Last night’s date with The GrownUP was fun. He and I get along really well. Nonstop smiling and laughing. We’re like old friends.
And yet there doesn’t seem to be any romantic/sexual chemistry between us. No spark.
Maybe I’m wrong, but I don’t think so. I’ve been down this road before. Too many times. FUCK!!! I’ve been down just about every road too many times.
We shared a completely chaste goodnight kiss, the obligatory kind. It depressed the hell out of me. In fact, I’ve been depressed ever since. I keep thinking of a conversation I had with a good friend of mine, years ago. It went something like this.
Me, “Why can’t I ever have decent relationships?”
Friend, “Because you only date assholes.”
It was true, then. I had a habit of dating the same asshole-type guy over and over. I’ve done a lot of work on myself since then, and I really thought I was over that. Really thought I was capable of finding decent men attractive. I mean, the thing I found SO attractive about Mr. Potential was that he seemed so decent (at first, and then I fixated on it…). But what if I’m wrong. What if I’m still only capable of falling for self-involved, arrogant, immature jerks who will hurt me and not even care about the damage that they do to my life. What if that’s my destiny? What if that’s why there’s no spark with The GrownUp – because he’s too good for me?
So, suffice it to say I didn’t sleep last night. I was actually crying as I walked to work this morning, behind my dark sunglasses. Maybe I’m just tired and need a little break from dating (like a week or two?). Ugh.
I just hate this feeling.
Tags: asshole, chemistry, Dating update, kiss, Relationships