Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Location, Location, Location

So there was this one guy who I actually found more than just a little bit interesting/attractive on Chemistry.com.  He definitely stood out from the rest of the crowd.  But of course there was one thing tragically wrong with him.  He lives in the , about an hour away from the city by train.

Still, I was intrigued enough to go all the way through to the last stage of communication with him.  I guess I wanted to find something wrong with him other than where he lived.  Kind of like when I try something on in a store, hoping it won’t fit because I can’t afford it anyway.  If it doesn’t fit then it doesn’t matter that I can’t afford it.

Of course, he fit.  Like a glove.

But I don’t do suburbs.  Nope.  That’s one of those non-negotiables like good sex.

So I did the only sensible thing I could think of doing.  As soon as we got to the email stage of the game I sent him an email explaining that I was not, ever, interested in moving to the suburbs. Ever (I was amusing about it). I pointed out that perhaps it would be a waste of time for us to move forward.

His reply made me laugh out loud.  Really.  It was the best email I have ever received from anyone in the context of .  In it he admitted that he’d never want to move to the city, but then suggested we go out anyway.  I replied that while he seemed charming it also seemed like us going out could never have a happy ending.  He agreed and we exchanged pleasantries.

I thought about it for a while afterwards.  What am I, nuts?  Here was a potentially great guy who wanted to go out with me and he lived just a short train ride away and I said no.  I think there are probably dozens of women who will read this and think I’m nuts.

The way I see it, though, he’s a dead end.  I already know I hate living in the suburbs.  Hate it.  I love living in the city.  His feelings are the complete opposite.  Neither of us are going to change are minds on this.  So why bother.

Nope.  I’m not nuts.


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12 to “Location, Location, Location”


  1. recklessstudio says:

    For the purpose of friendship, you guys may have some things in common. For the purpose of dating, it’s a total deal-breaker.

    If you settle for lower than what you want, you will lose. Period. You’re not nuts and neither is he for wanting to date you. Good thing you were firm about your beliefs.

  2. lorilori17 says:

    You’re not nuts. Everybody’s dealbreakers are different, and you have to stand up for the ones that matter to you. Women and men who don’t are selling themselves short.

  3. SINgleGIRL says:

    -recklessstudio & lorilori17,
    Wow. Thank you. You’re not going to believe this but it’s such a relief to me to hear you guys say this. I’m not nuts. Cool.

  4. PiscesInPurple says:

    Hm. I would be unable to resist. Unless by suburbs you mean Long Island, in which case, I would run like hell.

  5. Anonymous says:

    I think for the benefit of anyone who has never given internet dating a go, after a little while you just know what you don’t want. How I.D. differs from “just meeting someone” [sic], is the diligence* required to identify the slightly different warning signals. Inherent expectations, like for example where you would choose not to live (…ever) is massive.

    So, because of the whole process, if there is even a hint at what you don’t want, don’t do it. QED.

    Definitely the right decision but I think you know that.


    (*skills perhaps?)

  6. SINgleGIRL says:

    -PiscesinPurple,
    I think that’s where I was almost torn. Not Long Island. Actually a very nice suburb (as far as they go). A guy I dated about 7 years ago lived there. And I remember what a pain in the ass it was having to date around the train schedule. And I know that while it’s a pleasant enough place to visit I’d never want to live there.
    -Anonymous,
    Yes, we all learn what to look for and what we don’t want. But I tend to second guess myself. A lot. Maybe you don’t do that. Maybe no one else does. But I do. I start to ask myself, “well, maybe it’s not such a big deal if….” because I want to like someone, to find someone”. It’s not good, but it’s real.

  7. cjw666 says:

    You’re probably right but not (I think) because of the journey thing (it’s not huge). I think there’s probably more difference between you than it first seemed there was, since you obviously enjoy entirely different lifestyles.

    However, three questions strike me:-

    1) What’s wrong with starting with a weekend relationship (once you know each other well enough for him or you to stay over) if you find real pleasure together? Trust me, it can be exciting.

    2) Even though you’ve actually TRIED living in the suburbs, has HE ever actually tried living in the city?

    3) Perhaps all the “nice as well as interesting” guys live in the suburbs and that’s been the problem :)

  8. Tokyo Cowgirl says:

    Of course you’re not nuts- if anyone tells you that you are then you should disregard everything they have ever told you because guess what, they are nuts.

    I’m the same way- I’m miserable if I’m not living in a huge city. I want there to be people on top of people on top of people, anything short of that and I feel like I’m suffocating.

    Anyway, knowing this about ourselves, why should we willingly put ourselves in a situation that will undoubtedly end in grief? We might be mildly masochistic but we’re not stupid!

  9. derek7272 says:

    I feel like to some extent people can sabatage themselves by having like a “checklist” of things they want. (I read a good book that talked about this — :Unhooked Generation: The Truth About Why We’re Still Single” by Jillian Straus). Like the two girls I have really fallen hardest for — they were not the women I would have expected if I was putting together a list. I feel like if two people want to make something work, they can … it’s not like there aren’t suburb-like sections of Brooklyn, or — what’s that French word? Pierre-de-te? Second homes in the city?

    But anyway it’s wasn’t like this was a guy you had actually met and felt like some chemistry with … just someone who wrote some witty stuff on the Internet. A lot of people can do that, and it really doesn’t mean much in the greater scheme of things. So, I woulda done the same thing…

  10. PiscesInPurple says:

    Derek, you just made my day. It’s “pied-a-terre”. What you said loosely translates as stone of tea. :)

  11. SINgleGIRL says:

    -cjw66
    I hear you. But in answer to your question, “what’s wrong with starting a weekend relationship…”, I have promised myself to be more alert to warning signs and the like. If I were to be completely honest with myself, at least 90% of all of my relationships with men have been doomed from day one. I had the info I needed to see they couldn’t work. I ignored it. I’m not ignoring this stuff any more. I’ve had enough unnecessary heartache.
    -Tokyo Cowgirl,
    “We might be mildly masochistic but we’re not stupid!” That pretty much says it ALL!!!
    -derek7272,
    I try really hard not to have a checklist of things I’m looking for. Instead, I’m just trying to be mindful of things that will be sure to make me unhappy. And LOL – I love your French.
    -PiscesinPurple,
    Hahaha- thx darling for the translation services.


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