, that’s going to be 3 inches you lose … if you had that much mister. ;-)

    Other more awful acts also could result in more inches gone.

    But, of course, forced sex isn’t really about sex. It’s about a fucked up mind in a man’s head and it fucks up the woman more mentally than physically usually.

    -Tom

    p.s.: Sorry to drag thing in the ditch with the punishment idea. I just get mad when I hear about how many guys have gotten away with taking advantage of drunk women, drugging them, or just outright attacking/forcing them.

    At least my first time (long awaited) was special and beautiful … and pretty darn good … took me a long time (and going through people who were not nearly as good) to find someone who could do that as well or better.

  29. 20forty says:

    I’m afraid I’m among those who had an awful first time. I was forced and it pretty much affected the rest of my life sexually. All in all,. I think it’s an ideal that’s pretty damn hard to live up to.

  30. One Time says:

    I don’t even remember my first time. How sad is that?

  31. thecookinghusband.com says:

    Ok I foud this site looking for blogs that help couples etc becaus I am doing a cooking blog for us men to help out in the kitchen and I must say what a very creative blog!

  32. SINgleGIRL says:

    AGAIN – THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR SHARING YOUR STORIES!!!
    (And a special thanks to 20forty for sharing her especially painful one).
    -thecookinghusband,
    Welcome and I’m glad you found me. I hope you’ll be back.

  33. Diggit says:

    My first was also the first time I realized was allergic to latex :( Not fun at all.

  34. michellebythec says:

    Wow…I feel really lucky after having read the comments- I wouldn’t say my first time was “coming of age romantic movie” special, but it was with someone I loved, and much later in life, almost married. I did have someone look into my eyes, tell me he loved me, and I knew it was true. It was awkward, and I did find out shortly thereafter that I too, am allergic to latex, lol…but certainly not a bad experience.

    I am truly sorry for those who had such painful experiences. :-(

  35. SINgleGIRL says:

    -Diggit
    Welcome to the blog.
    Latex allergy=:-(
    -michellebythec
    It’s nice to read that you had such a positive experience. It’s good to know that there are real, true, good first time stories. That the good first time isn’t a myth.

  36. dazediva says:

    It’s interesting to hear all the various experiences everyone has had. My ‘first’ time was actually my ‘second’ time LOL ‘cos I didn’t think anything happened the ‘first time!’ …. I was with my boyfriend of the time; and things got hot & heavy after a glorious bubble bath and we ended up making out right there on the bathroom floor … As with first-timers – since I didn’t feel any ‘pain’, or bleeding or anything like that – I didn’t really think ‘it’ had happened … a few days later he’d arranged a really romantic evening at a hotel where he’d had rose petals all over the room, a bottle of bubbly, great music – and WOW it was the best experience ever !!! Years later after we broke up we were talking and that’s when I realised that what I thought to be ‘my first’ time was really my ‘second time’ LOL

  37. SINgleGIRL says:

    -dazeddiva
    I’ve heard of a few stories like that, but without the rose petals and bubbly. Yours sounds a lot more romantic.

  38. kcs549 says:

    Well it kind of sucked really. Not what I’d call special. Way too young for it but felt I had to cos he wanted it. Wish I had waited for my current boyrfriend to come along, I’d rather think of him as my first time.
    So I’d say that it was a huge disaster but it wasn’t good and definitely wasn’t special and I really don’t see what made me do it!

  39. SINgleGIRL says:

    -kcs549
    First, welcome to the blog and thank you for sharing your story. I think there are a few million (a few hundred million) women with stories exactly like yours. I don’t think there’s such a think as a right age or a right time. I only wish that everyone got to wait for when they really wanted to do it.

  40. ZJapan says:

    My first time looking back was great. At the time I was nervous. She was a little bit older, loved sex and had a lot of experience. Too bad I fell hard for her and she just wanted the sex.

    I had two good friends in high school that waited until their wedding night for sex. Turned out that the sex was bad. They said something about being different sizes. The impression i got was that he was too big. From a practical stand point you really need to have sex with your partner to see how it is. Sex is not everything but it is too important to leave to chance. And if you have to wait then at least talk about it in detail! Imagine the girl or guy that has been dreaming about oral sex after seeing a hot movie. On the wedding night they ask for oral sex and their partner says, “I would never ever do that.” Oops you are already married.

    On a side note studies show that teenagers these days often don’t think oral sex counts as sex.

  41. Dont Be a Slut says:

    My first time was with a small-time drug dealer in the Father Panic projects in Bridgeport, CT.

    I was 19, and I think I just wanted to get it over with.

    It wasn’t traumatic, but it wasn’t tender, romantic or orgasmic, either.

    I’ve written the whole sordid tale out in my blog, Don’t Be a Slut. Click the link to read the post, “Don’t Lost Your Virginity on a Roach-Infested Sheet.”

  42. aGirlNamedMe says:

    I was way too young. He was a friend of my brother’s. Started out with a wink and a nudge. Ended with me vowing that I’d have sex one more time and if it was a similar experience, that would be the last time. (Good thing I’m willing to give everything another chance!)

    It was so … matter-of-fact.

  43. Anonymous says:

    my first time was pretty unusual and unconventional
    my fiance and i had been together for 2 yrs and were planning on waiting until marriage
    he was looking through my closet and found this little skirt from my private school days, and so i decided to dress as a school girl for him
    some making out and a total lack of inhibition, and i guess you could say the rest was history
    it was actually a pretty great night

  44. Asheline says:

    I think I had 2 first times…
    The 1st first time was with a random guy I met online, we decided to meet up, started cuddling/kissing, and things continued on to a kind of “does that count as sex?” thing. (past oral, not quite full on fuxing..? lol)
    The 2nd time was with my boyfriend I’m with now, who I am crazy about, and it was amazing.
    By amazing, I mean awkward, sweaty, funny, slow, and full of love :-)

  45. Jennifer-from-NY says:

    Mine was with my boyfriend at the time (not too long ago, I was 19 and I’m 20 now). I thought he was the one. He was the first person I fell in love with all that. It was a big decision for me and something I thought about for over a month. But I wanted to go all out emotionally and physically. Now he’s a great kisser (one of the few things I miss at this point) but he was also a virgin. So we had talked about it earlier in the week and went out to a fancy dinner and ended up doing it after in his dorm room. Not everything I’d hoped for originally in terms of the dorm room and it not being that good. But I was happy that I did it and that it was with him and it wasn’t *terrible*. I also wanted it to be with someone I loved.
    And two weeks later we broke up.
    And then I cried for a while. Like a few months. And part of that was wondering if I should have waited or examined our relationship more or blah blah blah.
    In the end I’m happy with it. Although I’ll be glad to have some good sex at some point too ;)

  46. antstar says:

    Well, to be honest, I don’t really think too much about my first time because thankfully (and I AM very grateful) there has been enough really great sex since then to make me realise that I was just too young. And lacked confidence.
    It was a pretty funny scenario when I think about it now – on a camping bed, in a tent, which my boyfriend at the time and I were sharing with his brother and his friend. So we waited until they were asleep (to this day I have no idea whether they were asleep or not but prefer to think they were). Talk about romantic… every girl’s dream really. It was so unmemorable I can’t even remember how long it lasted or how I felt. But I do remember feeling distinctly let down by the whole thing, like it was a complete disappointment. But I guess that’s just part of being 17.
    Has been interesting to read everyone else’s stories too.

  47. KatieKatie~~~~ says:

    I just found your blog and am reading some old posts. . .

    My first time was on my wedding night, at age 20. I loved it so much! I wanted to keep going over and over again. I didn’t learn how to orgasm for 3 more years. It was still awesome that first night :-D I am still married to my husband and haven’t ever been with anyone else. We have been married exactly 8.5 years.

    I am LDS (Mormon). My religion plays a huge role in why I chose to wait until marriage (although the statistics of sex before marriage in the LDS Church are pretty similar to the nationwide statistics).

  48. Lthemeow says:

    My first time was anal rape…..in my own bed…Pretty sure that says it all. XD. Oh….. and afterwords he asked if I was okay….after he was already inside and thrusting. I was so confused and shocked I couldn’t even answer anything but a half sound that he took to mean yes. I cried afterwards but then stayed with him for a few weeks because I told myself it was my fault and I must have actuall wanted it since I didnt try hard enough to stop him. I still dont’ know if I blame myself more for the fact I didn’t say anything, or if I blame him more being I told him I wasn’t ready for any type of sex then he did that. xD.

  49. E. says:

    Yes I know 2 couples (1 who waited till marriage & the other that were just each others 1st and got married) who were firsts and neither seem to have that great of sex life so maybe thats saying something. My first was not great. I wouldn’t change the guy, but really is anyone’s first time great?? I doubt it. Also I think you need to test drive a car before you buy it. Maybe that’s just me though :)

  50. Darling Tootzies says:

    My mind is dazzled what can sex do to you when you have already experienced it. If you ask me, I’m really an apprentice I want to offer myself to my future husband because by these i have the assurance that he will be mine forever.