Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Last Single Girl Standing

So, the other day I got a lovely message from a reader.  In the message he said that he found it odd that I never mentioned any female friends in my posts.  It wasn’t a criticism.  He was just remarking on it.

Well, it got me to thinking.  I know I mention friends sometimes, and I guess when I do I tend to mention male friends almost exclusively.  There’s a reason for this, and it’s not because I’m one of those who doesn’t have any friends.

I do have women friends.  My friends probably break down equally, with as many of them being women as men.  It’s just that I don’t see much of the women anymore.  I am, quite frankly, the last girl standing.  Everyone else is married (or engaged – one of them is “just” engaged, which is essentially the same thing as married but add in completely overwhelmed with planning a wedding).

And a strange thing happens when all of your friends get married and start having kids.  You stop seeing them as much, if ever.  And when you do see them you end up talking a lot about the kids and their houses and husbands. The worlds of married people.  It’s not that they’re not interested in my life, they are.  I’m just saying that a giant gulf opens up between friends when one of them stays single.  And it makes it hard to stay close.

I do have single guy friends.  And so I’m more likely to hang out with them.  Or even just call them to chat about my day/week/world.  Because those gulfs don’t exist.

That was one of the things that rang the most false to me about Sex and the City.  I had a really hard time buying those 4 women all being friends and as close as they were for as long as they were, even after people started getting married and having kids.  I know it was just a show and compressed time and they frequently threw in a line about how they hadn’t seen each other in over a week.  But in my experience, married women hang out with married women and moms with moms.

I’ve seen my women friends peeled off one by one over the years as they’ve joined their new social groups.  I’m not mad about this. I understand that it’s just one of the strange ways that our world works.  Maybe it’s a New York thing and things are different in other places?  I don’t know.  But like I said, I’m not mad about it.  I do miss the women in my life sometimes, though.  Having them around more often would probably be good for me.

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9 to “Last Single Girl Standing”

  1. bobbyjensen says:

    I agree and you make sense. Although I know some married woman that do have a “get together” on a fairly regular basis. I think when certain things change in our lives (Marriage, kids etc), we tend to stay with that type lifestyle.

  2. starangel82 says:

    I agree with those statements. And it’s not a NY thing. My best friend moved off and got married a few years ago. We talk and email several times a week, but we see each other once or twice a year if that. I miss her like crazy, but she’s happy in her life and that is what matters most. Most of my female friends are married or engaged and it changes the ball game. They are talking about husbands, wedding dresses, and new homes and I’m wondering if I should order another drink. My single guy friends are who I hang out with most now. They are my ‘dates’ and we have a blast.

    It’s just the way it works. You have friends in high school. You drift. You have friends in college. You drift. You have your work buddies, your go out buddies, your dinner and a movie buddies, your call and rant to buddies. The older we get, the more compartmentalized we get with our friends.

  3. darkheath says:

    “Maybe it’s a New York thing and things are different in other places?”

    No… that is certainly not a NYC phenomenon nor is it exclusive to women. I’ve seen the exact same thing happen and I am the last guy standing. Even in my family. As a matter of fact, my whole family (mom/dad/2 brothers & wives/sis & husband) are planning to rent a big beach house on the Outer Banks of North Carolina in July and I don’t feel comfortable going being the “fifth wheel” as it were. I mean really… that’s 8 couples.. and me. Awwk-ward. It’s my own immediate family. How sad is that?

    Heh.. maybe if you’re still unattached in July I’ll send you a plane ticket. *wink*

  4. darkheath says:

    Excuse me, that should say 8 people… 4 couples… and me. Oops.

  5. SINgleGIRL says:

    -bobbyjensen, starangel82, darkheath,
    Thank you all. I don’t know if I’m glad or sad to hear that this isn’t just a NYC thing. The world is such an isolating place, already. We all need all the friends we can get.

  6. Cult Diva says:

    Wow is this true! But seriously wait a few more years. I’m mid-40’s so now I have added a widow, and two divorcees to my friend list. As my spouse works overseas, I’ve found my “married” friends dropped me since I’m not a matched set anymore. I get invites to lunch or weekday golf foursomes, but nothing after 4:30 or on weekends. The good of this is that I have way more fun with my “single” friends and live vicariously through their dating adventures!

  7. SINgleGIRL says:

    -Cult Diva
    First, Welcome! I guess I have something to look forward to, then? Hmmmm.

  8. DC Diva says:

    No, it’s soooo not a New York thing…the funny thing is, I was the one to put some distance between myself & my married friends. I have a thing about being around married couples on some level…I’m not jealous, nor do I envy them, but a friend once told me she had a dream that her husband left her for me….after that I was extremely uncompfortable around them….now they ask why I don’t come around….it’s weird I know. But I just feel better around other single people

  9. SINgleGIRL says:

    -DC Diva
    Hmmm. I can’t imagine what I’d do if one of my friends said that to me. I definitely know that there are cases where I’ve pulled back from married friends because I just didn’t want to listen to constant stories about the kids or the inlaws and/or I felt like I was being asked to do all of the compromising (it was assumed that I should be the flexible one as I didn’t have as many “obligations”).