Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Wanted

So, so far, no one has taken me up on th SINgleGIRL challenge.  I’m not surprised.  I mean, even if you’ve been reading me for a while, it’d be hard for you to know who I might like and what I’m looking for.  I’ve written about dealbreakers and my needs and wants from relationships (I’m not going to do links, here – if you’re curious you can use my search feature).  But I’ve never really given you a nitty gritty shopping list, now have I?

So here it is:

First of all, I am seeking someone who is interested in a .  I realize that might seem like a controversial thing to say to some people.  In fact, I’ve gotten plenty of comments and messages telling me that my “problem” is that I’m looking for a and that a person can’t or shouldn’t decide, in advance, what kind of relationship they’re looking for. That I should be “open” to whatever comes along.  I’m not.  Open, that is.

I’m not interested in casually dating anymore.  If I met some great guy who I enjoyed spending time with but he knew up front that he wasn’t interested in a LTR anytime in the near future (and many people aren’t for a lot of different reasons, I’m not judging) then he wouldn’t be the guy for me.  I wouldn’t be interested in spending time with him on a casual, hanging out and seeing where things go, basis.  Because I’d know that that’s not what I wanted and that I’d be hoping all the time that he’d change his mind.  And that’s not cool.  I want to meet someone who wants what I want.  I believe that one of the most powerful forces in our lives is and this is especially so when it comes to relationships.  I’ve written about this before, btw. If you take two people who both want the same thing at the same time then they have a heck of a lot greater chance of having a successful relationship then if they don’t (want the same thing at the same time).

Add to this information that I don’t necessarily want to get married.  I wouldn’t mind it, but I don’t need it.  I’m OK however that works out.  And the kid thing – well, I’m 38 and I’ve pretty much made my peace with the fact that that probably won’t happen for me.  I love kids and if it happened that I had one (or more) that’d be cool. But I don’t want to rush into a relationship and then into having kids.  I don’t have baby fever.  I tend to stay away from guys who are in a rush to have a family.  They stress me out.  Oh, but guys with kids are cool.

In terms of physical stuff, I’m not into overly tall or overly short guys.  Anyone in the 5’4″-6’1″ range is good.  As I’m interested in men between the ages of 40-50, I kind of expect them to have a few extra lbs around the mid-section.  It’s great when they’re in shape, but no gym-rats  And no metrosexuals(I cannot stand men who take longer to get ready in the morning than I do).  Really, I’m comfortable with a whole range of body types, but anything more than “a few extra pounds” and it usually doesn’t work for me.

I’ve mentioned recently, in the comments, that I tend to go for science guys.  I dig guys with analytical brains.  Not exclusively (I also have a good track record with entrepreneurs and guys in the arts and entertainment – not the flaky ones).  But guys in science and technology fields are frequently good matches for me.  They go at things with their minds, first, rather than getting all worked up emotionally.  And I find that comforting, quite frankly.  Conversely, I’m not interested in meeting academics (unless they’re from one of the aforementioned departments), writers, teachers, social workers or shrinks.   I guess I just like to be with a man whose brain works very differently than mine.  That way we complement rather than compete with one another.

I really don’t care much about a guy’s taste in music or art or any of that other stuff that takes up so much space in so many personal ads.  My tastes are all over the place. The caveat on that would be the food thing.  No picky eaters and no health nuts.  Vegetarians are cool as long as he’s a vegetarian who can get excited about some deep fried veggies every once in a while.  Oh, and as long as he’s cool with the fact that I’m not willing to forego the occasional eggs benedict.

Add in attractive, smart and a good sense of humor (everyone wants those things – they’re kind of a given) and there you have it.  I’m really not asking for much.  Am I?  Really I’m not.  I’m not looking for an Adonis with a 6 figure income.  Or a man who knows the lyrics to my favorite song or who’s a gourmet cook and a great dancer and a world traveller (not that any of those things wouldn’t be nice).  Just a decent, kinda normal guy.  So, can you help me out?

OK, now seriously - as I’ve reported, I registered with  on Friday and it’s been an interesting experience thusfar.  Most of the messages I get are just pathetic.  However, I have a date, a real live date with a POF guy this coming Saturday.  He moved pretty fast, but I couldn’t resist the invitation.  More details as they come…


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20 to “Wanted”


  1. Alex Shalman says:

    I like what you’re doing with the whole defining what you want. That’s an awesome step to take. If I may make a suggestion… expand on your list. It doesn’t have to be public, but get a list of 100 other qualities, characteristics, virtues, preferences, lifestyle expectations, etc.

    You seem like you’ve dated long enough to know what you like, and don’t like, and you’re not settling. Now take it to the next level. What do you think?

  2. FitDarcie says:

    So you’re asking complete strangers to set you up with a complete stranger? I thought you were joking.

  3. PiscesInPurple says:

    None of the guys I know in NYC meet your age requirements…

  4. SINgleGIRL says:

    -Alex Shalman
    Oh, I have a much longer list. But, as you suggested, that one’s private. And occasionally NSFW
    -FitDarcie
    I’m serious in that if someone really thought they knew someone I’d be open to it. How would that be worse/stranger than online dating.
    -PiscesinPurple :-)

  5. Subrayoga says:

    Dear Singlegirl,

    Of all the guys you have been with, isn’t there anyone who fits yours requirement? If you say that you have evaluated them through experience and rejected them, then I think it would be difficult to find one for LTR. In my own opinion, LTR must have a “magic firework” ignited at somewhere in the beginning of a relationshsip or early stage of the relationship. Very rarely people establish LTR after being together for long time. I don’t know how to define “magic fireworks” but it exist.

  6. bobbyjensen says:

    “I’ve gotten plenty of comments and messages telling me that my “problem” is that I’m looking for a LTR and that a person can’t or shouldn’t decide, in advance, what kind of relationship they’re looking for.”
    -I’m not one to bash, but I find this statement a little ridicules. Knowing what one wants isn’t the problem, but more the solution. Yes, an open mind is a good thing, but we can have one while knowing what we want as well.
    -I think you were very clear about what your expectations are so everyone here will have a very good starting point (if they know someone that fits) that is.

  7. Anonymous says:

    Not to be too straightforward, but why should WE set up someone we know (and presumably care about) with YOU? I’ve been reading your blog for a while now, but I can’t seem to get a good sense of who YOU are. I understand that you do a lot of online dating, and you know what you want. But I don’t know anything about who you are, really. So how would I know if you met my friend’s requirements? It’s not all about him meeting your standards – men have standards, too. You know what I’m saying? Maybe a post on that would be prudent.

  8. PiscesInPurple says:

    Anonymous, don’t be such a hater. It’s unflattering.

  9. derek7272 says:

    I have to agree … no offense, but this post is very long on what you are looking for, incredibly short on what you have to offer. There’s no way I would set up a guy with you based on this post, frankly, unless I thought he was incredibly desperate. And all these “requirements” are just ridiculous and frankly a little embarrassing to read.
    Let me get this straight: no one too tall or too short; no gym-rats; no metrosexuals or folks who take too long to get ready; no one too fat; no academics, writers, teachers, social workers or shrinks; no picky eaters and no health nuts. Um. Blank stare.

  10. FitDarcie says:

    I agree with derek and anonymous. I love you Singlegirl, but a list that long of must haves and can’t stands makes it seem like your standards are WAY too high/narrow.

  11. SINgleGIRL says:

    -Subrayoga
    Right now there is no one in my life – NO ONE. In the past there have been good candidates but things didn’t work out – usually BAD timing for one or both of us. And yes, those fireworks do matter.
    -bobbyjensen
    You and I are on the same page here. I think knowing what I want is good and a step in the right direction. Some others disagree. Oh well.
    -Anonymous,
    I’ll ignore the kind of snarky/obnoxious tone of your comment for a moment because maybe you didn’t mean to sound that way. Sometimes I forget that not everyone who reads this blog has read every post. Over the course of the last 6 months or so I’ve written about my tastes in music (I had a song of the day), my sexual history, my relationship history, my hobbies, my tastes in men, my politics, my career change, my family and so many other things that I am pretty much sick of myself. I can’t help but feel as though no one could possibly want to read any more details about my life. But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe there are readers who do want to read more about me (I’m really pretty dull). I will put together a brief “getting to know me” post sometime this week, for the uninformed.
    -PiscesinPurple,
    Yeah, that was my thought too. I actually checked the ISP location ’cause I suspected it was an ex. LOL.

  12. Anonymous says:

    A) I wasn’t trying to be snarky at all, I was merely trying to emphasize the fact that we readers know so much about what you want and so little about how you might describe yourself to a potential date. B) I am a new reader, and I’m sorry, but I just don’t think everyone will feel like browsing through the last hundred pages of blog posts trying to figure out what you’re like. It was simply a suggestion – give your readers some criteria on which to match men to you. Don’t really understand why that makes me a “hater.”

  13. SINgleGIRL says:

    -Anonymous,
    One of the many (MANY) problems with communication in this medium is that tone is so hard to assess. PiscesinPurple and both misread your intent. My apology for taking offense when none was meant. As I said in my prior reply, I forget that my readers haven’t read everything I’ve written. I certainly don’t expect every new reader to go reading everything in the archives. It is something that I forget, though. This is a very new thing for me, this blog. As far as I’m concerned it’s all kind of chapters in one long story and I fear rewriting the same things over and over because I don’t want to bore folks. But as I said, I will write something appropriate on that theme.
    -derek7272
    My “requirements” are “ridiculous and embarrassing”. Well, maybe. I think just about everything I write here is ridiculous and embarrassing. However, I don’t see these as requirements. Just my honest preferences and feedback on what I know to work with and for me.
    -FitDarcie
    I appreciate the love. But really? I doubt most people’s preferences would be as open, quite frankly. I am VERY petite and feel uncomfortable with very tall men. Been there, done that and it was a disaster. But my not too tall and not too short eliminates – what- 30% of the guys out there. I have no financial or educational requirements, I don’t care whether or not he’s ever been married before or how many times (a big issue for many women) or if he has kids or if he wants to get married ever. I don’t care if he’s overweight, just not so much that’s going to crush me (again – I’m tiny). The metrosexuals/gym rats and picky eaters all fall into the same category of high maintenance and I don’t have the energy and patience for that. I just don’t. I think what’s freaky about my list is that I dared to put it out there. Lot’s of people think this stuff, they just keep it to themselves.

  14. derek7272 says:

    Maybe that was a harsh comment, but I just think think you need to sell yourself a little better, y’know? Talking about your “tastes in music, sexual history, relationship history, hobbies, tastes in men, politics, career change, family” … none of that is really that relevant. Very few guys make decisions about who they are going to date based on that stuff. Not unless you both share some incredibly obscure hobby or both like some band no one else has ever heard of … but if your tastes are mainstream, how does that distinguish yourself from all the other single girls out there?

    It’s a bit like talking about your shoe size. Zzzz. BOR-ING.

    (And remember, if anyone does know this white knight in shining armor who meets your long list of criteria and was inclined to set you up — the first thing he or she’d probably do is email them a link to this post. So you need to be selling yourself to someone who isn’t familiar with the past six months of your blog…)

    What guys are looking for is that you are funny, witty and a pleasure to be with, y’know? That you can exchange flirty remarks over a bottle of wine. The career stuff, your tastes in music, political views etc. — not so much something most guys will care about at all. And the best way to show that you’re witty and pleasant and flirty is to write something witty and funny and flirty.

  15. derek7272 says:

    “Hi, I’m singlegirl … and I make a mean quiche and give better … well, I don’t want to get TOO raunchy here, lads. But they call me SINgleGIRL for a reason. ;) Yes, I written a lot about sex here. And the truth is, I think about it a lot, too. There’s nothing I like more than xxxxxxx.

    Sometimes I’ve even thought about an open relationship, where we’d both be free to fuck other people.

    But hold off on those penis-pics, lads. There’s actually more to SINglegirl than that. I’m actually looking for a man I can take home to mom and pops! Yes, I would like a guy I can share marathon sex sessions at least three times a week AND curl up with after a movies and a few glasses of red wine. Red, not white, please.

    And don’t worry about the whole “desperate housewives” thing though — I don’t necessarily feel I need to get married, and I’m fine with not having kids. Bring your own, if you want! I’m cool with dating dads. Well, as long as you’ve gotten that divorce…

    More about me: I have the tightest petite little body you can possibly imagine. See that girl in the header. Yeah, that’s me. I’ve worked hard over the years to stay in shape, though I know I need to be thankful for my good metabolism. You will like, I promise.

    Don’t get me wrong, though: I love food. Love it, love it, love it. Believe me when I say my previous boyfriends eat like kings. I pride myself particularly on my meatloaf lasagna and pumpkin-pie brownies.

    Enough about me: what about you? I’m seeking someone who is interested in a long-term relationship, not just casual dating. I like older men — preferably between the ages of 40 to 50. I dig guys with analytical brains and tend to go for science guys. Someone who lives in New York City — sorry, I just can’t do suburbs. And, of course, attractive, smart and a good sense of humor. A girl can dream, can’t she??”


    okay, maybe this isn’t “you,” maybe it’s not witty enough and maybe it is too sex-focused. but i didn’t want to criticize without really trying to show how i’d do it differently. Less about what you are looking for and what you don’t want, a lot more about what you have to offer. And hopefully in a witty/funny way.

    And yes, as you told Darcie, “Lot’s of people think this stuff, they just keep it to themselves.” But talking about what you *like* comes across as much less obnoxious than talking about what you don’t like…

  16. cjw666 says:

    I’m afraid I agree with you, SINgleGIRL. You want what YOU want and it IS your blog and your right to choose.

    In my opinion, I do sometimes feel that you can be a bit “picky” at times, but in the end, you want someone who is currently at least interested in exploring the same sort of relationship you are hoping for and you don’t want any nuts who are so into some subject that they aren’t going to have time or interest left for you OR a genuine relationship! What’s wrong with that? As to the physical thing, it seems to me you just want “normal” – i.e. about 60%-70% of guys in your age bracket probably fall into that category.

    Just one small query, though: could you stretch the age range – a LOT? Just asking because it’d take a lot for me to emigrate from the other side of the world to the US and then to NYC and it might not work out. :)

  17. SINgleGIRL says:

    -derek7272
    LOL. This is my blog – not my personals ad. I assure you, although it should seem obvious due to the amount of online dating I do, that I do a damn good job of selling myself on my onlne personals ad. What I CHOSE to write yesterday was basically in reply in to several messages I’d received from readers asking me what I was seeking in a relationship and in a man. I will not put a copy of my online profile here as it has LOTS of details about me and I’m, um, anonymous. Or trying to be. However, as I said, I will write a “details about me” type of post sometime soon.
    -cjw666
    Yes, well.. I may very well be picky. Then again, I might just chuck all my preconceived preferences when I meet the “right” person.

  18. Shannia says:

    To me, all those details about a man not being too tall or too short where all details. Because, the I personnaly find that the more I read your blog (and I haven’t read it all) the more I see what kind of person you are.
    I believe that you should know what you want, and if people see it as picky, then so be it. I think it’s good when a woman know’s her worth and won’t settle.
    If I knew an awesone man in NYC I would definately set you up, But since I only go there a few times a year I only have party friends in their late 20ies there…lol But if ever your revise your distance criteria… lots of fantastic single 40something men here in Montreal (hey it’s only a 7 hour drive..lol).

  19. cjw666 says:

    @SINgleGIRL: I think it’s worth pointing out that I said SOMETIMES a BIT picky (i.e. not very and not very often), but the bulk of what I said was that I agree with you 100% and yes, I’m sure you probably would chuck most of your preconceived ideas in the bin if the right guy came along. But you can’t just go out with everyone in case they might possibly turn out not to be the jerk they seem to be online, so you have to start somewhere, don’t you?

    However, since you MIGHT drop some of your requirements, I’ll start making enquiries about emigrating to America. First, though, I’ll have to ask my wife if she’ll mind – it’s only fair, don’t you think?

  20. SINgleGIRL says:

    -Shannia
    Thank you so much darling. And you know, if you happened to have any of those 40something male friends up in Montreal who you think’d be a good fit – send them to the blog. Who knows, I;m not looking to relocate but Montreal is a nice city (I’m only half kidding).
    -cjw666
    I stand corrected and of course you are right. I have done the ‘chuck my preferences’ thing and it was a very unhappy ending.